My weapon is voice today
'tis careless
a spell amoungst curs
it puts close friends in their places
and worried
(behind my back)
It kisses with mischeif
and muddies stray-fully

My weapon is played
a trial
a tool
to bring about my isolation
Then i may exit without notice
and unfollowed
a relief, in release

My real work shall begin abroad

Even though ten years feels like a lifetime, I feel as though I can reach back and remember the way my heart skipped beats for you. I feel as though I am still jumping out of my chair and onto my bed because I was scared to tell you the way I felt but I just pressed the send button and Lord knows I can't be around my phone when I send risky texts. It's as if I can reach into the very back of my mind and remember a time that we were happy...

And over the years we spent together, through the good and the bad, I will always remember the things you taught me. I'm not sure where it went wrong, though I'm sure your opinion differs. I'm not one to be boastful or pretend I'm better than anyone else, but that's where you'd tell me I'm wrong.

I'll get this out of the way now, I'm sorry I cheated on you and honestly, yes, I regret it. Should I have? No. Did I? Yeah, I did. It was not grown up of me and being scared to tell you isn't an excuse. I understand your grudge.

I will admit, that person and the one after were a way to fill some sad void. I think the first was more a release and the second more a "I'm free" kind of thing. No, it wasn't serious even if in the moment I thought they were. I'm trying to "man up" and let you know, not so you can say you told me so, but so you understand.

Let's, as two conscious adults, run through some points in our lives together. First, let me start off by saying I know I ****** up. I understand sometimes I would blow up out of anger, I would give you attitude, I was annoyed, I was annoying, I was emotional. There were times I gave to you things you did not deserve... and I've addressed these things many times and I can only say "sorry" so much before it dissolves so meaninglessly off of my tongue.

This is not a game of "well, I did this BUT you did this to me." It never has been. This is a reminder that you tore me down, you broke me, you held things inside of me hostage.

My family and I combined gave you thousands of dollars. $10 here, $50 there, $100 somewhere else... those things add up. We made sure you went to school, both high school and college. We made sure you had heat, a place to shower, warm food, a place to sleep. We did as much as we could, depending on the circumstances. We made sure your birthdays weren't dull. We made sure when your not-so-there parents would show up again, to remind you it wasn't worth the anger.  We made sure to pick you up when you would fall and it wasn't out of pity or the "opportunity to fix someone less fortunate." It was genuine, we all wanted the best for you because we saw the best IN you.

And wherever things turned south, let me remind you the times I had to plead to workout because I was ashamed of my body. Let me remind you of the times I went out on a limb and spent more money than I needed to "because I had a steady job," while you sat on every penny you had. Let me remind you of all the times I warned you that I was exhausted, but would instead be screamed at because you wanted to go on a walk at 10 p.m. Let me remind you of all the times I sat in front a mirror crying and you would only get more frustrated. Let me remind you of the countless times you would throw me under the bus to make yourself look better. Let me remind you of the the emotional ******* you put me through and I would still apologize for. Let's talk about all the double standards. Let me remind you that no matter how mad you made me, I never made it the public's problem.

Let me remind you that even though you had "put" me through so much, I still wouldn't leave because I was afraid to lose my best friend.

As I said before, being scared isn't and never will be an excuse... but I was afraid and even though you did so much for me, the bad just started to outweigh the good.

And now, almost a year later, you and I have both moved onto to new people. I want to start by saying if your happy, then me too. I only want what is best for you and that isn't me. (No, not because I cheated on you, boo hoo) I'm not the best because we don't click like that and we tried and it didn't work.

How many times, a year later, can you tweet a different variation of, "imagine clinging onto someone because you don't want to be alone?"

How many times, a year later, after you've unfollowed me... can you check my twitter to only be so mad about me finally being happy? How many times can you convince yourself that I only want to be with people who "give me attention?" Yeah, that's nice, from my boyfriend. For a very long time, though you wouldn't be aware because you weren't there, he didn't give me the time of day. I wouldn't say I am with him because he's the one giving me the most attention. I would say you are clinging onto hope that I don't need him because for whatever reason, you'd rather see me miserable.

