I had death on my mind before
but this was different
Depression wanted more
My demons belligerent

My mind on this endeavour
Mixed logic in and its making more sense than ever
There is absolutely nothing after death
A thousand thoughts but one last breath.

On life I no longer wish to cling
But death ends everything
Thought or feeling
Or the process of healing

You don't hear or speak lies
You don't feel the pain behind cries
You don't see it in their eyes
You don't feel how time flies
You don't know if towards your wellbeing or demise

You don't have a mood
You don't feel good
You don't mind opinions skewed
You don't care how you're viewed

You don't feel bad
You don't feel sad
You don't feel the loss for what you had
You don't feel love from your mom and dad

You don't get to care for what you hold dear
You don't get to be brave or cower in fear
You don't get to wipe a happy or sad tear
You don't get to chastise or cheer
You don't get to choose, you just disappear

You don't get a choice in the matter
You don't get to worry about the after
You don't get the need for a break, a breather
You don't get regret for dying either...

To fly, I wish I could
And hug her, I would
Love is the mood
To hope, I know I should
But that it can't be, we understood.

The day I died
To live I tried
I woke up smiling
Texted my friends good morning
My dad, I hugged
My mom, I kissed
My dog, I pat and my face it licked
We went for a walk
Ended up in the park
Threw a ball, got back a "thank you" bark
Met my friends, had a lot of fun
But then the pain begun
I stop by a tree
Wrote my pain as poetry
This usually saved me

I'm sad
No!...I'm depressed
I'm mad
No!...I'm stressed
There's a heavy pain inside my chest
It's been there for years, it gives me no rest
It's also in my mind
No cure I could find

Tell me why should I keep living?
When all the good,
for a split second meant nothing
And a split second it's all it took
To end my life right where I stood.
That's the day I died...
Even though, to live I tried...

So tomorrow starts without me.
Without the saviour, poetry.

The day after I died
I woke up sad
I couldn't text my friends
I couldn't hug my dad
I couldn't kiss my mom
I couldn't pet my dog
I couldn't throw the ball
I didn't hear a bark, I heard a whimper.
I couldn't meet my friends
I couldn't make them smile

I looked down at my lifeless body
I heard the cries of my loved ones
I tried wiping down their tears to no avail
The day after I killed myself
I didn't **** the pain as well.
I just passed it on...

The day after I killed myself
To bring me back, they tried
I wanted to live
But I had died.

It only takes...
One...
cut to slowly fade out.

One...
rope to swing your life about.

One...
train to reach the final station.

One...
bullet to stop your concentration.

One...
handful of pills to finally shut down.

One...
step off a building to lay dead on the ground.

One...
jump off a bridge to never be found.

It only takes one thought to pick one way out
And nothing can be done to come back around...

The impact you can make
You can't even fathom,
It can fix a heartache
Best said at random
How much it can do
It's a simple, I love you.

You wake up early
Barely getting enough sleep
You're a businessman down to the core
You think earning money is your fate
Value yourself more
Before it's too late
Think of your family
Work is all they get to see
When was the last time that you saw them smile
I got you thinking, so it's been a while
Money's in today and out the next
Nothing but struggle and no rest
You realized only when you got old
You traded with things you couldn't afford
What did all that money get?
You sold your soul and bought regret.

I used to not drink alcohol at all, I hated it
Bad memories without even drinking it
Now it helps me sleep so I drink a bit
Is alcohol a friend or a culprit?

A drink with sleep on my mind
A quick one instead of the eternal kind
I'm getting drunk to forget myself
I feel more empty than that bottle on the shelf.

I hate the taste
Yet I down another glass
With this poison laced
I wish I could pass.

Is this the only cure for my pain?
And all the agony that follows
From drinking I know I should refrain
But it helps me drown my sorrows
I raise the glass, put down my pen
I'm drunk so I wont try to **** myself again

I wanted to end it all
So I stood at the edge of
a building 7 stories tall
I've a fear of falling from a great height
Yet in that moment I had no courage nor fright
As I look down, I imagine my flight
I was hoping to die...
To die in a blink of an eye

7 stories to end my story
I decided to end it gory
With a few seconds fall
So I stood at the edge of
The edge of ending it all.

The worried thought from a good friend
Put the thought of killing myself to an end
Now the fear of falling is back in my mind
The thought of leaving my family behind
Their cries echoing inside my head
Imagining their pain of knowing I was dead
So a few steps back I take
Hoping to, one day, forsake
This agonizing suicidal heartache.

