i think there's something urgently wrong with me
the sudden need to drive further ways from my heart
i cannot seem to follow my heart these days...
all the roads i created
all that my heart is connected to,
all the roads lead right to you

but...
i still cannot follow my heart

So i discovered that yhu are happy now.
Too bad, I'm not the source.
Maybe yhu'll find out, how immense
My pain is...
Perhaps, someday too. I hope yhu know.
That yhu are the source.

If love could be bottled up.
Then my bottle would be...
Empty!

I want to be with you, but being without you is sweeter!
On the eve of an almost ended November, you placed your lips on mine, and suddenly we began to make overlaps and wetness filled the scenery.
Your heartbeats, so fast it felt like  background music!
Your eyes, said "our last kiss"
It was tasteless 'the kiss'
Our love life filled with life and vigor,
It was loveless... Not knowing who loved less!
On a sunny sunday, where there was no sun!
You shone, and suddenly my butterflies grew wings.
Like ikaris they flew too close to the sun.
Suddenly you left!
And now the birds don't sing anymore, the rivers became as still as a lake.
The sun refused to cry sweet heat of hotness hitting *****.
Since you left, i started to leave my life
Suddenly!!

Maybe i deserve pain.
I've cried too much.
I suppose, it's why, it won't rain.
A heart that knows no gain.
Should i plull the plus,
Would it cause a riff, or would it strain
Maybe i deserve pain.
Cause all who've held my heart.
Have felt pain!

They... They will take yhur pride and expect you to stand tall.
They will collect your ballon and expect you to smile.
They will take your meals and expect you not to starve.
They will take your God and expect you to have faith.
And they will take your happiness and still expect a laughter.
Take your life and expect you to live.

Dear Diary...
I've been having some days full of sleep and insomnia nights.

Today, this morning, i woke up feeling like death!
and when i finally opened my eyes,
i kinda wished that was it was.

I hope tomorrow i can wake up feeling like life,
so i wouldn't wake up to realize
it's Death.

Do you still miss me??
I mean...
You can lie, but it doesn't make us even!

Thanks to those who didn't stop me from crying. *yhu made me forget my tears.
Thanks to those who left me on the floor, *yhu thought me new ways to stand!
Thanks to those who left, *yhu made me become more independent.
Thanks to those who gave up on me! *i honestly never thought I'd be this strong without yhu.
Thanks to those broke my heart. *i found a new way to love because of yhu.
Thanks to those who didn't reply my talks or messages! *yhu made me enjoy my own company!
Thanks to those who faked smiles to me. *haha, i surely discovered the right way to smile.
Thanks for the pains too, *i never knew my tears tasted this good!
And thanks to those who told me i couldn't do it! *i hope yhu can see me now.
I am doing it!

Third note:

It wasn't so long ago, my heart froze, like jack frost passed by!
I have now become the embodiment of loneliness.
No matter how i explain where it hurts to others, they still don't understand.
So now, i know how to accept the taste of my tears, "sweet in another way"
Bitter is happiness, and tasty is the mother of pain's milk, that flows from her bare breast.
I have now come to understand, that depression, is a salvation into doom.

Second note:
Do you think, that maybe,
Just maybe, if i die... I'd be left alone??
I wouldn't have to listen to the soft, cold, voice of silence...
Like a taciturn wind and waves splashing on rocks by the river bank.
Some say, "God wouldn't give you problems you cannot handle"
So, why do i choke on my blessings and lose to my demons.
Depression is like an inspiration to give up.

Fourth note:

So... They say love comes with the season.
Then how come it's only one season here??
Season of tears.
I realized, how "chores are things a person does and isn't noticed, until the person stops doing them".
If i take another step from this bridge into this river.
Would someone notice me??
Life has ups and downs, so how come I've only ever been looking down?
When you hit a child, either out of love or reproach.
I won't change the fact, that it hurt regardless.
So please... Anyone.
Someone... Give me a hug.

First note:

Oh, but when you said i could fall...
In love!
You never mentioned, that no one else had ever survived the fall.
My chest feels like, a tsunami about to hit china.
I knew loving you wouldn't be easy...
But even lucifer survived the fall.
They say the "journey of a thousand miles begins with a step".
But...
What am i supposed to do if i have no feet??

Fifth note:

Haha...
I realized today, that I'm not lonely.
I just have nobody!
For the fifth time this year I've resurrected my hunger for nothing.
I've smiled so much that it feels odd now.
So, i now open my heart and accept that...
"Yes indeed, i am a walking obituary"
I bet if i rapture today...
The gods wouldn't know i existed.
So now, i smile a teary smile.

