I'm anxious,
You called and said you want to meet
A few hours away,
With her and me.

You know about the drama,
The way I feel about things
I'm sure she's said more
But which will you believe?

I sit and wait for the call to begin
I ponder what I'll say
or if I'll learn anything
While the dread settles in

I don't like myself right now.
I see patterns and look for answers
I'll think I might be getting closer to closure,
but in the end, only  assumptions are found.

"Why do you need to know?" She asks me.
Because I feel like a well.
The Sun appears and I become dried out,
a storm rumbles in and I'm overflowing.

People visit me rarely
each time they do, I become more empty.
They come to me because they get something
They don't stop and sit with me, they want what I function.

Sometimes they paint me,
or add a layer to my shell
They might gift me an accessory
because for them, it will help.

It makes them feel better,
when how I look brings them comfort,
They think everything changed
But I'm still a well they never visit to connect.

I'm a well that sits on a hill,
They think I'm out of reach
but I'm here, left out
Someday I'll be the well that fell.

I don't think we're friends anymore
I'll stop coming around and banging on your door,
It's ******* days where I miss you more
But the thing I can't take is how different we are.

I value consistency in communication
You value space and a lot of distance
Both things are valid and I'm not hurt by that,
But it's hard for me to maintain our connection

Especially when there are contradicting statements.
I know how hard talking can be
But it hurts to be cancelled on so frequently
Especially while feeling full of hope for where our friendship can someday, be

I understand the need for space,
Endless trauma dumping was such a waste.
If there's anything I regret, it's being a pity case
It's a shame I can't go back and still know our history to date

But I guess that's fate,
I can't go back to undo my mistakes.
I can only move forward
And know myself better

When I would ramble to you
I didnt know the power of the letters
I wrote endlessly to you
only wanting to feel better.

I think there was a time when things between us were good
Where we knew eachother and had dreams, as kids should
Somewhere, sometime, some month or week
Things changed between us, something changed in me.

I don't like who I am with you,
but I miss the fun we had and dreams we planned,
Sometimes I wish they'd still come true
But I have a feeling they won't because you don't trust me and I don't trust you.

There's so many different paths I want to run down,
Different places I yearn to see.
I'd like to live somewhere beautiful
Where I can simply be

I fight with myself over the fantasies I keep,
Sometimes I'm sure I'll live somewhere far,
I could have a chicken or two,
My dog could enjoy a huge yard.

Other times I know deep down,
I need convenience and I'd surely fail
Without being somewhere crowded,
Delivery is a privilege.

I don't want the middle between these two places,
Because suburbia was depressing,
Living only two inches away from a bustling family,
I didn't like the times I lived with mine there.

I'd need space undoubtedly.
Then the absurdity starts showing,
I think to myself.. I'll find an abandoned city
Maybe a desserted town like the ones tiktok shows me.

I could pretend I'm in my own story
And the empty streets would be my own
I could wander these houses and see what was left behind...
I think it sounds silly but, it always comes to mind.

If I could live in the house of my dreams
It would be somewhere unimaginable
Underneath the deepest seas.
I'd have glass walls, and a ceiling made of stars

I'd wake up to see jellyfish blooms
And sit in awe, nothing to do
I could swim to the surface somehow
And watch meteors fall

I think what I truly desire
Is somewhere comfortable
Where I can imagine these wishes
Without being bothered by time, or people who don't really care

Or maybe I belong on another planet,
Because I feel alien everywhere.

I should be thankful,
To be able to live the way I do
To not rely on my parents
To no longer suffer from abuse

This is the way I make a living
But it's hard for me to show up.
It's hard to explain it,
How I feel is tangled up.

Why do I restart my life once a year?
Restrict myself from growing,
Whenever conflict appears
I'm not passionate about anything
Restarting is easier than keeping on.
Even though I just want to be done
I start over

I don't want to be helpess anymore,
It was easier, I'll no longer ignore-
How I always asked your thoughts,
How I vented and never stopped.

The things I regret now feel more real,
I wish we just could've hung out;
Been normal friends,
but I was afraid to be myself.

I learned to stay down and not get up,
I'd pace my room in fantasies
Until I learned to que up
Validation felt like a drug

But now what I regret most
Is not giving you a hug,
Spilling my every thought,
And betraying you

Now you're gone