We exchange civil text messages
Even after I broke your heart
You jokingly bring up women I objectify and ignore
"rack them in" you tease

I don't know;
Is it easier for you knowing I go through people
Like I go through b
                                   o
                                        b
                                             b
                                                 y
                                                       pins;

Or do you just like to torture yourself
Knowing you we're just another   l o s t    bobby pin
I didn't bother to look for?

My sister asked me why I'm so morbid
I didn't have an answer
Just that my veins bleed black
Not red

I would like to know,
Do you take away the poet
If you take away pain?

When she’s gone...
I crave her like the first time I ever laid eyes on her,
I can feel my tongue twisting and forgetting all my words-
A thousand thoughts swirling around my head,
But I still can’t manage to conjure just one
I can feel my body tense,
Begging for her familiarity to wash over me
Like the way soft green hills of the valley
Roll endlessly over one another
Creating a masterpiece that leaves you speechless
When she’s gone,
I crave her
Like an artist craves that one sunset they saw years ago-
Decades later and they’re still trying to recreate a moment
That’s nothing but a memory
Yet they can’t stop, like an itch one can’t find
Because none has compared to that one
When you’re gone...
Things come out all jumbled and backwards
Like “good night” instead of “good morning”
And “I hope you’re having fun” instead of “come home, I miss you”

I once dated a boy
Who told me that all artists are broken
But he didn't understand
That all humans are broken
And he would chain smoke cigarettes in the rain
Praying to a God he didn't believe in
Because he wished so badly to be dead
"all artists are broken"
Does that mean you're an artist?
Or did it just provide you an excuse
To label me as broken

Your eyes are vacant, not full of love like they used to be.
I gently brush your cheek but you don’t see me,
Not like you used to.
You reach over my shoulder, wrap your arms around me and say “I love you.”
I smile and hesitate before speaking,
Wondering if I should just say it back; I do.
Your freckles are embedded in your skin,
Like the way your thoughts become embedded in everything you do.
You soak up everything around you like the way a sponge gorges itself on water.
You watch people like the way you read books, quietly and unnoticed.
You hide yourself behind your stories and worlds,
Watching your characters take form and shape in front of you.
I can see it in your eyes,
The way they entice you and leap from your books.
I watch as the anchor is cast, and its claws sink further into you
Grabbing your attention in a way I never could.
I’m a writer after all, I should love this about you.
Don't get me wrong, I do
But I wish you'd pick your head up and look at me with those eyes-
The ones that wrap around me and comfort me,
The ones that see me naked and vulnerable, my truest self.
But I know if I can ask that of you,
Not anymore, because you just don't see me like you used to.
I remember the days when I'd catch you sneaking glimpses of me, But now our car rides are spent in silence,
Your eyes always averted outside and away from me.
I don't know when the ocean settled between us,
Or when words became so hard.
I don't know when the silences between us became worrisome rather than comforting and warm.
I don't know exactly when it started to feel this way,
When the 'us' separated into a 'you' and 'I',
But it wasn't always like this.
You used to dive into my soul head first,
Breathing me in like I was the only water that could quench your thirst.
There was a time when you used to exist in these places with me, not just beside me.
When you're next to me I can feel the way your breath shifts in the air,
The way you hesitate to let me in
And the way you don't dare step foot in the somber house that holds my mind.
Maybe I've let you see too much,
Maybe I shouldn't have invited you down the decaying steps of my spine and into my soul.
Maybe I regret it.
Letting you see this part of me.
Maybe I regret letting you make your home inside of the deepest parts of me,
Because now that you've decided to take up residency elsewhere,
I've never felt so alone.
Before we drift into darkness you pull me in every night
And give me one tight squeeze,
It's always just enough to let me know you’re still there,
Even if just by one single fiber.
Your body shuffles against the covers,
I don't need to look your way to know that you're already gone,
Back in your own space and away from mine.
I reach over and touch you
But to me you’re not there,
Present you may be, but no longer are you with me.