I know the two before were stupid. I admit that with my whole heart and I used my head to think about why, and I gave you those reasons somewhere in the mix of words up there.

But YOU were not my happiness. No one is. I still struggle and you know that. I, frankly, am just sick of you undermining me because you thought you gave me the world when instead you made mine crumble.

Keep my name out of your mouth for the love of God. As much as I want to be the bigger person, sometimes it takes a lot to not text you about the things you say about me on the internet. I carry on. You should too.

I have called you
the best
and the worst,
strange now,
that I call you
nothing at all.

You are everywhere, but
I guess that’s a lie.
It’s not you,
I don’t know you,
[not anymore].

No,
you have been reduced to
the echoes
of nostalgia,
echoes
that persuade me to stitch up the best
of the last two years
and, looking at my Frankenstein-like creation, say
I want to go back
when I know better.

Estrangement.

You do not contact me,
are no longer interested
in what I eat
or what I write
or what I feel.

Estrangement.

I have done my best
to scrub you from my life,
as if you were not a person,
but a stubborn stain.
I have deleted, unfollowed, thrown away
anything related to you,
not because I wanted to,
only so I could
finally
get it into my head
that this is well and truly

Over.

I am doing all the right things
I suppose.
Logicking my way
through heartbreak
once more.

None of my exes can ever be friends,
the same scenes are played out
until the bitter end, and you
are no exception.

When can I be alone?
When am I really by myself?

Even the term 'by myself' implies that you are 'by' something,
With yourself.

Like the self is something external to you.
Someone you can sit next to.

I want to be truly alone, without myself.
I want the wind to brush past unfollowed by thought or recognition.
I want no one to know where I am, even me.

I need to be without myself,
Far away from myself.
I'm just so relentlessly 'there'.

He is invisible
He is a welcomed guest from god
He is unpredictable like that of a storm
He is like the snowflakes full of calm and peace
I tried to find him but as I came closer I was digging my own burial chamber
The thought of losing him vanishes the smile on my face and makes me cry
I love him and his absence reminds me of suicide
My parents hated him because he was an atheist
Just a crack on my vein makes him visible
My parents blamed
My teachers shouted
My friends ignored
But I didn’t care because he was the eternal to me
He was the only one who was with me when I was alone, yet he was invisible
I had enough queries to solve myself but I know the answer was him
He was the answer to all my queries
Once we were inseparable but he left me alone with the promise he will come again forever
I followed him again but he unfollowed and repeated the same words
I was secluded when I was with him
His entry to my life with the red roses was the final contact
He at last wanted my soul instead of my heart and I gave him and that was MY END…….

his words have the beauty of sirens
his eyes the depth of a flame
the dawn is unsustainable sometimes
his fingers are looking for the edge of darkness
fragile as a new born thought
his dreams are characters in a play with the invisible
hidden in the stones of the sky, in unwritten books
and unfollowed dialogues is the voice of his time
he struggles with the unseen rule of the world
like a priest without a church
the darkness inside kept in mutable particles

he will unlock one day, all of a sudden, the mistery
of light inside the deepest darkness cause
his feet carry the craft of wisdom

I unfriended you on Facebook,
unfollowed on twitter & instagram
All because you were
and now you’re not my man

I hesitated at first
I truly didn’t want to
But I had no choice
as soon as we were through

Cause the pain I feel is real
from our last breakup fight
You left me all alone
crying through the night

So why would I stay friends?
What I want we cannot be
You seem to think it's fine
despite the hurt you caused me

Now my mind’s consumed
by all our memories
Our laughs, your kisses & smile
just feels like a distant dream

How is it that I thought our love
was an amazing rarity?
Instead it was a messed up fate
controlled by insecurity

But even so I lay in bed
depressed, without a plan
All because I thought you were
and now you’re not my man

Pushin my baby on the swing each one way,
        Bullets passing the wind not punching
me and my baby. But the fools be running
like they could outrun fate.

