Sometimes, I can't sleep at night because the only thing that clouds my mind is the night I was *****. It happened four years ago but yet, here it is, like a fresh wound opening up in my chest. My heart aches for me, for every person that has ever gone through this. Someone took away something that wasn't theirs to have.

It keeps me awake at night now more than ever because I am pregnant with a little girl. I couldn't even keep myself safe from that horrid thing happening. How can I be sure to keep my little girl safe? How can I bring a human being into this world without that guarantee of safety? I can't even sleep at night thinking about it.

I just want the world to be a kinder place. For everyone.

Learn to say No
Don’t give an explanation.
They don’t deserve one.
Stop saying it’s okay when it isn’t.

If they grab your arm, push them away, kick their shins.
If they get angry and yell at you, yell louder.
You are a powerful Woman,
You don’t deserve to be trampled on.

Use your Voice!
You have the force of a Typhoon in your voice.
Drown out the misogyny and wash them out of your life.
Tell them that the answer is NO.

I don’t know why I’m crying.
No really. I have no idea.
I’m sitting here, and I just start bawling.
There’s so many gifts and things for the baby in my belly. But, nothing for me.
I’m making a whole child and I get nothing.
I can’t sleep at night, I’m uncomfortable.
A body pillow would help, but I’m too focused on saving to buy one myself.
I feel fat and ugly, but my boyfriend says I’m just pregnant.
But like, it must be true? He didn’t deny it.
Just told me I was pregnant.
Not, you are beautiful and perfect. Just pregnant.
I’m so tired all the time. And my boyfriend hates that I sleep. But I can’t help it. I’m so exhausted.
I just want to be held. And he doesn’t even want to touch me.
Am I really so bad?
Is this all in my head?
Am I crazy?
No, I’m just pregnant.
That’s what everyone tells me.

Words never said
Only written down
Never seen by anyone
Never noticed
The smile on my face
It's only fake
My happy attitude only comes from force
Leave it to me
To see a tool
A box cutter
And only think about stealing the blade
Not for cutting a box though
Written words
Words unspoken
Silence is the loudest scream
Tell that to everyone else
Written words
Not on paper but skin
Written words
Not with ink but blood
Scars forming
Never to go away again

You didn’t get the chance to breathe fresh air.
You didn’t get the chance to hold my hand.
You didn’t get the chance to meet your dad.
You didn’t get the chance to meet all the people who were excited to see you.
You didn’t even get the chance to tell the world hello.

You were in my belly for 12 weeks.
I didn’t learn about you till week 5 but I loved you all the same.
Your dad and I were so excited, and we did everything we were supposed to.
We got you a crib and clothes, even though we never got the chance to find out your gender.  
We were just so happy we finally got pregnant.

Not enough tears could fill the void you once held in my belly.

We didn’t get the chance to know your gender.
We didn’t get the chance to hold you in our arms.
We didn’t get the chance to name you.
We didn’t get the chance to paint your room.

I had a miscarriage.
It just wasn’t our time.
Miscarriages **** emotionally, physically, and mentally.
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing my grandma is up there holding a new angel in her arms.
You were going to be born in a world of love.
I can’t help but blame myself.
Maybe my body wasn’t healthy enough?
Maybe I ate something I wasn’t supposed too?
Everyone keeps telling me it isn’t my fault,
But the thoughts are still there.
I just wish I could have held you,
At least once.

When people ask me why I left you. I answer them honestly. Now, it’s time to tell you. I got tired of kissing you. I got tired of seeing you. I got tired of your jokes. Your smiles, your laugh, but most importantly, I got tired of you. I hate to say this bluntly, but you need to understand. I just didn’t love you anymore.