Maybe I promised myself
To never say
"I have no friends"
Because then I'd sound selfish.

But sometimes
I'd rather not call them 'friends'
Because they seem happy
Without the need to drag me.

Sometimes
I wonder what their life
Would've been
Without me.

Would it have been better?

Maybe I'm too heavy. I'm sorry, then.

...
And in that moment I realized
Her pieces shatter more quickly
Than she can glue them together
And in between the broken seconds
That her universe is in chaos
Those pieces of her soul
Break down to mere dust
And float away in the winds
Of what once was
Joined by the false notion
That her future could be brighter
If only
She gathered her pieces
A little faster.

i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

When I was five,
my mother told me I was loved.
Years later, she asked me to leave because
I was the reminder of the gruesome past that haunted her.

When I was ten,
my father told me he believed in me.
Years later, he refused to accompany me because
I was an embarrassment to him in front of the society.

When I was fifteen,
my friends told me I was funny.
Years later, they all laughed at me because
I was the gullible teenager who fell for their flawless façade.

When I was twenty,
this guy said I was beautiful.
Years later, he trashed me, tormented me because
I was ignorant enough to overlook my inevitable flaws.

So, sorry for not believing in you,
for questioning your intentions, inclusively, in-depth
when you told me you loved me because
I didn’t want to wind up years later,
learning it the hard way that people often don’t mean what they say.

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

I remember the first day I met you,
A smile spread wide across your face
I was 11 years old
You seemed so friendly,
With such a cheerful heart
It was so easy to be your friend
We laughed together in the art afterschool program
You were always so kind,
With an open heart,
It was easy for you to make new friends.
As we grew older,
Sometimes life would take us our seperate ways,
Even for years
But we always found a way back to each other
My dear, cherished friend
Through every storm and every celebration,
You are there for me,
And I am here for you
I love you always and forever,
You're a sister to my heart
A companion to my soul
You help me see my blindspots
And that helps me to grow
And all I want for you
Is to grow into the woman you are meant to be,
May you realize
Just how beautiful you are,
How strong,
And how kind
And never be scared to make up your mind
Make the hard choices,
Do the right thing,
Be brave my dear friend,
And no matter what,
I am right here
I'll hold you in my heart
With everlasting love
Even though my love may be far from perfect,
I thank you for your forgiveness.
I can promise you this,
That no matter what
Everything will turn out okay
And when you're sad and hurting
I'll be with you,
No matter where I am
I just know
My cherished friend,
That everything will be better than okay oneday
Hold on through the tough times,
They'll make you stronger
And don't forget to be carefree
And just be yourself
Breathe and be happy!
You're alive,
You have this one beautiful life,
Be brave!
Love!
Sing!
Be joyful!
And trust God above,
For He loves you through it all
And guides you in the right direction when you listen
Everything is alright,
You are free
You are cherished and loved by many
And there are plenty of things in life to be thankful for
Take as much time as you need
To heal your tender heart.
I love you, my dear, cherished friend.