You are you, and i am me!
You probably don't know, that i don't like walks in a park, but i do it for you.
The difference is...
You feed your ego with me.
But i love you whole.
You lie, even when i know it's the truth.
And i just smile at noon, but soak my pillows in eye liquids at nights.
You use me to satisfy your loneliness.
And other people too.
But i really have no one, so i cling up to a hope, that you might look at me, without the thought of me as a "pawn"
I keep trying to make us work
But you keep going to work on me.
The difference between us is.
I've mastered pain.
And you're a lost puppy.
The opposite of love is not hate.
It's to be taken for granted!

Yhu gave me butterflies...
But not in a good way. Those were times when, i was important to yhu...
Now, my only importance is yhur idea of me.
"Sometimes yhu have to give space, so people can miss yhu"
Maybe then, yhu'll get yhur value back!

As she started to trace her steps...
She discovered that she was back on the same trail.
The one that led to her fall.
Well, now she's back where she started.
On the ground again.
And trying to fake a smile
Was like trying to heal a scar with a bandage.
She was a girl in passing...
She was a lady in limbo, and although other people see her.
She does not see them.
Even with her love for bright colors, she couldn't find the grey area in her pain.
Her love was lost!

Second gimmick:
A cup half empty, can also be a cup half full.
Depending the who feels the pain, it can either be great, or less.
So, to the path of an independent woman, i stand on, not walking... Standing.
With eyes full of shame, i stand within myself, shameful.
Ashamed of my full self.
Of a how a 'fool' i was.
I tool i am.
A help meet, but i cannot get, even meat.
No matter how i beg for help!
If life is a movie
Then i was the side character, who wasn't casted, no screen time.
I'll be the missing script!

Third gimmick:

I see... So this is life??
What life??
The jokes i used to laugh to before.
Are not funny anymore!
Even life feels like death, and death seems to be calling out warmth!
I often fantasize about myself, Alive.
Like i was an undead corpse!
Furthermore a path i found, was closed by a path that found me!
Not once, has anyone ever asked me, what i wanted.
All they ever do is look at me an assume. I need directions, but they assume i know.
I need help, but I'm assumed to be independent.
At this pace, i might lose my beauty to an ugly situation!

First gimmick:
"I am beautiful, am i beautiful"??
Says the mirror, each time i blink at it.
An image i see of myself, can't be compared to what others see!
"An utter disgrace"
I seem fallen, maybe i am a fallen angel.
But even Lucifer, as a fallen, still has his light and grace.
So tell me  why do i look like someone else's misfortune??
I am a woman by day, and night, a girl drowning in her own tears.
On soaked silk sheets!

Most often times than none. We try to understand what a woman wants...
And endless, needless dedication of time, staring into an abyss who won't even look back.
The pride of the gender exudes so much temptation, that's blocked only by their self esteem!
A woman, a fine blend of all things pure in an onholy manner.
The help "meet", who only meets you at the point of her own need, but is there for you regardless.
Now their complications wear a silhouette and pose for a camera with dead batteries.
A woman wears no original scent.
Only the one she thinks suits the occasion.
A woman, a mixture of all things petty and a cluster-****, to bring out a goddess or light.
They're both the sickness and the medicine.
Depends on their mood!

I can be the great ice...
Taking on the titanic
The great tsunami, flooding asia.
I can be like brimestone to gommorah
I could even be a rain storm on a Sunny day, changing the weather, and being unpredictable.
I could be like the wisdom of old men
And happily smile on sad days.
But each time i hear your voice,
Mine cracks a little
And i melt into a thousand pieces.
I stop at the shores of China...
Be a blizzard in soddom
And let the sun shine free on it's days
And when i listen to you speak again, even the wisdom of old men
Wouldn't be able to keep me from breaking.
You do things to me, without doing anything.
When i fell for you,
I think i bruised both knees.
It's a shame you couldn't fall.
You're still standing tall.

Could you cuddle me...
But not just with your body, do it with passion from your eyes, and think of me even while I'm there with you.
Kiss me like as though,
Your lips has pledged allegiance for me.
Spoon me from behind, and let our thighs slip underneath, against each other.
Let our body play the stings of a violin
And produce Melodies untold
Love me tenderly and hold me like you're elderly.
I want to look at you, just enough, so that other girls will have nothing left, to see of you.
My favorite color is you.
So, Let our *** become conversations
Of unrecorded desires.

