I want to feel the skin on my knuckles split when my hands connect with glass
I want to see my hands shake when the pain sets in
I want to feel the metallic taste of blood on my tongue
I want to look at what I've broken
A mirror
My best friend's trust in me
A mirror
The smiles that used to light my sisters' faces A mirror
Every chance at love I've ever had
A mirror
I've broken much more than a mirror

She whispers to me, "I promise I'll stay"
I take her hand in mine
I trust her
I believe her
"Okay" I breathe out
Two weeks of pure bliss
Making out on couches
Holding hands in school
Two girls in love
"I've never felt so alive," runs through my mind
All good things must come to an end however
"I need time," she says
"I'm not better," she explains
I fight back tears and the lump in my throat
A simple, "okay" escapes my mouth
No arguing or tears
Just a simple, "okay"
I should've seen it coming
Well good ******* riddance
I know I'm better off
I hope she chokes on all the ******* she spews

I'd always hated cigarettes
At least until I watched you smoke
Icy hands and thin red lips
I'm convinced that you were determined to ruin me
Because every smile that you gave me made me want to join you
Out on the back porch, cigarette in hand
I no longer associated the smell of smoke with sickness, but with pretty thoughts of you
Your laugh
Your smile
The butterflies I got when your eyes locked with mine
God, I love you and your cigarettes

Warm chills on the back of my neck
Your soft smile helps me to feel safe
God, you're so beautiful
Everything I want to say is rushing through my head
"I'm in love with her, I'm in love with her," says the voice in my brain

Although I know you are poison I would still let you back in
Excited for you to ruin me again and again and again
Until I've been beaten down to the point of giving up on you

You've caused me enough psychological damage  to last me a lifetime
Best friends forever
Best friends forever
Three words that cause my hands to shake and the blood in my veins to boil
You promised me forever and gave me two months
Were the "I love you's" just another way to get me to shut up
Did any of this year mean anything at all to you
Did I ever mean anything to you

I can tell myself you didn't mean a **** thing
I can say that I never needed you
I can tell everyone that I never loved you
But unfortunately I am an awful liar and they all know the truth
They know that I loved your green eyes and how you always smelled of cigarette smoke
They know that when I was high with you all I wanted was to taste your lips
They know that I loved you
They know
They know it all
But do you?

The amount of time I spent keeping you alive was love
The notes and the hugs and the promises of forever was love
I said I loved you every single day and I truly meant it
I guess I wasn't enough

Farewell to heart palpitations and sweaty palms
Goodbye to quick breathing and butterflies
Hello to a numb heart, cold and unfeeling
Lost in a daze of what ifs and maybes
Do I want her
Do I want this
A never ending cycle of toxicity
I warned you to stay away
And yet you keep on pushing
Stay away from my friends and stay away from me
I don't need your vile presence soaking up my inner peace

Do not call me by your nicknames
I can see the poison dripping off your tongue
Do not touch me without consent
This body is mine and mine alone
Do not tell me to stay quiet
My words could spark a revolution
Do not try to control me
My power is unbridled and vicious
Do not mistake me for weak
I am a force to be reckoned with

It's almost like I want to keep you tucked away in my shirt pocket
Not all the time but occasionally
Just on the days when their words are too sharp
Or when the mirror isn't kind

It's almost like I want to breathe you in
Your love and your warmth and your spirit
Everything that makes you lovely
Traveling along my bones, collecting in my fingertips
Purely you

I'm moving too quickly
My brain constantly set on fast forward with occasional rewinds
Just to stress over things I can't change
Let me know if it's too much
I hope you know how much I want you to stay

I cannot comprehend how lovely you are
Everything about you is like a dream
Bright eyes and dandelions
Soft skin and warm breath
You carry the kindness that this dull world needs

And of all the pretty girls I've loved, you were never one of them
Fragile feelings and toxic friendships
If you loved me as much as you said you did you wouldn't have hurt me
Because manipulation isn't love and I trusted you

The way you walk is an indicator of how many hearts you've broken
How many people you've left wondering why they weren't good enough
The way you smile tells the story of how your mother never loved you
How she made you learn to hate yourself
The way you write tells me that your thoughts are always quick and messy
And how you wish you had someone to slow them down
The way you look at me makes me hope that I could be that someone

