Friendzone
Teenage Purgatory
Like a mirage of an oasis
In a sweltering desert
When they're happy
It brightens the world
When they're sad
Your world erodes
When you look at them
You see utter brilliance
Magnificence
Perfectness
But when they see you
They only see one thing:
Friend

I am not required to love you.
Let's get that straight.
Neither man nor woman
Is obligated to profess
And show their undying love for you,
Just as the sun doesn't revolve around the world,
The world doesn't revolve around you.
A series of acts showing your "kindness"
Is not a contract for a relationship.
The very fact that you have to shout
How you are a "nice guy"
Shows how you aren't;
Kindness doesn't need reassurance.
To be frank,
This whole delusion
Is getting a bit out of hand
(see: the "****** Killer",
a guy so sexually frustated
He killed people
for not giving him the right to get laid).
Maybe, hear me out here guys,
it's not because girls only look for "bad guys".
Maybe we look for soulmates,
Not Good Samaritans with hidden agendas.
This may come off as a shock for some of you,
But all-around goodness isn't equal
to treating girls nicely
Only because you might have a chance.
So if your mating dance
Consists of acting like you're an angel And simultaneously complaining
About the blindness
And insolence of women,
It's high time you should stop.
Put down the fedora while you're at it.
It's become a symbol for gentlemen for you,
But now it's a warning sign for us: "Beware the self-entitling guy!"
Honestly, we cringe every single time.
And darling,
Nice guys always finish last
because they whine
Instead of running.

I guess I used the wrong words when I talked to the stars,
I wished to never lose you and it sort of worked.
I should´ve been more specific,
cause I wanted us to be bonded by love.
You are not away,
but you are not here yet.

We lied there on the grass
Thinking about life
How it went so well
With or without strife

We shared the same thoughts
We were inseparable
All of our years
Our fun, always on a double

Then you sat up
Looked me in the eyes
Smiling so sweetly
I can't break the ice

I smiled back and hoped
That this wouldn't end
But then you spoke up
"I'm glad that you're my best friend"

I know not
Whether I'm in love with you
Or in love with our friendship.
For you,
Are the boy who's been inhabiting my mind lately
But I must admit,
You're not the first to reside there
But I can say,
That I would not mind
If you were the last
Though I fear,
Your departure is inevitable.
But if you could remain,
I would not take it in vain.
For you're the only one
Keeping me sane.

I remember our first kiss
It was an accident & you
wouldn't stop apologizing
because you had one past
too many to drink

     You were broken like a
     shattered glass bowl filled
     with your favorite kind of
     cereal & way too much milk
          As it fell to the floor, your
          heart dropped just as fast,
          immediately realizing that
          this couldn't be undone
     You'd have to clean up all
     of the glass & soggy bits of
     sugary flakes from the floor
     all by yourself with no help
          You cursed to yourself through
          clenched teeth & a closed jaw,
          tears daring to escape your eyes
          like the milk pouring & dripping
          over the sides of the broken bowl
                    You swore off cereal all together
                    because the agony of possibly
                    breaking another bowl had
                    your head & heart in a whirl
                    of confusion & annoyance
               Slowly as you began to pick the
               broken pieces of glass from the floor,
               piece after piece being thrown away,
               this task you found a chore
               becomes more of a necessity
               that you didn't realize until
               the big mess was already created
          Wiping up the chunks of sugar
          & tossing them in the trash,
          a small smile curls at the
          corners of your mouth
     Pain runs through your veins,
     but relief washes over your core
     as you realize the worst is over

The kiss that I remember
was not of regret, but beauty
I'm on this sugar high &
I'm not sure I can come down

     But you don't want cereal anymore
           so I'll eat this bowl alone

You have the prettiest eyes and I'm sorry I made them cry
You always tell me about the story of your childhood,
why you have crooked teeth,
but for me I saw how beautiful that smile was
and I'm sorry if I'm the reason why it fade and turn into frown.

I know you don't like your body but it doesn't matter to me
I saw how beautiful you are when you talk about your passion, your dreams and your goals
I'm sorry if you feel bad about yourself again
You have the biggest heart, it's pure and fragile

And I know it would be an understatement to say sorry for breaking it

As some people are better off as friends before turning into lovers.