A few months later
I think I'm all better
I'm done with all these emotional trials
I'm all smiles
Unfortunately all fake
How much more of this can I take?
One day I'm feeling numb
The next, to my emotions I succumb
I'm back to the beginning...
The beginning of the end.

I'm doing this hoping to find
A way to maybe change your mind
Since I have a hard time changing my own
Know that your pain is not set in stone
Think of your loved ones
Thinking of you
Think of all the pain you'll put them through
Think that it will **** them too.

I'm afraid I must admit
I regret not doing it
Next time I might commit
So a date was set
For another attempt.

If you looked my demons in the eye
And you're still willing to try
To light my fire
To make me smile
Then I won't deny
I'll love you till the day I die

What the **** am I supposed to do
When I look in the mirror and I see
That my worst enemy is you
And that is making me
Want to pull the trigger
At the man in the mirror

Instead I punched the mirror till my hand was sore
7 years of bad luck they say
I've wasted 7 years of my life anyway
What's 7 years more?..

My heart starts feelings my mind can't control
And all that does is hurt my soul.
No matter how hard I try
Tear after tear
The more I cry
The more empty I feel

My heart's overfeeling
My mind's overthinking
My soul is hurting
Myself needs killing...

Sometimes a broken heart
Has no tears left to cry itself apart

I'm a prisoner...
of my own mind
My minds trapped
Chained by my heart
And they're all struggling to find
Their way in the maze of my soul
But they're stuck in a never-ending agonizing stroll.

I'm scared to live
I'm scared to die
I want to yell the truth
But I'm stuck in a lie
So there goes my youth...

I'm more alive in my dreams
I know it's not what it seems
Lost in a virtual world
Broken in reality
On the floor I'm curled
I struggle to get up on one knee
Please hear my plea
I just want to be happy...

You are maligned
Will power was left behind
Never had it cross your mind
Be all your thoughts combined
Happy, only if confined...

Do you remember?
When we used to play together
When we ran in the garden, no care about the weather
When you were always by my side
When we were sad
When we were glad

Do you remember?
All the happiness we could've shared
All the times we could've cared
All the pain and love we held
If we were together
We would've remembered

But in the end
None of this is true
None of this happened
There's only one truth
You didn't die at birth
You were born an angel
But God, for me, is dead
Because he killed you
But let me live instead.

Our thoughts, sometimes we hide
Sometimes we share with pride
Some thoughts for years reside
And some, for good have left our mind
Some are evil, some are kind
Anxiety thoughts are intertwined
Depression makes my thoughts run blind
And when all these thoughts collide
Results in the thought of suicide...

Sitting in my room alone
My heart slowly turning into stone
So before we both break apart
I'll have a chat with my heart
But for that it's too late
To turn into a statue was my fate...

Depression is a *****, but **** when she teams up with social anxiety your world starts crushing down.

You feel like **** or nothing at all and you can't tell a single soul because you are basically... terrified.

Why would you "bother" someone with your "petty" problems, you don't wanna be a "burden".
Why would they "bother" with your whining.

So you close the doors,and sit in darkness all alone growing nothing but hatred towards yourself.
You hate yourself and you wonder why would someone give you even the slightest hint of love when...
WHEN EVEN YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF!

As much as you'd like to,you "think" you're too ****** up to be loved so you don't let yourself be loved, even more.
You want to have friends, but you "can't".
You want to be in a relationship but you "can't".
You want to be helped, but you "can't".
You want to smile, but you "can't".

You just have this expression on your face that resembles something you remember as a smile.

You wear that because you "think" you are not worth it, you "don't" deserve to be happy.

This is what depression does, it eats you alive because...


Depression is a *****, but **** when she teams up with social anxiety your world starts crushing down.

You feel like **** or nothing at all and you can't tell a single soul because you are basically... terrified.

Why would you "bother" someone with your "petty" problems, you don't wanna be a "burden".
Why would they "bother" with your whining.

So you close the doors,and sit in darkness all alone growing nothing but hatred towards yourself.
You hate yourself and you wonder why would someone give you even the slightest hint of love when...
WHEN EVEN YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF!

As much as you'd like to,you "think" you're too ****** up to be loved so you don't let yourself be loved, even more.
You want to have friends, but you "can't".
You want to be in a relationship but you "can't".
You want to be helped, but you "can't".
You want to smile, but you "can't".

You just have this expression on your face that resembles something you remember as a smile.

You wear that because you "think" you are not worth it, you "don't" deserve to be happy.

This is what depression does, it eats you alive because...

Depression is a *****...



















And so is overthinking...