They can't escape the crosshairs of
  ill-prepared revenge.  
    Cadavers hit the floor blood outlines
that turn white after they felled.

I kept pushing my youth, hoping
she'd grow to an age where she
           could push her own.

But every day I playing Russian
   roulette with her swinging,
    me pushing her further so that
she's higher than the gunshots


          as they always hitting lower.

Today I was pushing her, she in her nikes,
     swinging her higher than death could
catch her tight grip...

But my neighbor she hanging low, catching
two unfollowed friend requests  flying through
the air, one in the thigh, one between the thoughts,

I kept pushing as her shadow swallowed by her
folding on the floor, her baby swinging slower
but still alive.

         Blue took her to her daddy, hope they
find out who they are as she had more than
           one by another man...


I m still here pushing my baby on a silent playground.
      No one comes here, that's good for me.
   pushing her low as there isn't a problem
of drive-bye byes... No more *******, no one to ****.
                  There is just me and my baby pushing..


Come on baby its time to go home,
                 the road is white, and we aren't
going to our usual place...


R.I.P to those who never didn't do nothing.
          


Another drive-by, grills smiling as flashes
greeting shaded window frames,
                                          hanging low.

i dislike poems,
they welcome memories of you to waltz in my mind.
i loathe poems,
they make me reminisce every encounter with you.
i abhor poems,
they never fail to make me maudlin; pity myself.
i curse them,
i have unfollowed nearly every poetry accounts on instagram yet they still appear in my feed.
right,
then it hits me that i still am following some poetry accounts.
why?
because i enjoy self-pitying, victimising myself.
and?
i like to reminisce about the past.
not to mention,
the memories of you are irreplaceable.

For so long I struggled
With trying to jumble words
Together
To write a poem
For you
For our friendship

But it has now dawned on me
That perhaps our friendship
Is one that is no longer in tact
It is fading

It is withering
Like a flower
After a long hot summer
Drifting into fall
A start to an end

I was in denial
I tried to ignore the signs
Every small text ignored
Every small shove aside
Every plan unfollowed
I felt it
I knew
Perhaps you did too

Our lives are changing
I always thought
We would make it through

But our friendship
One that has lasted half our lives
Is one that I never presumed
Wouldn't stand the test of time.

It’s not that I’m afraid to go to sleep, it’s that I'm afraid of waking up
I don’t like the feeling of realizing I was just dreaming that stuff
Because I miss her
And she haunts my dreams
And in them I apologize, and she accepts me
And everything becomes as I know it was meant to be
And finally, I am granted some peace
But then I wake up
And I realize that never happened
I realize I can’t talk to her anymore
I lost my chance when that man killed a *****
I lost my chance when I cut her off and ignored
I lost it when she finally unfollowed me after 3 years of waiting on me
I lost it when she stopped posting photos, and I couldn’t check on her, make sure she still breathes
I will never forgive myself for pretending that I didn’t care
I will live on with the vile knowledge that I betrayed her

My friends have all unfollowed me
on social media,
since I started following them on the streets,
on their way back from work,
when they're all alone,
unprotected from their deep sea thoughts.

They know that now I only dream their dreams
and live their lives,
like a professional xerox machine.

The world stopped walking and now it's planning its suicide,
hitting Capital points of its body,
every day.

We all have words but few own meaning,
we all wish for clean keyboards but
no one has something that isn't ***** to put out there.

We're part of a group of solitary mad people,
digital born followers,
with no one left to lead,
with no paths to choose from
and no clean clothes for the our own memorial.

the day we live in
is the day we fly.