Her voice is the only sound that doesn't cause my head to ache
It's soft and sweet,
Just like the rest of her
And It's at times like these,
When my demons are tearing apart the last shred of hope that I've hidden inside my heart
And my room is so dark that I'm starting to question if I'll ever see the sun again,
That I wish she was here,
Whispering loving words to me, our hands intertwined
Because when I am with her, the warmth in her smile and the feeling of her hands on my skin makes me feel alive
She is absolutely everything to me

Girl I just wanna kiss you and get lost in it
You're my home away from home and I feel like we fit
Like two puzzle pieces destined to be together
I just wanna be with you no matter the weather
And you know the pain has been real for a while
Been feeling like giving up even though I still smile
But with you by my side I feel like maybe I can win
Being alive is too precious and I can't just give in

Tears on the bus ride home as I think of you
Your energetic smile and frequent footsteps
Your friends intimidate me
They get to know every ******* piece of you
Jealousy keeps eating away at me like a beast desperate to rid itself of the pain of being starved
I want to know you like they do

Hands roaming
Skin touching
Eyelashes fluttering
You are so lovely

Soft brown eyes
Dilated pupils
Quiet moans
I love you I love you I love you

Parted lips
Messy kisses
I just want you
She whispers

My love and I
Holding hands as our bodies unwind
I think she saw God
I think I did too

My demons cannot be found under my bed
They are not hiding in my closet
Or dwelling in my basement
They used to be there when I was young
I was thirteen years old when that changed
They slithered up my neck and gnawed through to my brain
Curling around it and sinking their claws in
Their eyes resting behind my eyelids
Their forked tongues controlling my words
They became a part of me
A disgusting ugly part
I gave them different names
Anxiety
Depression
Borderline
Anxiety is the smallest of the bunch
Crimson like blood
Always jumpy
Always ready to ruin my day
Depression is a real ******
Pitch black from head to toe
Beady eyes always filled with tears
He tells me daily that I’m not good enough
I believe him
Borderline is by far the ugliest
She is scaly and green with long sharp talons that are always covered in blood
Milky white eyes
She makes me blind to all of the love that I receive
Ugly mood swings and whispers of, “They’re going to leave,”
I wish she would just go away
I’m sixteen now and they’re still there
My brain being ripped to shreds by their talons
They are dark and they are evil but I will not let them **** me
I am a fighter
I can slay these demons
Even if it takes years
I know I have what it takes

I can't help but feel as if I am in love with her The lingering touches
The hidden smiles
Private poetry, whispered in darkness
The unspoken confession of her true intentions
I want to know what makes her pure and what makes her a sinner
How can I break through the barrier that keeps love away from her

Her voice is the only sound that doesn't cause my head to ache

Her smile is the purest thing I've ever seen

And her lips are a gateway to heaven

Like an indescribable cure she does more healing than the pills ever could

Pain has no business being in my heart when her hands are on my skin

Our days spent together seem to stop time

The pink sunset skies I see outside my windows are eternal

The songs of the birds no longer sound generic

She creates beauty in the simplest places

She is everything

You're not like the other girls I've loved
Your laugh is like the embodiment of summer
Warm weather and flowers blooming
Two girls with sun kissed skin and strawberry lips, that's us
Please don't ever go away my love
I don't think I could stand it if you did

I enjoy editing my history
Taking away the pain and replacing it with something better
Forget the broken hearts and ****** knuckles
She loved you she loved you she loved you
Tell them that she loved you
Forget the lavender bruises and the ache in your brain
She kissed you she kissed you she kissed you
Tell them that she kissed you
Forget the endless tears and the way your body burns
She stayed she stayed she stayed
Tell them that she stayed

And although I loved her,
Her name was a synonym for sad
And all the time I wasted clinging to her dying memory could've been better spent
On trying to escape the pain that I felt when I realized someone didn't love me

I've grown to accept myself for all of my flaws and I am unapologetically myself. I feel more joy than pain.
I am in love with a beautiful girl who  is in love with me. She accepts my flaws and there is nothing that could break us apart.
My friends are happy and healthy. They are content with themselves and the life that they are living.

I am okay, and I will continue to be okay.