Help me understand what I mean to you...
Help me clarify that I am something, cause im tired too..
Tired of the games and blues, filled with exhaustion from my heart buying in to your lies soo much its costin me,happiness...
I wanna know for sure!'show me an exact image! of reason, why be with him, if I known you longer than you been breathin?
All this teasin is misleading, do you want me? tell me! dont leave me hangin..
Im madden and sadden by the though he has your lips, what happens to me  if it last long, and  I just come around like a bad caugh.
I've lost...
What we had is old news, but i guess time shared holds no meaning in helping you choose.
Don't come to me if your confused, i refuse to help you and your trouble, for now on do you...
Cause i been doin me, never had a problem I couldn't solved em easily with alil alcohol and **** cause you cared less about me and more about him..
I was a friend the best there was, the best there is, the best there ever will be, one you'll probably will not miss.
Or even noticed, if I disappeared, Im just a ghost, a shadowed memory,  still wanna be wanted but its hopeless...truly hopeless, why I wrote this? It won't change a **** thing about her, why Am  I still hopin? Why I care? Why I dare to even mention your name know you wont come to my aid, your never there...
Always with another or him, not knowing who you want, i was wish i was in your option, I can do much more, but never gained a chance to prove, and you wonder why I feel summertime  blues....
Im the best, One you'll never loose..
Ima alot of things but theres a side I never get to show, a side you will love, but you always say no, not givin me a chance as if I was bronze not worth your Gold,
but listen baby im silver, way out there but a good catch, ima outfielder,
something you can be near uhh never shed a tear soo why you always out me?
Always doubt me, never wanna like me, knowing im the right piece,
always misplace me baby, i can clean up mess like a wipee, 
whipe your tears on my white T,
i wanna be your  lycan whose fightin for what he likes see? but I feel there's no time for me...so again  why am I writing????
I am just helpless, a romantic put on the shelf like an old novel,
these say stomach the pain, but I put these dead butterflies in a bottle...
alone in my household, holding close what I call ghost hopes...Dead long ago, now it just cold like the snow, could build a snow man, But I just say no,
Why bother like Stone Sour...it will never happen, I blacken with thoughts, cryin in shower.
Stressin myself because my heart feels like its in a cyclical orbit,
of doubt and hopes, a limbo that continues to lower my esteem
and stings with pain like hornets..

BY: Emmanuel Jv Hernandez
5/23/14
(might add and edit later depending if i doesnt flow the way i want or needs more insight to get across what im feeling)


comment what you think!!!!!

So what?

She'd rather not dance the night away?

You're asking for less time than it took for the last guy to run away with her faith

So give her some space

Let love find it's own way

take that energy and find someone who will handle with care

Cause you're fragile too

This whole relationship isn't your average pack up job, you can't put fragile with fragile and just shut the box

Call me what you will, but I don't care for superficial friendships with people who want way too much more

So take what you will, because she wants to want you this isn't something you can conjure from thin air

Trust me if there was a potion she would drink it

She want's to want you, and when it comes to this It's seriously 50-50 on who hurts the most don't pretend it isn't

So realize what you're doing and curb your frustration

She's having the same sensation

So next time you want to play pity me and say you lost an opportunity

Think about what you're saying

She's lost something far worse

Think of what you could be for her if you stayed as less than you thought you paid for

Isn't that the kind of person YOU would fall in love with?

-
She said she had a lot of baggage
Running from things she's been avoiding
Since a young age
I told her we were in the same boat
I'm also trying to stay afloat
-
Few days later I was her favourite
Late night calls and early texts
Those park dates were best
Surrounded by a crowd but it feel like
It was just the two of us
We would bearly notice the rest
-
I said with you I don't feel alone
And that my feelings for came like a cyclone
Maybe I came in too strong
But I felt weak after she said
I feel like that too
But we should keep it in the friendzone
-
Lowkie ®

Do make it clear if breakfast is included. If not, make a disclaimer: "I am in the belief that you coming over is good. But that somehow this twisted world resulted in someone twisted as me. Who although enjoys the company of someone like you at this hour, cannot accommodate you past sleep. That you can choose to either leave before I doze off, or that in the morning you will readily accept if I can only open the door out for you. You can make yourself coffee. But know that I am wary of being with awake people while I am asleep, as I think you can easily understand."

There are two types of people in the world: the foodies and the cranky ones. I do not intend to be the latter.

Do make sure you expect only as your place can allow. You cannot hope for me to clean up the eye makeup that heavy drinking had caused to drip down my face when what you have is but a cracked mirror and a broken sink. I cannot fix myself up amid your chaos. I would have to look the part. Act the part. Smell the part. You either want me to receive you messy or put you back up. And I know there aren't too many choices, but still. You gotta make one.