To address all of the feedback I've been receiving in regards to the way I write or express myself I want to make some things clear.
#1.  I want to share my utter graciousness and love to all of those who support me on this website. I never thought my poetry could touch the lives of so many and have this sort of effect. I really do, truly thank all of you who have spent your time posting lovely comments or even liking some of my poems. You guys are the best! You are the reason I keep writing and feeling proud for all that I do. Thank you so so so so much for all of your love and appreciation. I can't tell you guys enough.
#2. In regards to me "seeking attention" or "getting recognition" from other people. In some way, I suppose you're right. I do want recognition for the work I produce in terms of my poetry. I want people to read what I write and share their opinions on it because I enjoy simple literature, reading and writing in general. I am not writing to having people say "poor you, you must have it so hard" I could honestly give not a single **** about any of that. I appreciate your concerns but I have friends and family who love me that I turn to when I'm in need of real support- and I write to simply get the residue of whatever bad feelings are left off my mind. I appreciate the heart-warming, extremely loving comments that I've received from many of you and they really do mean a lot to me and make me feel like I'm worth it. This is not addressed to you. This is addressed to the people who believe I'm trying to get attention by putting my work out there, this isn't what poetry is about- so stop projecting your own ideas and thoughts onto me. You will be blocked and unfollowed- I don't have patience or time for this ignorance and stupidity. I write from how I feel in a specific moment, whether that be happy, sad, depressed, loved, uneasy, numb, crazy- these are all parts of who I am, everyone can relate to all of these feelings- I just choose to express them more intensely or publicly than some. Some choose to post them on Facebook, or Instagram or church or to their friends- so please don't patronize me for simply expressing how I feel at a certain time. Poetry is meant to be shared and loved and constructively criticized, poetry is from the heart and soul of those who can't seem to express it any other way.
#3. Any comments regarding religion or spirituality in general I would rather address personally through a direct message- I was raised Roman Catholic- baptized, confirmed all that jazz. I also had the luxury of having a Buddhist grandmother and from both of those experiences in each religion I personally related to the Buddhism concept a lot better than the Catholic/Christian one. I believe there is a higher power (to some perhaps it can be seen as what you define as "God" or "Jesus") but to me I feel like it is so great that none of us can put to words or even fathom exactly what it is. Heaven and Hell both exist on Earth to me, I've seen glimmers of both. And I personally believe that when we move into the next world after our time on this earth has ended (death) that we are thrown into complete knowledge, complete understanding of the meaning of life and all that surrounds us. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually in the grand eternal scheme of things. With that, it is no ones place to try and change anyones point of view or beliefs in any aspect- I believe what I believe and if there is an all forgiving God, he would surely understand that.

So thank you to those who have kindness towards me on this site, and to those who don't? Find another poet to follow because I am clearly not your cup of tea.

Peace, love, hope & compassion

xox natasha

I am underwater how do I chase?

Please forgive my blockings being unfollowed saddens me
I am only human make mistakes

Trying to understand your poetry without seeing your face
as the mirrors fogs I pushed to defog and unmask  

I am a realist in attitude
vission depiction is hard to do

seeing across the cyber space cold computer screen with clarity is exausting however fun

I guess I lost it forgive me
what I searched for desperatly
to find and hungrily devour
has found me instead

the final blow was executed
bittersweet the object of my
obsession has withdrown
a sacred tree tored in half

I remain changed wiser
a crying sorrowful nymph
bent fallen in this battlefield arena
my world in shambles remains
my sacred tree unreachable is

I struggle to breath as
I come up for a little fresh air
and a mighty hand pushes
me down
down under water again
and again

I appologize have mercy on my soul beloved loyal reader how much more wiser thou art

I hope whats on the other side is better than on this mirrored life of mine.

