My feet are muddy
From trudging through this rut.
Day in and day out
The same old things twisting in my guts.
It would be so easy
To just give in or give up.
But there is hope inside me,
A small spark and that's enough.
I'll clean off this dirt
And pull myself out of here.
Brand new, I want to live,
I will live.
I don't feel guilty about it anymore.
The way my mind falls on you in the dead of night,
Tracing images of you across my memory.
There can't be anything bad in this.
In the wanting, the needing, to touch your skin,
To press my lips to your neck,
To run my hands along your ribs.
I can't stop myself now.
I'm giving in.
My eyes betray me,
They follow the motion of his hands,
They trace the curve of his back.
They will me to send out my fingers,
Willing traitors, to touch his face.
I imagine what it would be like,
To rub my face into his beard,
To breathe in the scent of him.
My mind calls mutiny,
Searches for ways to escape him.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about....
The way his eyes betray him.
They search for me in the crowded room.
They trace the curve of my body,
And land softly on my lips.
His eyes are wanting,
Willing his hands to lay siege.
My mind is quiet, giving in,
There is no escape for me.
Like old lovers
Our eyes greet one another.
I can't bear this tearing, this pulling.
It's ripping me to pieces
As I stand helpless.
My mind is open in all directions,
But where do I go from here?
Where's my solace?
I thought once I held it in my hands,
Held on as tight as I could
Willed it to stay.
But just as it always has, it broke to pieces.
Ripping me wide open,
Tearing me away.
I stuck it back together with lies and tried
To keep it with me one more time,
One more day of peace.
It's cracking under the pressure of my fingers,
Threatening to snap once again.
Break me in its release.
It's racing through my blood,
Once a puddle, now a flood.
Lighting fire to my every limb,
You're so good as I breathe you in.
My fingers are ****** from clawing away
At this tomb that you built, my own grave.
You buried me in my own hatred, self doubt
And now I'm killing myself trying to get out.
"*****, ugly, worthless, nothing." You said
As you bashed me until I was all but dead.
Then you kicked me hard down into this hole,
And I mourned all the self worth that you stole.
But I'm almost to the surface now, so close,
What's left of me now more resembles a ghost.
I've come this far and I'm not giving in,
I'll regain what you tore from me with a ******* grin.
I can't remember why I held you up so high,
You've got nothing but a cold emptiness inside.
It spread like a virus and washed over me,
Into my strength you planted the weakest seeds.
I became what you wanted, broken to nothing,
When all I ever desired to be was your something.
You held me so low that I scraped on the ground,
With your virus inside I couldn't make a sound.
I just bled and I bled until nothing was left,
You kept all my pride for yourself, such a petty theft.
I held you so high that you couldn't see the floor,
But I see the error in my ways and say, "Nevermore."