I'm sure breakfast in bed sounds nice.
Morning pecks and cold night cuddles, intense romance, and getting caught in moments, that leaves you breathless.
Hand gestures and french kisses.
Unending conversations, talking even about things that didn't matter.
Going on dates and even hitting on the Waiter.
So much love in the air that you caught all.
But then, please look away.
Take walks in a lonely hall.
You can't possibly have all those.
You're single!!
Just keep scrolling...

I may not have all the experiences in the world...
But I know love
And I know pain

So even if there's pain in love!
I'll still choose love!

Sometimes, hate is good. It can prove as an excellent motivation to strive.
Most often than none, love isn't always enough.
I could write a couple of things about how love does this or that...
But reality *****!

I recently discovered, that i smile the most.
When I'm in the worse life challenges.

But you know, when you hit rock-bottom.
There's only one place, left to go...
Up!!

I am the start of my own line...
Not a descendant, but the beginning of an ancestral reign.
I'm only called weird because i see things and analyze them differently.
I cannot be like the rest.
After all, only dead fishes go with the flow!

Love is a sin...

Those kisses, hold no weight.
Those hugs, they hold no feelings.
Those caresses, they hold no tingling.
Those cuddles, hold no warmth.
Those eyes... why are they so cold??
Those words, well they didn't hold any truth in them.
Even while yhu are here!
I am still alone!

Lies too sweet to tell, too bitter to retain. too heavy for the tongue to bare, too sharp for the ears, or they'll tear.
Lies....
Yhu lied.

Once i saw a woman who was blind
But could feel sight
She was mute, but her touch spake volumes.

Once i saw a deas woman, who was alive...
In the memories of those who remembered her.
I do not fear pain, nor death.
I do not fear Hatred or love.
I fear, that one day...
I'd be forgotten!!

Peter pan would be nothing
Without the lost boys.
Without the sun we'd freeze up
And without the moon, we'll burn down.

Just without life, I'd be one of the concubines of death.

Without you I'd be an empty husk, shelled off, left to dry underneath the desert sand.
But without me, you'd be like an amazon goddess with a choice, and happy!

Oh look at him, always smiling about!
(But they don't know he's parents beat him to sleep)
Oh what a wonderful family, always shopping...
(If only they knew, that the home is divided inside)
What lovely couple, always holding hands.
(He secretly beats her till she turns purple)
Look at him, always spending...
(No one sees him working four jobs)
What lovely make up. Such pretty face.
(No one knows she has to do two layers of foundation, to cover those bruises)
... So ... What's your own story??

I Sully everything i see...
I stain everything i touch
I leave pain in my wake, in all the hearts I've visited.
I'm the bringer of sadness...
The entity that shuts your lights out.
I am the room that takes your smiles and trade them for despair.
The utter embodiment of depravity
I am the boat man, at river Styx.
The one who knows no love
And the one who love, refuses to get close to.
I am neither here nor there, the complete definition of lost love.
I am death.
I am a poet in transit...

That's what I am.
Like an art on a canvas.
Only just to be admired, nothing more.
Only pleasant to your eyes, when you saw fit.
My only existence was to satisfy your needs.
You could've at least looked at me with love in your eyes.
If You're going to cry wolf
You should mean it.
My anxiety became the only subject matter, and she gave me advices because you were never here.
I was only useful in a useless way.

I was useful in loving and supporting you.
But all of those were useless
Cause you still went back to her!

According to michealangelo!
"A woman's heart has to be with god, so that a man, may seek him.
To find her"!
But what if??
Just what if... What if her god's dead??
Does that make my search in vain??

Maybe, if I'd just kept walking.
I wouldn't have walked into your life.
Maybe i would walk out of this pain growing like a wilde fire in me.
Maybe if I'd kept walking.
Then maybe you'd only be beautiful from afar!

I want it all...
All the love stories I've heard. Including the ones i saw in movies.
Oh wait, i want my money back for those movies too.
Disney lied to me.
I want the coffee smell at dawn.
The smell of cuddles at cold nights.
I want to taste a soft lips, mixed with sweet saliva.
Disgusting?? Who cares?? I want that.
I want someone to look at me like, I'm the last and only thing they want in life before rapture.
I want to not feel like happiness z over rated.
Or is that too much of a want??
Or does my want not want me??

So, all the love, cynical pleasures, and time spent together, building up memories...
Feelings, piled up, and love spreading out.
"I don't want to be with yhu anymore"
Was how yhu ended t...