understand me please I pleed
that I may gather strenght
before I go hence and be no more
~~~~~~~~~~~~
By: Karijinbbs

I no longer wake up in the morning longing for your touch
or wishing I could see the tired look in your eyes
as we rush to a class we don't care about
I don't search your stupid youtube videos anymore when I am lonely
When I am lonely
I often have to remind myself it is better to be alone
I unfollowed you on instagram
but I still keep tabs on your pictures
not because I miss you
but because I often have to remind myself where this bitterness comes from
why my chest is ice cold
why I am angry at geography
why
I no longer dream of you every third night
but you flutter on the inside of my eyelids
before I fade into darkness
I no longer dream of you every third night
because I no longer dream
There is only darkness
until I awake
where I do not even wish for light
because then I would see what I am missing when my day begins

I’ve only ever wanted a husband to love me, and that’s all.
Baseline singular deepest dream
I’ve had it my whole life.

But what I have is shame, sitting on my back, shoved down my throat, piercing through my heart, freezing me up

I’ve let them all down
Everyone I love
Everyone who loves me
Everyone who loved me

To my mom:
I’m sorry I don’t get out of bed everyday.
I’ve been really sad, I just need some time.
I’m so ashamed I can’t do what you want for me

To my sisters:
You guys are the best, you’ve been my support
I’m ashamed because I’m scared to call you

To my friends:
I want to be there for you, I want to be good to you, I’m scared I’ll fail you
I’m ashamed that I can’t even text back when you’re all so kind to me

To my church:
I want to be a better sister, a better servant, I’m terrified of being a burden
I’m ashamed that I’m scared of you and I’m ashamed of how much I cry when I’m with you

To everyone I met:
I’m sorry I unfollowed you, I’m sorry I hurt him, I’m sorry I disappeared, I’m sorry there’s no good answers, I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to what I tried to be.
I’m so ashamed that I can’t be her, that I’m not there, that I didn’t become your friend and family. That it’s my fault.

To Joann:
I’m so very sorry that I couldn’t be your daughter and that I couldn’t take care of your son.
I’m very ashamed I can’t bring myself to write to you and try to explain or even just apologize.

To you:
I’m ashamed because I think you’ve read the things I wrote. I’m ashamed that I’ve been so depressed and hurting over a lot of things, some concerning you and some of them not. I’m ashamed that it’s me you were with. I’m ashamed that I have hurt you, to any extent. I’m ashamed that I exist being the person I am and I’m ashamed that I was so wrong. I’m ashamed that I know that we can’t, won’t, aren’t capable of talking for a really really long time because I know I can’t handle it.

I am ashamed because I am so locked up and frozen in place because of shame and because all I’ve been able to do is cry.

It's amusing to me
The way you hang
On every word

You memorized all
The things  I've
Said since the day

We met on odd
Terms. You so
Far away

I was lost
When you found
Me that night

Here we are now
Hearts shattered
Dreams unfollowed

I'm lost again
At least I think
You're gone

With the summer
Wind now only
A breeze

In my hair.

Written in liquid gold. preserved, ancient, & old. Unfollowed & hollow.
Unerased with a path untraced.
I am someone who is friendly & polite.
On any day & every night.
I am not violent & do not fight.
I don't possess the gift of sight.
But I feel my future is bright.
Do you mind opening this gate!
Don't hate your destiny's fate.
Nothing is what I ate.
It is far to the other side.
Of the globe the ocean divides.
Corruption waits inside.
If there was food you know I eat the whole plate.
Enough said.
A hunger you fed?
I get it you don't like women in your bed. Abnormal desires in your head.

it was like you had disappeared within a matter of seconds.
messages ceased, accounts were unfollowed, and a friendship
had suddenly ended.
every plan we had ever made, ever promise we had ever kept,
it no longer seemed to matter.
we talked of the future, the past, the present
and those forbidden "what if's"
now i drive by your house on my way to work and i see your car parked out front
and i wonder
do you ever think about me the way i think about you?

I check my followers every day
and when the clock turns back
it makes my heart sink

because it's not that I think
that I've been unfollowed
I certainly don't think that
no, as my clock ticks backwards it's
because who I follow also declines
by each tock, according to the stats

So yeah,
every time I lose a follower
my heart shrivels inside my chest