Do say only words that you will not choose to forget the next day. Do not make promises of more future promises. Do not paint images of love, kindness, and honesty when we both know our story will only last as long as this night. This is not a contest on who'll be more unforgettable. We both know why we're here in the first place. We both remember too much.

Do consider the possibility that a sleepover may include only sleeping beside each other, but that it does not mean "nothing happened." A conversation can **** me up just as much, perhaps even more, than the real thing. You cannot share to me a universe that you expect me to pretend not knowing the next morning. You cannot accuse me of meddling when you've told me a story of how umbrellas scare the crap out of you and so every time it rains, I remember you. And so every time it rains, I text you, "Where are you?" not in the possessive way others do, but simply to make sure you are somewhere dry and not dying.

Do smile at me the next time I see you, even if we both know we've tried to avoid each other. I, only because I felt you were trying to avoid me first. Even if bitterness starts welling up, please do not look away. You perhaps may have been a mistake, and I may have been yours as well, but we've never been followers of others' ideas of what constitute a tragedy. My love, our love may to them look ugly, but we've agreed their beautiful ***** anyway. Every time they tell me you like a pretty thing, I always think you are being sarcastic. And that only I could see your sardonic point.

[Beer break]

At heto naman ang mga bagay na sana'y 'di mo gawin.

Kung ipagpipilitan mo ang kwarto mo, sana'y siguraduhin mo na mas malinis ito kaysa sa akin. Na 'di ka nakatira sa bahay ng mga magulang mo (dahil maingay ako at matatanda na tayo) o wala kang ibang kasama (sa parehong kadahilanan). Kung tatluhan ang hanap mo't 'di mo naman nakayang sabihin na may ibang babae na pala sa'yong kama ay mas mainam pang makipaglimahan ka na lamang gamit ang iyong mga daliri, mahal.

Wag mo ipagsabayan ang pagkain at ako. Alak at ako, pwede. Ngunit kung ikaw yung tipo na pinagsasabayan ang sarap ng dila't kalamnan, bibigyan kita ng ibang numerong tatawagan. Tayo'y Pilipino't kapag pagkain ang mapag-usapan, kasali ang tuyo, bagoong, balut, at itlog na maalat, mahal ko, seryoso ka bang maihahalo mo ang mga isip-isip na'to sa klase ng almusal na binabalak mo? Je ne suis pas Francais. My kisses will not make you think of food.

Wag mo akong ikalia. 'Di ko ikakahiya anong oras man akong lumabas mula sa'yong tahanan, basta lamang 'wag kang sumalungat kung ang tanging bukambibig ay galing ako sa kanya. Kung ako'y matingnan at mapansin ang biyak-biyak kong puso ngunit bakit nga ba 'di magawang mapalitan, kapag ba'y sinabi kong ito'y dahil sa'yo sana'y 'wag itatwa't angkinin **** minsan kasi'y nabanggit mo na ako . . .

Kaya't kaibigan, 'wag naman masyadong pikon 'pag ika'y na-friendzone, kinakausap ka pa rin naman, diba? 'Wag mo sabihing tunay ngang mas nana-isin mo ang trahedyang dulot ng malisyang 'di nabantayan. 'Wag mo sanang isipin na ang bawat pagpakita ko ng kahinaan ay pagtatawag na bigyang ligaya ang katawan kung masid mo namang lungkot ang siyang nakapaglapit sa'ting dalawa. Walang paghihiwalay sa pagkakaibigan, at kung sasabihin **** wala na tayo'y ipagkakalat ko na minsan nga'y naging tayo, pumili ka.

At ang huli'y sana 'wag **** ipamimigay agad-agad ang sarili mo sa sinuman matapos sa'kin. Madali kang mahalin. Mabilis kang matutunang unawain. 'Di naman sa kita'y ina-angkin. Ang sa'kin lang ay sana'y 'wag **** pagsabayin ang lahat-lahat . . . ng dinarama. Hindi lahat handa na ika'y mahalin ng buong-buo, lalo pa't 'di isa-isa. Tuloy nagmimistulang halimaw sa ilalim ng katre, kahit sa katotohanan nama'y kapareho lang na minsan di'y naging musmos, kapwa walang alam, kapwa nangangapa, kapwa takot, ngunit patuloy pa ring sumusubok.

https://soundcloud.com/lanox-alfaro/the-dos-and-donts-of-1

The friend zone has two sides:
On one, the poor soul is trapped
Hopelessly longing for one who turns a blind cheek.
You sympathize with them,
because they suffer for having emotions.
They cannot be asked to stifle their passion.
Yet here in this pit, all emotions are paralyzed,
Who could be so vile as to banish someone to this place?

