when you think of me am i the worst? do you even think of me? I see you in my dreams sometimes and try to explain how much I miss you. you ask me why are you being so mean? And I say this isn't real. Do you ever look for me in the background the same way I look for you? Do you regret the choices you made? Or was leaving me behind something you look back on with confidence. I cry when I miss you but I just can't imagine you doing the same. I wish I could wish you were doing well but honestly I hope you burn without me. How dare you be okay. How dare you not miss me. How long will it take me to move on? I don't know. Maybe I won't.

biting, burning, clawing, stirring
ripping, tearing, teasing, pulling
seams are stretching
eyes are pooling
sick and angry
tired, moody
apologies are overdue
not sure what’s been owed to who
don’t swim, just sink
don’t fly, just fall
dont scream for help
while you quietly stall
im disappointed
im disappointing
and
i see the lights press on between
the darkened streets im wandering
stretched like taffy
stuck like glue
are you mine
or do i belong to you?

how close to you i feel
i hear your heart beat from miles away
i feel the warmth of your love
on my cold rainy days

i tell you everything.
i speak more clearly to you
than i ever have to myself

i am soft, i am plain, i am calm
you are a lifeboat
you are a lighthouse
my love, my lover, my lovely

i wanna shut everything off and just sit in my car
eyes dark, heart pounding,
how did i make it this far?
and while it looks like a long way,
it feels like nothing at all
and i’m staring off of edges
feeling slightly too tall
stumbling into
i give up and i’m sorry for even trying in the first place

i miss you

being vulnerable is very scary, and to be honest with you, i’m not currently the biggest fan. like whats the deal with putting all the sensitive squishy parts out to get stabbed? and why does it feel so **** good when they don’t?

please be patient with me! i am still learning! i am still growing! i am getting better every day!

i am feeling. very shaky and many things at once. but when i’m numb i always miss the feeling of feeling so even if it hurts i’m going to enjoy it

sometimes i regret the endings
i chose so carefully for us,
plagued by constant what ifs,
scratching my pen at the storyboard of you and me,
trying to start another chapter to the book i loved for so long

i can only pray that
you stay missing me
and i stay missing

prying eyes think i’m dumb
but i’m not stupid
i’m just numb

different day
same ****
silent in the passenger seat
someone else’s
music blaring
car speeding
blank staring

i’m half alive on my drive home
cursing out the plates in front of me-
“decide, Delaware!” “figure it out, florida!”
treating the road lines as suggestions
as i speed along home to sleep.
and when i get there, the door creaks open in greeting, i toss my **** down on the counter
and pull my numb, freezing feet out of my work boots, thinking all the while
“crap i tracked mud in on the carpet again”
i bounce on my heels to reach the heater,
turning it Up Up Up so i can finally feel okay again.
when i think about dinner, it’s just pause
i tear open the fridge door and see
redbull zero and diet pepsi

i felt like ****
so i stopped into speedway to cash out and buy bang
and i still felt like **** so i bought $40 vitamins
and the label promised they’d solve all my problems,
but they couldn’t even fix my skin
every time i get paid? i spend it
every last ******* cent goes to retail therapy- the only therapy i cant afford but indulge in anyway
maybe i should’ve listened to my psych
maybe i shouldn’t lie at every meeting
maybe i- maybe i- maybe i
should have let them put me away
it doesn’t matter
i push it, shove it, cry it down
“It Doesn’t ******* Matter”
i chant it to myself like a prayer, a last message to god before i drag myself down to hell
on my bruised knees i sit
not talking to the lord,
just ******* ****

high on love
and stable
for the first time
i think that i’m able,
even capable,
of living out a future worth living.

bitter much?
yeah i’m bitter

never gonna be one of the group
one of the guys
we don’t share friends
we only share lies

what the **** is my problem?
its you
its true

you lie to me
cover it up
i’m too far ahead
watch you clean it up

i pretend that i don’t
exhausted, overwhelmed
the kind of pain in my chest that i can’t scream out

i wake up and
everything hurts

i am tearing myself apart at the seams
second guessing second guesses
waiting for something else
something other than me
to justify me
and the space i fill
and fill and fill

who am i to say who i am?
what power do i have?
all i do is fall
and rip
and tear
until there’s nothing left for me to
pull and pick at

taking showers in the dark
and skipping breakfast
my ****** knuckles broke the mirror
it was them not me
not me

nothing lost
nothing gained
no more breaths
no one saved

i did not let go.
i held on till there was nothing left to hold on to.
i held on even when the string tightened and cracked my bones.
i held on through rope-burn until i had no skin left.
“and was it worth it?
what did you get in return?”
a broken hand.

