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I saw a quote today that said,
“One day you lose something, and you'll say:
‘Oh my God. I was happy.
And I didn’t even know it.’”

But then came the voice inside my head,
"That day you lost someone, and you thought:
'Oh my God. I was unhappy.
And I didn't even know it."
 Nov 2016 Just Rachel
Dakota
The words have been said,
Oh they have been said.
But theres so many questions still in my head.

I wonder, I wonder.
My mind trailing in circles like birds in the sky.
What if? What if? How can I trust?
And why?

Why, why why must I think so much?
For too much thinking makes me so out of touch.
Out of tune, like an old claironet, blaring and sounding in the off pitch sound of it.

So for now I'll write and compose.
Compose myself for who would ever know,
of the symphony of thoughts mixed up in my mind,
Waiting for that harmonized day where there'll be clarity I'll find.
What is right?
What is wrong?
I wonder why
I have this song
In my mind
And in my heart
Am I a poet
Or am I a bard
I sing along
As I write
But my voice
Has no light
Since 4:30 in the morning
I've been looking at the sky
The way the dim rise of the sun
Glitters on the tide

My head is aching
From my busy mind
All the thoughts
I thought I'd left behind
 Nov 2016 Just Rachel
Josh
Are you happy?
Your second-hand smile wears thin like old jeans,
and once-glinting eyes drop to the floor to stare dully at my cigarette ****.
My trainers are filthy and yours are clean, protecting soft feet from the cold that we both feel inside us.
It's the start of November but it's been winter for a while.

How long have you been silent? How long will you be silent?

How do you buy new jeans when all your currency has been spent?

Maybe I could be your personal shopper... I'm really not qualified; I was fired from my last position but I think I'd enjoy working here!

I'm sorry this doesn't make sense.
Some of it is missing and some of it almost definitely isn't me.
That's the trouble with painting your face. You do it every day and you forget how you used to look under all those layers, each mask set upon the last.
But I suppose the Mona Lisa took a few attempts, and so can we.

So alone in a room, with my back against a mirror, I put pencil to paper and start to scratch my itch.
Ramblings
Take a deep breath
In and out
Don’t let them see the real me
In and out
Don’t show your smile
In and out
My chest is rising
In and out
Until I reach the point when I say
In and out
Stop acting like everything is okay!
Put on your sunglasses and hide your ugly little eyes
Kind of like the way everyone tries to hide their lies.

How long will it take,
Before you realize this life isn’t fake.
I wished everything away too soon.
When I was young
I wanted the perfect family,
And a brave courageous father
But we can’t always get what we want, can we?
See I feel like my life is on a script,
Everyone knows me better than myself
And why?
Because I have closed myself off from the world.
Trapped myself in a box and I want out
But I cant!
you see
Its not up to me,
This life, this world,
Its scaring me.
I wanted it to be that when I fall
Angels catch me before I hit the ground,
But instead I am greeted by an alarming thud.
How many people have to die before you realize
That I will not compromise with who I am.
See people with depression are too busy trying to learn ourselves
And everyone else expects us to learn our content
Like a good little boy.
Don’t you see,
This life means everything to me,
You cannot prescribe me pills and medication
To change who the hell I am.
I am proud of me,
So what I get a little sad sometimes,
So what I wonder why I am here.
And all yo
u want me to do is hush
And breathe in and out.
No need for me to shout.
I am nothing
Sike!
I am everything!
depression does not control me
Depression is my cocoon
And I have emerged,
I am ready
To accept who I am,
Do not try to change me,
If you think you can love me than go ahead and try,
But please don’t make me cry,
Depression has a strong grip,
It doesn’t allow me to live,
And makes me feel like I want to die,
This is real.
The more I hide behind a smile
The more I realize that I am not okay.
And yes this poem is strange,
Call me a ******.
But don’t treat me like a mistake, like a typo.
Don’t turn your head when I say I need someone.
I hold out my hand,
But nothing happens.
I bleed out my heart,
Nothing happens.
And all you want me to do is disappear,
There is no one standing in front of the mirror.
So let me write a letter have it start like this,
Depression,
You will not win.
You will not remind me of my past sins.
Depression,
I am greater than you
Depression
You are under my feet
I am in control of my life,
I am helping others no matter the cost,
And how you ask?
What if I told you this poem is for you?
All of you.
Everyone with depression
And even those who don’t have it.
Depression will not win,
It is an outsider and not welcome in my life.
I forbid depression,
I kick it out.
Do not challenge me,
I am the challenger.
When you face me,
You better do it with a smile
This,
Is my time.
I will live my life,
And depression,
You will end.
How you ask?
I will breathe in
And out.
a man who writes,
is a man who truly bleeds
i think its ******* that men are too scared to write because of their ego.
You told me this life wouldn’t pay off
You told me I would fail.
Hoping I should say.
You wanted me to become frail.
You used to tease me for being a *****
But that’s the way you made me.
This allowed you to analyze me
Poke around at me like I was a ******* lab rat.
But now that I am older
I realize that.
You were hoping that I would lay down and let you off easy,
You were hoping that I would laugh at your jokes which were so cheesy.
But I am standing.
I cant let myself die now.
You tried everything
You tried taking away my play when I was young,
Then my laughter by shunning me to my room,
Then my music and my friends
And now you try to take my dignity,
Man you have got to be ******* me.
Is it wrong to want a little respect?
After all,
I bleed the same color blood as you do.
Though I am a step son,
I try to step it up to become up to your standard.
But I am only met by pure slander.
I cant believe I am haunted by the smell of cigarettes
The bitter smell of it that lingers in your nostrils for days.
I knew that when I smelt your smoke,
You can guess who was coming.
I will never forget these scars that you elegantly stabbed into me.
I will never lose my gratitude for the bruises you have so lovingly begotten unto me.
You thought you could overtake my emotions
Treat the word abuse as easy as the word I love you
Made me constantly feel like what the **** do I do?
You
Are an evil man
You wonder why god doesn’t help you,
It is because god never meant to make a mistake like you.
And you know its true.
Dad, there have been many days I thought of you as a hero,
But then you chose to make me feel like I was on ground zero.
Im sorry I am not your real child,
But you don’t have to make fun of my family name,
Treat me so lame
Im done with you.
All these apologies are met with your broke *** analogies
And you leave me to say
Hey,
Please let me forget your actions today.
I know the thought of my success scares you,
Makes you feel suicidal,
Well how’s that for payback for making me feel homicidal?
For years I wanted run
And die
But I wasn’t brave enough, so I chose to cry.
I will never forget those memories because somehow they made me who I am today.
I am able to say that I survived, and still surviving.
Because no matter how many phone calls are made to the abuse hotline,
I still have to serve my time
In your house.
With your anger.
Whats with the term step anyways?
Like is it that I am a step down from your family?
Is it the one last step you couldn’t take so you could call mom a **** because she had a kid before you?
Because to be honest you didn’t just take my happiness, you stole hers too.
She is afraid of you, and that’s not called love.
That’s called oppression,
And you are the dictator at the pulpit.
More and more I find these writings are for you
And the question is if you really deserve my time.
So with that said,
*******
And goodbye.
for my father.
Afraid  of  this  miserable  world
I  found  peace  in  my  loneliness
Discouraged by the society
And being an insecure mess
To  be  lonely  I  guess,
is  simply  the  best.
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