I love you
Sometimes I just want to fall asleep
Holding you in my arms
Our heartbeats in sync
And the silence of a dark room
Filled with only our deep breaths

Sometimes I want you
In such a way that my eyes become hungry
And they devour every curve your lips provide
They prey on the beauty in your eyes
In those moments
I want to get lost in between your legs
And underneath fist clenched sheets
I want to get lost in every bit of you

I love you in the most innocent passion filled way

It’ll come back to you
They keep telling me
But they don’t get it,
The way darkness creeps inside of my mind,
The way it makes my insides tremble so loudly-
My body’s natural response begins to follow suit,
My leg brushes against the corner of my desk
Just enough to be irritating;
Momentarily distracting me from the object of my attention
I stare at the same blank notebook in front of me
Until the lines begin to blur into one single color;
Hypnotizing me in an almost unbreakable trance
I can’t remember when I started losing myself,
Losing the things,
I thought once defined me
But somewhere…
Embedded beneath the buzzing distractions
My mind taunts me with,
Is one simple word etched into the center of it all
It’s been so long since anyone’s called me it-
A ‘writer’ that is,
My fingertips no longer remember the familiar smoothness
Of my favorite pencil,
My mind has gone dark,
My thoughts only continue to grow louder
Everything inside of me has vanished
Completely submerged into the darkness,
Covered in a sticky grotesque black
That stains everything it touches
I can’t see inside myself anymore
My fingertips don’t dare write a word
Of the war going on inside of my mind
Maybe, some things are better left unfound

I sowed my lips shut for fear of the wrong words escaping
I’m too scared of the pain I’ll feel when I remove the stitches
I’m sorry that my pen has more to say than my mouth
And I’m not strong enough to change that.

Society tries to convince me fireworks are beautiful
But I really just taste a little of heaven and hell on holidays
I still have some terrible image of the ball dropping three years ago on New Years
The same sickening, nauseous, gut feeling Like the one I have now
It’s the same feeling I had when I took the plan B pill after celebrating the new year too hard
The thing is-
It isn’t any different now;
I can hear the fireworks explode in tiny pockets of my mind
And I can see the sky burst with life for two or three seconds
Before the color flickers and dies
But I can also taste the salt of your fingertips on my lips
And I can feel your rough hand close around my throat
I can still feel myself cough ‘no’ through your fingers
And in my mind I’m still praying to god that I’m dreaming
Holidays are supposed to be a little slice of heaven; a break from the chains of this world,
But I just taste hell;
This isn’t anything like three years ago, it isn’t hell-
I’m sitting next to my sister listening to the fireworks
I can smell the ***** on my breath and
Taste all the delicious food we made
The thing about holidays is that they aren’t made to be forgotten;
We celebrate because the triumphs of the past-
Only when everyone is celebrating
I’m trapped in some claustrophobic prison because of the past
Every firework sends chills down my spine
And I can taste your hands shoving my mouth closed
And feel your hands close around my throat so tight you leave bruises
I don’t like to remember but it’s impossible
Some things never change; they just sort of fade
I mean look at us;
We’re all here celebrating something that happened years ago -

There is a secret about me
None of you will ever know it
None of you would ever guess it
Because you see what you want to see
Perception is everything my dear
And I am quite afraid none of you know
Exactly what you are looking for
When you speak to me
There fore my facade is impenetrable

A new decade is approaching
This one will be my first without you
Though I’ve learned how to extinguish the scorching flame your absence caused,
There is still but a flicker of you within me.
If I’m not careful it will consume me,
The raw, violent, hunger of a wildfire
Almost always begins with an innocent spark
A thought left unattended,
And an entire forest much older than I
Must begin anew after days of raining ash and blackness.
As I grow with age,
I find it is almost impossible to hold your memory within me
Without becoming charred by the thought of you
This year I made it my goal to face the agonizing intensity of my emotions
Without burning this body to the ground.
Thats where I was wrong,
Always trying to control rather than be controlled
So I let you take hold of me,
Burn away every acre of my tainted insides
So I can finally put an end to this excruciating cycle
And rise from the ashes you first set ablaze all those years ago
I’ll choke on ash and blood for as long as it takes,
But I will no longer allow myself to stand at the edge of life
Waiting for your soul to return from the abyss
The void that only knows darkness,
Where seeds aren't given a chance to grow.
The end of a cycle means a new beginning
I am intent on setting the whole world on fire
With the same intensity you did in me,
Darkness only wins if we choose not to let the light in.
A new decade approaches,
We are creating our legacy
Within every soul that catches fire
From the passion in my eyes that echos that of my boisterous personality.
I'm finally ready to let the world feel just how contagious the imprint you left within me is.

Choosing sobriety has taught me
An inner strength I never knew I had
It has taught me subtle goodbyes
And doors slammed shut
Sobriety has taught me
That the cure for loneliness isn’t found
At the bottom of a bowl or bottle
But in the chasam of your heart
It has taught me the beauty of the void,
And exactly how to fill it:
There is love for myself,
That looks like grace and forgiveness
There is strength in choosing being alone,
Without sugar coating the pain of my insecurities
Sobriety has taught me
I am an unbreakable whole
I do not need people or drugs to distract me,
Just a pen and a paper,
Free to create my own reality