Sleepless nights always start the same
A shaking I can’t control
I chill all over
I know somethings wrong
It keeps me awake
Often it has the same effects
Eventually the shaking turns to rocking back and forth
Tears spring to my eyes like a soldier at attention
Late at night I can’t handle it
it ruins my efforts at being distracted from the causes
I break down
I stop what I doing and sob
as the soldier tears rappel down my cheek to my chin
and dive off the edge
Sleepless nights are the loneliest
I sit there afraid
Of losing you
Of myself
Of myself without you
I can’t bear to be without you
Losing you is the crippling fear
in the back of my mind
that keeps me lying awake at night
and on nights like these it’s the worst
it seems real
like i’ve lost you with no chance of return
Last time i had a night like this
you sent me “love you too”
i kept it on my phone to look at it to reassure myself
last night like this i looked at that message 16 times
scared that it would change
i can’t sleep on a night like this when i don’t have you
i need you more than sleep
i need you more than life
i need you more than anything

I don't see you anymore.
My worst fears came true.
Your night shifts, my days,
I don't know what to do.

You are my everything,
That's why I'm so afraid.
You'll find someone better,
I'll wonder why I stayed.

Forget me not I beg of you
for it will leave an ugly residue
on my heart

seasons change
as well as my mood
but never my scars

for many hours
I dedicate to sitting
in the dark

I often think
of the moon
and how alike we are

to be seen
but never
understood

to be heard
but always
ignored

to stand alone
forever and never
to be longed for

hearts that drip with blood
don't belong
inside cold
empty shells like us

so the clouds
steal our breath
and leaves rustle
telling us their stories of death

so our lonely souls
become miserable enough
to do society a favor
and clean up our own mess

the only difference
between us two
is I can die
but he will remain glued
brightly to the heavens
as I fade here on earth

I remember when I was just a kid,
playing video games and dancing rock n' roll.
I remember all the happiness I had,
doing the stuff I used to like.

But one day everything became dark,
****** thoughts and sadness all night.
My mom asked me why I was sad,
I didn't know what to reply.

I have the urge to see blood,
running through my arms.
The pain I feel is inexplicable,
I don't even think you would understand.

But that's just me being alive,
I guess I am just alive outside.
I am dealing with this pain all night,
because I am just dead inside.

(m.v.a)

When did
your love for me
become a
*disappearing act?

I never knew what drowning felt like until I started having trouble
keeping my head above all the lies you had me swimming in

I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet;
I had once felt so secure, coupled to the earth's surface,
but that security had quickly been replaced with the fear
and realization of who you really were
as soon as you began pushing me under

I could hear myself screaming for help, but nobody else could
my mind had been disconnected from my mouth,
and my thoughts were no longer being transmitted
I felt like I was looking at you through frosted glass;
I knew you were there, but your figure was blurry and distorted;
I could no longer make out the details

what I was seeing (or what I couldn't see),
along with the absence of oxygen, left me gasping for breaths
I knew would never fill my lungs again

it was too late, and this was too much

I wished so desperately that I hadn't let you get under my skin;
I'd never been afraid of large bodies of water
I welcomed the ocean into my life just as much as he had
welcomed me into his, using gentle currents to pull me closer
each time I visited

but he had turned against me, now under your control

you found the breach in my walls,
and I was foolish enough to let you in

the currents were no longer gentle;
the undertow had me out to sea before
I could make sense of what had happened,
and the dark water began to envelop me
your voice squeezed the last breath of air out of my throat while
your empty stare pushed me farther under the surface

the light slowly drifted up past me as the ringing in my ears
was drowned out by the deafening silence,
now suffocating me

I could feel sand beginning to build up,
first in my feet, then in my legs

I stopped resisting and let my eyelids flutter shut,
falling in harmony with my body

there was nothing to do
you were gone

darkness is the only thing I have ever known since

Your silence is a kind of
Grief,
From words that were left
Unsaid.
But when swept in a drunken
Heat,
The words of then are bled.
××××××××××××××××××××××××××
I know you more;
Yet, still I don't.
There's more for me to see
But keep your mouth and desires
Shut;
Do not be familiar to me.

your fingers are like
matches
setting every piece of skin
they touch
on fire

burning all the bad
words ever said
making me believe
the words your movements
express
beautiful

it is weird to feel something
i have never felt before
i discover nerve endings
i never even thought
existed
but your fingers
find them
beautiful

our bodies
fit perfectly
as if your hands
formed me to fit yours
mashing together as one
beautiful

i feel it at every piece of skin
your hands skimmed
i feel
*beautiful