I love you, but I am scared of you
I am scared of what you know
Of how you think and how you feel
Of how you are
I am scared of how you see the world
I am scared of how much you know of me
that I don't know of myself
I am scared of your ability
to hurt
to maim
perhaps
to ****
I am scared of how dangerous you can be
Of how dangerous you are
Of your dark tendencies
And your twisted mind
I am scared of what is in your head

You are evil
You threaten me
Blackmail me
Use your power over me
You say 'You don't know what I am capable of'
And I don't
And that is what scares me most
The unknown

Your mind is uncharted waters
I am scared to venture into deep
For fear of being hurt in the crossfire
Because when I am close to you
I fear that you will hurt me
Sometimes, when you are angry
I fear you
I fear for myself
I fear that I am only a pawn in your wicked games
You say you can do things to me
Though I know you never would
It scares me
That you could

You know too much
And see too much
Everywhere you go your eyes flit around
You breathe in everything
You take in every detail
I am scared
of what you take in
about me

Don't you see?
How you terrify me?
You barbarian
So violent, ruthless, unpredictable
Sometimes
It is as if I don't know you
You are a demon
A devil
The spawn of Satan himself
But I love you
I love you
But I am scared of you

"I hope you heal all the wounds you want to heal"

In this space and time, that we call memories,

Eyes closed tight…we wince to recall special moments long gone.

Some, we merely exist to relive, and others are meant for painful lessons learned.

Strumming through the cobwebs, we coerce ourselves through this jaded door,

Only to find, this time, a feeling of sorrow followed by expressions of grief.



Like a bank account, we deposit memories daily,

Some are easily recalled and others are over and done.

It’s those memories that reside within our hearts that cause special remembrance,

And miraculously, we have the ability to morph these from anguish to memories of tranquil joy!

*Sending a smile and all my love to you…….. I’ll be watching for you in the stars.

“...Your words were found and I ate them.
They became a joy to my heart. In my mouth—
a sweet delight, but in my belly—bitter...”
                                                ­ --Jeremiah


...But that night
by dim background of next-room light
I could not see your face
just feel your hush of shadow words
on spine of shudders

Seems we dropped this bomb
that would not stop exploding!

...And I was sure?
that it was right?
because...because....!
Their eyes were slanted!
So they could not see—
the “Good Guys”
VANISH—
WIDE-EYED—!
in its TOO-MUCH-LIGHT

Still your voice insists
in pause and fissioned hiss
that I MUST KNOW
in tender half-life
TRUTH
too pure
too deadly white

I swallow lethal glowing dose
HOW CAN YOU SPEAK
SUCH WORDS SO CLOSE!

EXPOSED!

“...in mouth sweet—in belly bitter…”

Stories? and the Grandma Song
rendered tender—lull of voice
Soul’s cabinet cleared of venial sin
Last of all—the tucking in.....

They say you first get sick....*

Seems we dropped this bomb
that would not stop exploding!
And I am invisibly ill—with truth
approaching critical mass

Will angry rads incise their ways?
Will leaden swords of angels drive them back?

In this night—
my bedtime stories fainted at your
whispers...whispers...WHISPERS—

fusing an oblong fear
that I MUST NOT DROP!
but I cannot hold!

Fetal-folded
frail and freezing
under covers— just barely peeking

“Jesus hanging on the cross…Tell me-- was it I?”
Jesus hanging in the cross
TELL ME! IT’S NOT TRUE!

"Tell me, mother
Were you God talking?

I could not see your face
by the next room’s light..."

You clipped her wings so she would fall,
but she learned to fly without your voice
to soar into the atmosphere.

You were her morning and evening star,
the guiding lighthouse on the shore;
you were her adoration.

You didn't understand that she truly loved you,
how much of her heart she gave to you that you
trampled on and discarded for your own pleasure.

Now she's going to fly
grow
love
be free
while you're still in your chains
of heart games and misleading.

In short, she's always going to
**be better
than you...

Mom, you know I need you
When things get out of hand,
And my day-to-day is stretching like
A frayed old rubber band, and
My patience wears and crumbles,
And I think I’m on the brink, and
It’s time for ‘Hokie Pokie’ on the
Roller skating rink;
Then you tell me,
“Put your whole self in, and
Shake it all about,” and
I can see you smiling, and I can
See you have no doubt that
Life will turn out, somehow, maybe
Not the way I planned, and that
There might just be a bit more stretch
In that frayed old rubber band, but
Even if it snaps, and life breaks loose, and
My skates end pointing toward the sky,
I know you’re there to help me up
And give it one more try.
Mom you know I need you….
Phil Lindsey, May 7, 2017