I believed.
I was deceived.
I cared.
It was not shared.
I fell.
You could tell.
To you, I was drawn.
You led me on.
I said I love you.
You lied and said you did too.
Then I said Don't leave me
You said We'll see
I should have walked away.
Made you ask me to stay.
But now I'm left alone.
Parts of me, left in your soul.
My heart aches beneath these bones.
But without me,
*You feel whole.

The pain hurts,  
But it feels good as well,
I want to be be accepted
Even if I have to walk through hell

I am not "Cool"
I am not "Skinny"
I am 93 pounds
Hoping I will soon be "Mini"

Yesterday I did not eat,
I will not eat today,
I will not eat tomorrow
Or even the next day

I want to be skinny,
I want to be cool
I exercise everyday
and swim in the pool

I know this is not healthy,
I know I could die
But being accepted is all I want
I want that gap between my thigh

My friend tells me
"Have a slice of pie".
I have never told her
Of my new life.

Doctor told me today,
That I will die
He gave me three weeks
So I guess this is good-bye

Do not hurt yourself,
Please do not make the same mistake
It is not worth the pain
It is  not worth the heartache

I wanted to be accepted
I was mislead
Society is wrong
Now I am dead

There is not turning back
There is no second chance
I want to feel the sun again,
And learn how to dance

I was anorexic
I made a wrong choice
So promise me one thing:
Tell my story, be the heard voice

They say "home is where the heart is"
Does that make me heartless...

I.
the background noises in his head,
they make him wish he were dead,
make him afraid to tread,
an endless ****** red thread.

a tight-gripped gun,
a twisted kind of fun.
fueled by inferiority complex,
makes him grip a loaded gun of god-complex.

II.
reckless and unaware,
treading heavily into places no one could bear.
the trauma of countless no more
capitalized and embossed into his core.

a perfect villainous smile,
vile,
nailed into his metaphorically unbreakable cranium,
distorted invested repressed tantrum.

II b.
he is hell bent,
yet heavenly sent.
regretfully,
sadly.



III.
he just wants to fill the emptiness,
a validation of his worthiness.
his head is the seven seas of confusion,
with a room mirroring the worst reflection.

IV.
shotgun clacking,
a madman in the making,
unloaded,
“fire it!”
fired.

V.
a deafening heartbeat under his ribs,
poor souls forcefully reaped,
ghosting the veil,
who’s going to tell the tale?

VI.
“what have I done?”
a dropped empty god-complex shotgun.

VII.
one, two, three, four, five, six, sev-
before he guns himself.

Listen.
I know you've lived longer
Than my short quarter century life.
I know you've seen more,
Done more, loved more,
Touched more, tasted more,
Experienced more things than i.
I know you're only trying to help.
I appreciate the giving of advice.
I know you mean well
When you say it's time to give them up,
It's time to move on,
To be my own person,
To learn to live for only myself.
But you haven't lived through
The total decimation of your family.
You haven't watched as the lives
Of your loved ones fall into utter ruin
One by one.
You weren't relegated to helpless paralysis
By the fear that you'd lose them all
And by the depression that came with knowing
You couldn't even help yourself.
You don't know what it feels like
To have the dagger of abandonment,
The shattered shards of broken hearts,
The pinpoint needles of disillusionment,
The three-pronged fork of misunderstanding,
****** into your soul over and over
By every lemon life throws your way.
You don't know what it is to stand
On the brink of death
Because if you don't have them,
You have nothing.
You still have your family.
All intact and whole.
So don't begrudge me
My clutching, grasping, clinging attempts
At keeping what remnants of a family I have
Together.
I will not let them go
Until they have to be pried
From my dead hands.
And even then, I will still be loyal.

*They are all i have.

I oftentimes recall a boy,
To whom all life was simple joy,
Who never let life get him down,
And reached for the celestial crown.

Although inside his heart was broke,
He'd treat life as just a joke.
Good friends he never seemed without-
To see him smile removed all doubt.

One day he ate a box of pills,
And finished with all earthly thrills,
To think of it brings me a chill,
I wish that he was smiling still...