Tell me that you love me,
Until my heart is full,
And my soul is happy.

Tell me that I made sense of your world,
For we both
Shed tears at the midnight hour.

Kiss me with your wine stained lips,
Smother me with your charm
Ressurect me,
When the sun rises over the horizon,
And brings the same warmth as you brought me.

That is when we remember how much passion was in this wine glass.

I wrote this with a pen,
In my notebook,
At least a million times.

At first,
It was simple & clean
Like the Utada Hikaru song we kept listening to,
Underneath a cloud full of spliff smoke.
But then it turned complex & morally contaminated.
Like the time you sat in my desk chair
And released your stomach acid onto my floor.

It reeked of alcohol
And so does my breath at this current moment.

It's hard for me to express my pain
Without feeling the presence of the nimbus clouds in my mind
Come closer to making my face burst into tears.
But I'm going to try.

Hearing the news that you died,
Plagued my ears and spider-cracked my soul.
I'm never going to be the same knowing that
Your physical existence will not be roaming around this earth.

The huge disk of memories we created are on vinyl
Constantly replaying in my head
But scratching after May 13th.
That was the last time I saw your infectious smile
And felt your tight bear hug that provided me with warmth.

After our palms clapped
And fingers interlocked,
I felt your heartbeat with my knuckle.
We were more than friends.
We were brothers.
We were humans that had souls that understood each other.

I'm not going to lie,
I am still damaged and feel out of place in this world.
Where do I go from here?
How do I feel better?

I think about you every night,
With my tear filled eyes soaking the lifelines of my palms.
I keep the thoughts of you replaying in my head,
Knowing that your spirit has touched the souls of many,
I can't help but feel this sad.
But I know that one day I will
Feel better.

I tried to find the answers at night,
Underneath the night sky
Where the stars shined bright,
And the moon provided solace.

I confessed my pain to the moon every night,
It illuminated my soul
And gave me a shoulder to cry on.

Dear celestial object,
Allow my wanderlust soul to rise to the stars
With hopes of finding comfort at night
Because I haven't been the same since finding out about the death of my best friend.

May you live on forever Fuquan Ford.

Have I broken your back yet
Like I pulverized mine?
I know I'm a heavy burden --
With weight I cannot leave behind

You kissed me
With your dazzling gleam
When I craved affection.

Provided solace
When I felt like the only soul that's walking on earth.

Last night I felt an explosion of tears burst through my face,
As I remembered my friend who passed.

I felt alone
Like the last cloud to escape from the night sky.

Remember I asked you if you ever had that feeling?

You illuminated my soul
And allowed me to sit on the edge of your crescent.

When I expressed my explosion of tears to you,
I was reminded of your craters.

Sing me the song of solace
Kiss me with your dazzling gleam
Strip me bare,
Accept my vulnerability as a human.

I'm giving myself to you,
Underneath the night sky
Where no one is watching
But those who have found peace in heaven.

See me as fragile.
Illuminate my soul
Control the tides of doubt in my mind.
Strip me bare of this human flesh,
And let my soul rise.

Sing me the song of solace
And allow me to find comfort at night.

If I told you that I cried,
How would you look at me?
Would you see me as weak
Like the time I scraped my knee
And the tears fell from my eyes
Faster than the blood escaped my body?

If I told you that I got a rose tattoo,
How would you look at me?
Would you see me as "less than a man"
Because society has taught you that flowers are feminine
And you are too afraid to admit your hyper-masculinity
Blinds you from seeing otherwise?

What if I told you that I am an emotional black man?
Would you look at me differently,
Because I allow myself to break free of what society paints a man to be.

If I told you that I cried because I'm scared to die,
Would you hug me?
Would you tell me that everything will be okay?
Or would you neglect my feelings?
Because "men aren't supposed to feel".

Since I'm an emotional black man,
Am I still your son?
Am I still your friend?