The other side is much different.
Not many strong emotions.
But there certainly isn't happiness, or even peace.
The overwhelming feelings are pity, solemn, and overwhelming power.
This vile person has so much power over the poor soul.
But did they ask for that power?
Did they even want that power?
No, they want to be equal, not above.

Fully aware of the pain they have caused, they are sorry.
To all of you.  Not just the people they have personally caused pain,
But to all of you who have fallen for someone like them and was burned,
It is unintended, and is painful for them too.
They feel evil and wrong, but have their own obsession.  
They love their partner as much as you think you love them.  
And they want nothing more than for all of you to find the person who is really meant for you.

Like I have.

You won't be happy with me.
Because I won't be happy with you.
But someone will.  
And while you're wasting your time over me,
the person meant for you is waiting for you, longing for the hole in their own heart to be filled.

Don't continue to suffer, and don't keep them waiting.
I feel responsible for your scars. But only they can heal them for you.

by Arcassin Burnham




she was 5'2,
black hair,
long nails,
prettiest personality,
hair flowing through the wind whispfully,
all round person as you can see,
but me,
i wasn't very talkable,
and even my darkest hour,
i wouldn't hold her accountable,
i swear feels like eachday would last til an eternity,
so grateful when i saw her,
and she noticed me,
wasn't in the best of moods,
she saw tthem in my body language,
picking out different girls to make me happy later,
i was astonished,
every night in her room talking about different things,
like the wedding dresses and the wedding rings,
not knowing i would do anything to make her say,
i love you and i do,
hoping the feelings change,
just know that i love you too,
going to the mall picking things out to make her smile,
since her last boyfriend haven't seen that in awhile,
thinking about the features,
if we had a child...

I feel you
I understand you
I like you
but I still don't want
to be with you

“I'm a mess”, he said, eyes so hollow
that I barely recognize him at all. “I'm the most pathetic human, aren't I?”

I wanted to say, no, you're not.
You've got the most alluring soul
that most angels would walk on earth
only to see you.

No, you're not a shack of mess,
for your heart is built of beautiful memories
and delicate love, for your smile
is worth to go war for, for your heart
is all I want to protect for.

I wanted to say—

“C'mon, don't be too sad,” I said while
elbowing his shoulder. “You're cool,
you know that?”

When he kept quiet, I continued,
“Well, she's not the only person
on earth after all.”

Take me with you,
Through the classroom windows from where i flew,
In the garden where memories grew,
To the childhood where all the wounds were new
Over the horizons which I once knew,
To the mountains which I once drew,
Crack wide open my world in two,
Take me with you,
Take me anywhere,
Closer to you or away from myself
Take a box full of spray paints and spray paint over the walls confining me,
Paint a star, the sun and the moon and you,
Paint a rainbow,
Paint me red, green and yellow
Paint the sky, blue and grey
Paint the clouds, infinite and immaculate
Paint a tree, alive and withered
And a seesaw just to keep reminding me that we cannot rise together
**** me in the friend zone

I get distracted by little things
It looks like I’m hunting love
I know I want Love
But then I get distracted by simple momentary things
I know who I am supposed to ask out on a date
But, seems easier to ask someone else
Because I’m too scared to fall for that person
And get “we’re just friends” as a response.
“Hey I love you why you telling me your dramas about the guys you like but end up lying and hurting you?”
I think
But I never say
I just listen
“Don’t be fooled” I say
“I won’t” she says
Weeks later she telling me the same old stories
“Try me”
I think
But I never say
“What if she is telling me to ask her to be mine? What is she thinking?”
I think to myself
Gosh, I wish I wasn’t too scared to lose you as a friend
I wish you knew I mean it when I say I missed you every time I see you after two, four or eight months
I wish you were mine
Just mine
I fantasize about the things we could be doing if we were together
Then I remember what we had
Were we too fast?
Was it a perfect thing on a bad time?
I don’t know, but
I loved every little moment
I told her she’s one of the best things that ever happened in my life
I meant it
When did we **** this up?
When did we become just friends?
Am I in love?
How can I win her back?

(to be continued)

I've never told you,
But I've loved you for years.
I know you don't feel the same,
But I always hoped that somehow
You would fall in love with me too.

I never minded waiting
Just being around you was enough,
But these days, you've become so distant
I wonder if you even care at all.
Even when I was drowning in my own darkness,
I answered your calls and listened to every problem you had.
And then, when I needed someone, I reached out to you,
But you ignored every single plea for help.

