TAURUS: Overall you were rigid. You wore a fake smile and hid behind brown eyes that glistened when they stared at the face of trouble.
But only if it wore a dress.
Told yourself what you were doing wasn't wrong, that you couldn't be wrong if you weren't happy.
Slept peacefully at night in those freezing silk sheets your mother gave you on Christmas morning and maybe that's apart of the reason you are the way you are.
Like a glacier.
And I am the titanic.
When we collided with stuttered breaths and clenched fists it was a massacre to everything I've ever known.
You were the artist.
But the masterpiece was quite different than what I had asked.
Paint me like someone you actually loved.
But you couldn't.
You were stubborn.
A puppet master at best you were always in control.
Pulled the strings of your lovers to the tunes of the songs in which you ironically named after them all.
Including myself.
I adored you.
You are the color red which grew to be my favorite until it faded to the pink that shaded the bags underneath my eyes.  
And the color of the handprints along my once porcelain skin to state your authority.  
Lies were your stability along with alcohol and under a drunken haze was the only time I was enough.
But I took what I could get.
Made me question love like a game show host and you made the bet.
Undressed me like curtain number 3 just to find trouble once again.
But this is all in your nature so are you really to blame?
Be careful with your tongue for it might be cut off by the tears of the wrong person because you said the wrong name.

I don't have any amazing stories about my life and about who I am
I don't even know who I am

And I wish I could lose everything and everyone so I could have a valid reason to end my life

I have the best parents
A loving sister
Dear friends
And they don't deserve the pain that would demand to be felt if I killed myself

I don't deserve what I have
I keep letting everything escape my fingers because I never held on tight enough
And pain is festing on my soul like a hungry animal thirsty for blood
Because lately, I am sure there is something wrong with me

My biggest punishment is being aware of the consequences people around me would endure, the aftermath of suicide

I pay my sins with having to live and disappoint over and over again

I am so so sorry. And I know you are tired of my sorrys. But you are never letting go. Because you love me. And I do not deserve that and it's only making things harder

Please hate me. Please.

It's not yet night for her to sink
But she closed herself and sank
Like eyes that are too tired to blink
And gazing upon the muddy river bank,
Suddenly, there were ripples in the water
As she sinks down into the river bed
But there was not a single call from her
As if she let herself be led
By water currents she knew so well

Have you forgotten how to float?
Or are there no souls around to tell,
About silent screams with a sore throat?
Did your roots pull from the mud?
And the current strong enough to break it?
It's a tragedy of the tiny pink bud,
who once sat on the murky water of two feet,
Being swallowed whole into the water
and not once experiencing a genuine woo

Oh, lovely water flower,

....Did you regret it too?

I must ruin your fantasies now
because there will never be beauty in such pain that makes you want to set yourself on fire

No beauty in having the power of making your parents think you are not safe if you do not pick up your phone or in causing them to have panic attacks every time you lock the door

There is no beauty in having a chance and not taking it because there is something wrong with you and you feel so ungradeful because no matter how messed up you might be, many others have it worse

There is no beauty in wanting to get cancer and die so you wouldn't have to do it yourself because it would hurt others less

There is no beauty in the chaos of staying in bed for weeks in a *****, messy apartment and lying about your life being in order

There is no beauty in sleepless nights
Eaten up by ether pain and guilt or numbness and debating whether you should let yourself live another day because you sure as hell know you are what people call a parasite and you don't deserve to be significant to other people

There is no beauty in being a coward and doing absolutely nothing with your life when there is only one thing you have to do, yet you stay in an overly expensive apartment all by yourself  wishing you could just hit the reset button and maybe be born as someone else or not at all

There is no such thing as beauty of madness and there never will be beauty in being me.

I saw you again last night
I didn't see you for a year
You changed
I thought I'd be a raging mess
But I didn't feel anything
Like you never meant anything
I tried to save you so many times before but
I was never going to be enough
And you looked like you were scared of me suddenly
Like a deer chaught in headlights

I then realized
I was falling in the depths of a pit inside some other dimension
In which we are acting like strangers once again