if you step back
i’ll run away
won’t wait to see
if you’ll stay
quick kid- till you’re out of breath
leave before you can get left

***** inspo and thinspo
and online shopping
***** book clubs
and parties
cleaning and mopping
***** whining
and dining
lying and stalking
***** radio hosts
and all their
nonstop talking
***** everything
that ever made me sad
when i’m starving so much
that i think ive gone mad
start a fight cause i’m hungry
it’ll end when i’m not
ask- is this life worth living?
cause it’s all that i got

to be in love
and have no one to say it to

i’d pick up but you never call

starving myself
into submission
the casual result
of unchecked ambition
the focusing factors
the aderall
and ritalin
try to drown me but
i hang tight
on the sight
of an unbroken vision
my actions, my words
under constant revision
revisit the sites
where i break
down decisions
had options
i lost them in
thoughtless
metacognition
and
i know i’m long gone
cause i’m stuck in remission

i went to sleep late
woke up hazy and grey
i rolled out of bed
to face a new, ugly day
i said it was over
i wish that thought stayed
but you're still a ******* liar
so nothing has changed

just “ok”
because that’s so you
making plans
with no follow through

face wasted
broken phone clutched in hand
as i climb into my best friends prius
thinking back to this morning
when my size seven jeans
slid off my empty hips
back onto the bedroom floor
same place
where the rest of my clothes lie
stripped off after last night
i melt like butter in your hands
but that’s okay
i’d rather fall to you than
anyone else, anyway

gold drunk
catching your eye across the bar
someone asked me to play piano that night
i took a breath and said sure i’ll fill in
you came up to me afterwards
“i didn’t know you could play, i didn’t know you could sing”
i told you i do my best and you offered me
a glass
you pushed it in my hand
didn’t really ask
(but you never really ever asked)
part of me thought i was just so cool
you were a bright purple neon light
against my wine red and navy blue
but i promise-
i knew exactly when i’d be done with you

all my friends are scared of intimacy
but i still **** like a rabbit
i hate myself
but i still love all my bad habits  
thought i could write
guess i was wrong
the world is a stage
and i’m playing along
but i don’t know this show
-don’t know the words,
don’t know where to go
i’m missing the blocking
it’s overwhelming
it’s shocking
but does anyone know all of the prose?
do i need to know where everyone goes?
maybe it’s time to pull a kerouac
spend some time on the road
get out of my head
lighten my load
but i know enough to know
that i’ll never go
too scared of what’s next
of death, the unknown
so i’ll just keep playing
one confused lonely pawn
throw my heart on the stage
while the audience yawns

i always have cold feet
because i don’t eat
homeostasis
called me up on the phone
but i didn’t have the time
living life in the fast lane
desperately grasping at rhymes
i know why i’m always cold though
my friends and i race through the snow
in nothing but bikinis and speedos
i want to run away from you
because i don’t know how to speak
when i’m staring at your face
you touch your hand to my waist
i take vitamins to keep my hair from falling out
but i can track my symptoms in other ways
blacking out for days
dull eyes
yellow teeth
paranoia
and cold feet

slippery word
you say it like you mean it
by which i mean
you don’t
scratching at my lungs
cool
lifting up your tongue
cool
i do what i say i won’t

cool

too early
too late
“are you sure this is what
i’m supposed to do”
didn’t sleep
can’t eat
“you overthink”
true

filling up
emotional mess
like coldplay
a rush of blood to the head
i am not a motel
but you take what you need
and you leave me anyway
in the dark waiting for
a call that will never come

i don't your spare time,
i want to be your girl
(you only care when you think you're losing me)

for two minutes each day
i’m all yours

i’m just a scared little kid
afraid of losing what
i already lost

i can’t even imagine you slept

you’re leaving me all your regrets, the only things you think you have left

you’re calling my bluff, while i’m getting undressed

i’m sick
of everything i do,
of all the pretty words that come from you

you used to be the only one i could trust
you say you cant trust me anymore

i ask for a break in mourning, in morning, in night, for you
i did it for you
you think I’m being selfish, you say you need a break from me too
but i didn’t want to, i did it all for you

my ex-lovers mouth is not a
place I'm proud of lurking
drowned in alcohol and cigarettes
he said
were from all the stress of working

there is your sister, there is your sister brilliant and shining in every way you are not, and there is your brother, blindingly talented and everything you are not, and because they are the opposite of you, you expect them to be the same, but they aren't, there's 10 billion types of people and you are the worst of them

i swear to god i'm gonna die
in one of these nameless steakhouses
to a backtrack of classical jazz
with my back straight
and my legs crossed
in a pretty dress
and stockings
my hair pulled up tight
(i have a headache- no one cares)
when i get handed a menu,
i barely look
i'm getting the cheapest salad
because that's polite, right?