Now, my heart is slowly dying
And I don't know how to stop it or who to tell.
With its final fading beats it clings to my love for you,
But even that is slowly fading.
And somehow, I feel it's all my fault.

Spent all my money on comfy camo clothes
Diors and Docs
and none of them have pockets
for you

would’ve spent it trying to get to you, get me out the friendzone
but i’m good, the gleam
of spring rain incites the wetness
and half drear to outshine

but i’m doing me and making each day
mine

Does your boyfriend do all these thing that I do for you?
Treat you the way I treat you ?"
It was clear why he was asking,
Everyone wants to look better than their opponent.

Then a moment of silence slipped in,
And a flash back of nothing swept by...
Those were all the memories I had with my boyfriend.

"He probably will also change when he has me,
right now he just wants to be the better man"...
I told myself.

"Of course!
He treats me well...
He even does more than I could ever ask for"... I lie.

If he had paid more attention,
He could have spotted my hesitation.
If he had paid more attention,
He could have known I needed a hug.

He could have notice the cry for help
Behind my smile.
That I wanted him to try harder.
I wanted him to convince me...
So I could know i was worth a fight.

But sadly he backed down,
Turn his back away,
And has never looked.
And I can't run after him.
All am left with is the promise I made to my lover.
And the thought of "what could have been"

i love you
but were not
you always make
my rib cage shake
im dying
i want to tell you how much
i do, but you are giving
me a reason not to
if i tell you how much i love you,
will you still stay till its thru?

Oh please

Set me free

If you

Don't need me

And

Stop that nonsense

Don't

Friendzone me

Friendzone"

A very perplexed area,
A prison for plitonic love
Where you long for chance to
Escape.

A tighten belt for one's wishes,
A room of much pretending ,
A stoical relationship for two
In search for the best way to
Offer the on heart matters.

A zone of jealousy and resentment,
Chewing over both kind of outcomes,
A loose or win region,
A zone to be eluded by the witty ones only.

It's ugly
Right?
That's what they've always told me
And I should be grateful
To even have someone
Who wants to hit on me
But I want to be alone
In a romantic way
I like you as a friend but
I'd rather stay away
From the complications
Of relationshipping
And you make me laugh
And you're pretty cute
But I don't like you
So I'll call you
Dude and man
And give you subtle hints that
Men aren't my cup of tea
Because as lovely as you are
And straight as you can be
Darling I'm not into you
That's just how it is
I'm homoflexible
And asexual at best
It's the game I play
And you aren't my
Exception

I keep pacing through my mind
I keep thinking of what we could be
I wonder who I could find
What will I see?

Oh great, all I found are feelings
Just another thing to ruin my nights
Take me away, give me wings
And then make me lose these fights.

No one sees my face behind closed doors
They’re focused on their chances
But to me; they’re simple little ******
Doing their girly, fake little prances

That pretty much describes my life
Just a jar of broken dreams
My happiness hit with a knife
Stuck in one big friendzone, it seems

Try to pick up a girl,
I get called a pervert.
She's ******* dressed,
I mean, just look at her.

Say she looks beautiful,
compliment her hair.
She says I'm thirsty,
so she "curves" me,
I'm out of here.

They think we're pigs,
because we try to show we love her.
All they want is Efron,
Tatum, Franco, Lautner.

They live in fantasy,
separate from you and me.
What are they waiting for?
Your prince isn't coming girl!

They're crazy.

I try to be the nice guy,
instead I'm told to go home.
Next time I see her,
she's put me in the Friendzone.

She likes an *******,
tells me I'm a ****.
But isn't he,
the same as me,
nothing I say works.

They get jealous,
'cause we talk to other girls.
I'm in her Friendzone though,
why does it concern her?

They live in fantasy,
separate from you and me.
What are they waiting for?
Your prince isn't coming girl!

They're just delusional!

I heard icebergs only show a tenth on the surface, and that, is one hell of a surface, makes titanic hearts like mine sink too easily.

I’m sure if i searched your eyes I’d find my daydreams, I’m sure between your lips will be a good place to hide my nightmares and kissing you will be the safest thing I have ever done.

Between your leopard print skin and zebra stripped life, lies everything perfect about imperfections.

I understand that a womans thoughts are hard to read, I heard once that they are written in braille. If love is truly blind, then reading your mind should come easy.

If you would let me, I want to be the answer to the questions you were too afraid to ask. I want my heartbeat to be your favourite bedtime story and you would fall asleep on my chest every night.

