Thin respect veils the difference
between dawn and morning
Circles of chairs watch the small
worryings emanate from my hands
and folded arms
Routine is fallacious, and I'm starting
to think, so are you
So, without further delay, adieu.

-cj

Sleep does not come easy
when I'm not sleeping with you.
I'm so used to doing it
not alone, but part of two.
There's too much room
in this here bed
there's a pillow here
missing your head.
And my heads missing your lips
I can't sleep tonight
not without that goodnight kiss.
The moon looks in my window
watching with empathy I'm sure
she knows this lonesome feeling
her lover too sleeps not with her.
Sad insomniacs
with empty sheets and empty arms
you're somewhere else asleep without me
the thought alone just does me harm.
If I could rearrange the stars like monkey bars
I'd cross this desert straight to you
if I had to dodge through speeding cars
let me tell you, there's not a thing I wouldn't do.
My eyes are growing tired
but my mind is racing with thoughts of you
it won't seem to let me sleep tonight
I think it's trying to run to you too.


*s.mndi

“You and me for infinity”
That was the plan
That’s what you said
You made me a promise
Then you just left

It’s not your fault
I’d never think to blame you
It was only an accident
It just didn’t claim two

I still see the lights
And I still hear the scream
I still pray at night
That it was only a dream

Maybe God isn’t listening
Or he simply doesn’t care
It really doesn’t matter
He can’t stop all the stares

“There she goes
That girl who survived”
Everyone blames me
Just for being alive

When their voices get too loud
I close my eyes and remember
That last thing you told me
That last moment together

“You and me for infinity”
That was the plan
That’s what you said
You made me a promise
Then it all turned red

I used to believe in God.
I used to go to church and say the prayers.
I used to sing the hymns and read the stories.
I used to have faith in a higher power.
I used to believe I would go to Heaven.
You never understood.

You never liked church and you thought prayer was useless.
You rolled your eyes at the hymns and laughed at the stories.
You put your faith in yourself, in your family and in me.
You said Heaven was on earth and right by your side.
I never understood.

I used to believe in God before you died.
Church held no answers and the prayers didn’t work.
The hymns couldn’t heal me and the stories annoyed me.
My higher power took my faith and threw it in my face.
But worst of all, worse than anything else, I knew Heaven was a lie.
Because the real Heaven was on earth, and you were torn from my side.

So much death and so much life,
I’m surrounded by a bright white light.
There’s shouting and beeping and someone is crying.
I can’t move or speak but I can’t stop trying.
My arm is throbbing and my leg- is it burning?
I almost sit up and now the world is turning.
“Don’t move!” they say and push me on the bed.
I don’t know why, but I’m now filled with dread.
I call out your name over and over,
With no response I feel myself growing colder.
I ask the stranger with a hand on my chest,
“Please, where is he?”  but he just shakes his head.
He refuses to answer and I refuse to let it go.
I’m kicking and screaming that I just have to know.
The beeping gets louder and the light starts to dim.
I try to tell the stranger, “Please go save him.”
They say our hearts stopped beating but only mine was revived.
That’s the thing about hospitals- so much death and so much life.

As we wage war with our loneliness, We must be forced to face our deepest desires.
Our deepest needs.
Out deepest unknowns.
Our deepest fears...

As we wage war with our loneliness, we must be forced to face our greatest enemy. And often times, it proves to be ourselves.

As we wage war with our loneliness, we must force ourselves to love the parts of us that we hate. When 5 am consumes you, there is no choice but to crumble under it's pressure. But we shall make like the April Lilac and bloom in beautiful praise of our constant struggle.

I write this poem in the presence of others, and I can't help but long for my own solitude.

I expected everything to be easier
But I miss you more each passing day
I miss your voice
I miss your touch
I miss our banter
I miss you
I miss our
I just want everything back to what it was
Baby I love you more than my own life
Please bring it back.

Love is..
Unpredictable.
Unsalvageable ..
Undeniably unbearable without you..
Fear of being rejected,
Doesn't allow me to have you.
It is like being,
Trapped in an eternal,
Thunderstorm of disdain.
Rusting,
Like drowning metal.
Bleeding liquid pain,
As I watch you,
Not see me
Not know me,
Never need me
And it kills me...

This depression,
Runs in my blood stream.
Blood curls,
And I scream.
Sometimes,
Tears are the best sedative
And sleep the best liquor.
Because I can,
Only have you in my dreams.

Its seems
Every dying minute I spend awake,
The reality is much harder to take.
Your absence is absence.

It makes me so cold that,
Breathing threatens to,
Shatter my lungs.
So I hold my breath...
Hoping,
Praying,
Wishing
That someday,
You would finally see me.
Or else I would suffer for eternity,
Willingly..
Hemorrhaging internally.

Life is lonely.
Love is merciless.
And I am a victim
Of this ruthless,
Torturous,
Chaotic emotion.