I’ve never truly been diagnosed
But I have some troubles
Some ability to scare the living **** out of myself with my mind every single night
Can never fully sleep without something happening
Shall it be scratching, moaning, pounding on the walls
Shadows, demons, or just my own self getting me
Maybe voices or images, the thought of disasters
A nightmare, body pains, or just my own mind not wanting me to sleep
Pains in my chest that hurt worse with every beat
Or maybe the sense of a presence looking over me
I haven’t got a clue for the cause of these nighttime fiascos
but it’s something every night
The only source of release is when I turn on my phone to see a text from the person I love
And even so, though it feels like a boundaries around me, I know something is out there waiting for me to turn off the lit screen and be face to face with the terrors that keep me awake at night
Oh how I wonder,
how can we bleed without blood?
how can we hear
while covering our ears?
how can we speak
when silence lie beneath?
how can we fly
if we have lost our ray of light?
how can we see
with eyes full of tears?
how can we feel
if we don't want others to be near?
how can we smile
if we don't know the reason why?
how can we forgive
if we blame the life we live?
Oh please tell me...
how can I escape this life
without giving it up?
Your head feels foggy
you sense yourself unwind,
It’s the same dreadful demons
toying with your mind.
They wait till it’s dark
or the lights are down low,
unnerving sickly attacks
through your blood and bones.
You can’t hide your black heart
the demons can see,
they don’t allow any space
in your head to breathe.
They tear your reason to shreds
you need fixing.
A worn stone sinking
in an ocean that’s rotting,
you decay miserably since
you're forced to bend the knee.
How much more agony
can the universe bring.
Not even your screams
can get you out of the cold,
and you’d rather give up
than go it alone.
A mashup of lyrics from one of my fave artists
It’s sad sometimes how desperate I can be
But what’s even sadder is-
CUT OUT THE POINTLESS SELF DEPRICATION
I wasn’t going to publish this but I though, hey, why not?
Makes you feel
They told him he couldn't but he's been doing it
She waved and went out of her way to say hi
There was a mutual vibe between the two
He was brown and a hard worker very phyiscal to get the job done
She was blonde with blue eyes, her nuturing behavior because of her job
He no longer wanted the life he lived but wanted to move forward with him
She smiled young and innocent where he was older knew better but chose not to do right
He learned from him mistakes and didn't want to fall back into bad habits
He grew up with tough love and she was loved and had it easier
Most do the opposite of what they say, actions speak louder than words
Always in my head my mouth gets me in trouble
All these phonies dish it out but can't take it
I'm too honest can't keep holding back while they fake it
Not worthy of my time for not liking me you keep saying my name
Not interested in the games you play so stay away
Only when you need something you are nice
Half the time you talk like you are better
All your nonsense has me saying whatever
I'd rather write than fight helps me sleep better through the night
You spread lies and you're the one with all the bad vibes
Making others look bad is the only way you survive
Someday are harder than others; I'm glad I made it through today
People will criticize but not look at themselves first
Trying to understand other mindsets is hard when you cannot make sense of the logic
In a new place mentally out of my comfort zone
Learning to communicate with people
who are set in their ways
I don't expect them to change
They do expect so much from me not always able to please everyone
but they do not accept everything about me feels like I'm being set up to fail