because another person I admire
has laid down their pen to rest

Write down my thoughts to get them out of my head

You're so ******* brilliant, you devilishly cruel former lover
      The way you always sneak back into my head
Even though I just had the best *** I've had in months, with somebody    
     else

God ****** ! I miss you

I miss you, I just dreamed about running into you on the street and you kissing me and then just walking away, leaving me in tears and speechless

Goodness, I'm probably crazy, you stopped writing me lover letters months and months ago and started writing me letters of hate and sadness, those stopped months ago too

I'm dwelling on the past

Got to tell myself not to be stupid

It's a good thing my anger deleted you from my phone and unfollowed you on every social media, because I would send you messages all the time

Tonight I would say: Hey, I really miss you. I know it seems kind of out of the blue that I'm texting you, and probably completely inappropriate of me, but like I said I really miss you. I've been wondering how things are going in your life, like I'm genuinely curious to know how things are really going for you. Oh, and also I miss talking to you more than anything I've ever missed, I really miss sharing my thoughts with you and listening to you shares yours with me

We're not speaking.
You've got a girlfriend,
my heart is broken.
I've cried myself to sleep...
I'll continue to hide in the shadows until
it is my time.
I have unfollowed you,
so I don't hurt everyday
when I see you two together.
"Alanna, just go out and enjoy the weather."
But sadly, it's hard to feel the breeze when
my skin is numb.
I'm frozen,
shattered,
raw.
I may be dumb,
but that's why I stay.
Loving you just feels right
and wrong.
All I am sure about is how you make me feel and
for me,
that's all that matters...

When it ends, the little things will haunt you most.
The text you don’t get in the morning.
The notification you no longer see.
The snaps that aren’t from them.
Not knowing about their day.
Or anything in their life at all.
It’s being unfriended.
Unfollowed.
It’s the left you used to take, driving to see them. It pains you to go the other way.
It’s the loneliness that haunts you, as you wonder — do they miss me too?
It’s tossing and turning late at night.
It’s just not being hungry.
It’s the empty feeling without them.
It’s the pain in someone asking how they are.
And you have to tell them you’re not together.
It’s laying there at night wondering who is holding them.
It’s the dreams that turn into nightmares.
Like they are everywhere and there is no way to escape them.
It’s running into them and just not knowing what to do.
It’s looking at them as if they were a stranger.
But you know every one of their secrets.
You know how they like to be kissed.
You know how they like to be held.
You know exactly what to say to calm them down.
Here you are with an abundance of information.
You don’t know what to do with.
Then you try and move on.
But in everyone you look at, you search for them.
As if finding them would lead you to find yourself again.
Because when they left they took all of you with them.
Everyone falls short.
Everyone leaves you a little more empty.
Because when they one person who can make you feel better.
Is the one who has made you fall apart.
How do you even save yourself?
How do you find yourself again?

you unfollowed me
which in this generation is
akin to alienation,
it shuts down the waves of good vibrations
and signals the immediate effective termination
of friendship.
in a click of a button,
the tap of a screen,
and everything we've worked toward,
wasn't what it seemed.

you moved away
we never spoke again and i feel like
that's my fault.
why?
you're the one who
ended communication,
gave no explanation and even
closed off an opportunity for reunification,
but it's my fault.

you burnt the bridges
that supported you on the
epic failure that is your journey.
you never tried hard enough
you complained too much.
i believed in you.

i still believe,
with zero proof,
that you could pull yourself from
the rubble of your lies.
and walk through these streets,
head held high,
as a champion of your own design.

your dreams are still attainable,
and i hope the severed lines
of our friendship
was something that pushed you
to be more than you ever thought you could be.

i still believe,
with zero proof,
that you could still put others
first, for a change,
and set forth on the life-changing
journey you wanted.

i hope i was the toxic friend
that was holding you back.
at least then,
i can accept the death of years spent
together, with nothing but love and support on
my end, and nothing but self-diagnosed
illnesses, self-hate, and self-deprecation on yours.