i am a chess piece faking my way through a checkers board
running on an empty tank- go go go
fast!
Quick! here's a myth-
the asthmatic boy meets a girl burning up!
Both survive!
how do you say no thanks? no thanks!
your words are harsh red lines and they stab me and make me bleed.
stop asking me the same question.
i heard you the first time.
i did not want to answer.
the world is painstakingly dizzying and hopelessly loud.
Leave Me Alone

it's so hard to be sad around you, i wish i could steal your light all the time

you wanted to burn,
and I want to drown,
so I guess in the end
we're both going down

attention seeker
(attention *****)
i haven’t slept in a year
(that’s impossible)
I feel like i haven’t slept in a year
(i feel worse than you)
i know.
- i know
(you know?)
I know.
-you really hurt me by loving someone else before you knew me
(that doesn’t make sense
that’s not fair)
i know.
-sometimes i imagine terrible things to make myself feel better
(that’s weird)
i know- i know
(what things)
going blind and getting sick and dying and losing all my friends and getting cheated on and crying, i imagine myself crying a lot
(why)
i told you
-it makes me feel better
(this isn’t even a real poem)
i know
(you can’t write ****)
i know
(you’re a lazy slob)
i know
(you’re pathetic)
i know.
(….)
i know.
(i didn’t say anything)
i know.
(is that all you can say)
no
(so you agree with me)
yes
(good.)

you leave me breathless and strung out
in the late night, wrapped up but cold
staring at my phone screen waiting for
you to say anything
you tell me to go to sleep
(it's some passive aggressive *******)
i go to sleep anyway

I feel like I'm holding
your hollow hands together
sometimes,
and if I let go
your bones will tumble apart
and fall all the way down,
straight to hell

i swear i'll try not to let go,
but if i do-
i'll meet you there in nineteen years

Hey lovely,
Let me be the JD
To your Veronica
You said you liked the fact that I'm not crazy
Ha! Good luck with that one
You're right, I'm not into miscommunication
But!
I'm still a little itty bitty bit ******
In the head
That's okay though
I love you, my lovely

hello hello hello again
you made me cry again
i said i wouldn’t spill tears over you
i said i was sick of
singing tragedy
i purged you
i burned you
i ran from you
i ran into myself
bitter
selfish
burning burning burning alive
stop being so casual
god
this is not a casual conversation
stop breaking my heart
you **** me up
lets jump off cliffs together
lets become star crossed lovers
you broke my heart
you broke me
stop it stop it stop it
i am not
strong
you were supposed to be strong
i am too weak
to carry this
god
please
drop the casualties

coffee crazy coffee crazy
drip drip drip drip
down the side of my mug
3 am
this is why i stay Away
from this stuff
coffee crazy
on my third cup
liquid prison
sitting dizzy
just one more please just
one more
i am not done working
4 am
it just felt like a few minutes
I’m loosing track of the
5 am
hours the clock is running faster with each
ounce
heart beat heart beat
unsteady
it’s horribly unsteady
it’s horribl-6 am-y unsteady
but i write and i write and i write
about every uncertain, earth shattering broken heart
and the unsteady shake of the earth and
the broken unsteady beats ripping me apart
7 am
sunrise and i am
b l i n d e d
by the soft uncentered light
drifting through my hazy hazy  window
and my legs are shaking and 8 am i am
sure i am dead
and by 9 i am six
feet
under
the ground

i didn’t ask where you were back from
it was too painful just to know you were gone

You were my
Perfect porcelain doll
I left you buried in a garden,
like that book we both loved

I'm sorry

Burn me to the ground, and we're both going down, I'll give you the same respect you've given me and god I wish I could see it all differently, but I deserve no sympathy, what a lovely tragedy, that I leave this mess, this burning house in misery, while you sit content in your unseen demise.
You'd never know but I could never hurt you, I'll keep you safe from this rising fire in my ocean, I'll never hurt you, love, I swear to god I'll never hurt you

Storm storm storm
I storm out of the room
I avoid eye contact out of shame
I shift, I slide
I rain, I reign

She wears her heart on her sleeve
Quite literally,
And with a needle
And some ink
She writes her own destiny