I’ve been watching the waves for a while
Their rising, as the foam inches its way up the shore
And their falling, as the current seems to pull me in

The blue of the sea is enchanting
Its gentle whispers are inviting
The chill of the water prickles my skin
But I don’t mind it
The smooth sand washes over my feet with every footstep I take
The waves draw me further and further until my mouth is under water

I close my eyes and hold my breath
And I notice the silence now echoing around me
All I’m left with is my own thoughts, swirling in my head
Which is rather unnerving
In a comforting sort of way
I listen as my mind spills its heavy words
I hear voices I had never dared to acknowledge
I’m reminded of truths I was never willing to accept

I open my eyes to notice the light above me diminishing
I see blurred outlines of my friends and family
I strain to hear the muffles of their words
Are they peering down at me?
Do they notice my limp body sinking?
Will they dive in to save me?

I will not swim back up, I cannot
Despite my love for them, despite all the wonders of the world, I have no more strength to muster
I’ve sunk too far for them to rescue me
But I don’t mind

I don’t want to return to the chaos
I like it down here
It’s quiet, serene
As if time is standing still, no worries in sight
The eerie silence of the ocean as it swallows me whole

I feel a burning in my chest and my mouth bursts open
I inhale deeply and am met with salt as it fills my lungs
I do not sputter, nor do I cough
For it’s almost as if I’m breathing for the very first time

I let my eyes flutter to a close
And perhaps I am nearing death
But my lips curl into a smile as I feel something similar to peace swelling inside my heart
My heart which has been void of life for far too long

It hurts to remember
That I am alone
My hand reaches to feel your touch
But I’m met with nothing
Emptiness replaced you
Despite you never being here
Your eyes remind me you’re not mine
Nor will you ever be

Your heart may be hidden
But I hope one day I’ll find it
Your mind may be muffled
But I believe one day I’ll clear it
Your soul may be lost
But I dream one day
You and I
Can search for ours together
For I am lost too
I wish to find myself

And maybe
Just maybe
I wish our souls could intertwine
If only you could learn
To love me
As much as I love you

So much to say
Yet I can’t find the words

Or the will

Emotions are rather complicated, I suppose
What is this irksome tickle in my heart?
It is not sadness, nor is it anger, or even grief
Not quite guilt or confliction
Perhaps a sort of blend of the two
It feels rather uncomfortable, like an itching inside
That is barely out of reach
Like a blur in the corner of my vision
But no matter how much I turn my head, I still can't see it clearly
This feeling seems to twist my stomach
And press on my heart
And pound in my mind
A constant pressure that can't be placed
I wonder if this puzzling emotion
Is something similar to emptiness
A hollowness that is unfamiliar
Sinking in a sea of scattered thoughts
Far too deep to retrieve now
And now
All I am left with
Is a perplexing feeling swirling everywhere inside me
A sort of apathy
That can't be named