And if you won’t, then at least let me be a home to your gorgeous, an ocean to your iceberg, I’ve lived long enough to learn that there’s enough space in a friendzone for two.

Have you ever gone surfing with someone that makes your Heart beat
fast-slow-fast at the same time?
High and free as the wind,
The refreshin' cold one caressing your wet skin.

Hand in hand on one board--
Two hearts slowly melting into one
As they ride unbroken wild waves
To an unknown destination.

Somewhere in the middle of the blue sea,
The last unicorn left.
She left you with half of her heart
A heart barely strong enough to beat

Flowing along with the voice of the ocean
A loud voice whispering no one,
No one can survive here,
Not Alone, Not ever
Not without a pen and a notepad.

Friend zone hardships,
never seeing through the eyes
that gaze with admiration
that you where always there.


                But never in the place
                                      intended.

A side line referee, holding hands
             but giving red cards to those
             who foul up her heart with tears.


Lovers will *** and go, but a friendship
                     of mutual feelings that's never going
                                                              to be  strained.

As this is one place they'll stay, for love is endless.
                              When the friendzone is sat upon,
                                           its just a different respect.

Never wavering over time,
                     you'll always have one another's back,  
                     no matter the others pain your always friends.

It has been almost 7 years since
We first spoke,
And your *** and coke has loosened your tongue.
"It is not your fault that I'm
in love with you,"
you said,
"I'm just an idiot, for letting it go
so far."
Like when, at 3am, you phoned from across the ocean,
Because you felt that something was wrong,
And the pills stacked up on my desk stayed there,
Useless.

I'm sure that that was careless of you, too.

If I had known I would have curbed it,
Because I know that
unrequited love feels like a
punch to the gut,
And you've saved me enough times that
I owe you in return.
But, as confessions pour from your alcoholic lips,
I freeze.

I'm not sure what comfort I can be, when
The word 'friendzone' has
left your mouth so often
That I sometimes think
you're the
enemy.
Now we are here,
And I keep expecting your finger
To send the blame my way.

Please don't be that guy



(I wouldn't be alive without you.)

I have been hard-pressed for words
An adverb modifiying a verb
So I threw in a
Hyphen
For good measure
In bad taste

Work was hard
And my bones ached
They said
"Come to dinner with us down off the highway"
Seems fine to me






Wait
Stop
Pause
Hold on a minute-
Tick Tick Tick Tick

"Where did y'all say we were goin'?"

"Deenos"

All could think was **** **** ****
I know you work on Saturday nights
I looked down at my watch

And I knew right then
Tock Tock Tock
I would be seeing you again

The car ride seemed gigantic
All tires wheels highway
Saftey glass peppered the cross lights
From an accident the other day

Broken bottles poking in the grass
Dirt road and trees
I was looking but not seeing all of that

The parking was almost empty
...if it had not been for your car
I remember when I replaced the radiator in that thing
I remember how it had'nt felt like work
Fixing your car under a blazing sun

But you just hugged me and said thank you
Well at least I got the hug

Its been a little bit since then
I rember as I washed the grease from my hands
I wanted to wash off your hug

Touchdown
You put me in the Friendzone
You would probably laugh at me
For thinking I was the only one

I rember how I followed the boys into Deenos
I felt like a zombie
A prisioner led to the block

and just
My
******* luck
you look up
and smile the biggest smile I have ever seen

You seemed to talk so fast
I tried to keep up
Listening intently for single syllable words
My mind might comprehend
And your soft gentle palms
And a desk fan
blowing a strand of your hair
I felt like I was at the fair
Riding the FIREBALL
You talked in your embarrassed voice
And your soft pink lips
Smiled a song right through me

So we sit down
Eat
Well I pretended to eat
Whenever I wasn't trying to chance a peak at you

The guys were getting drunk
Because your uncle Oscar came out and was giving us
free beers
soon he locked the door
and pulled out a deck of cards
I pretended to play
When I wasn't busy, looking at you
And uncle Oscar brought out clear Russian
Liquor and in between jokes and shots
I pretended not to notice you
Being beautiful as you counted down the till

I had to pretend to ****
It was just an excuse to talk to you
"Hey, I'm about to have my break in a minute meet me outside"
I walked to the bathroom
Staring at myself in mirror
My heart tick tocks tick tocks
Shaking my head at this stupid shirt



Outside you were sitting cross-legged leaning your back against the wall
Nursing a coffin nail
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to tell you
I wanted to write some story
Where me and you talk all night


Sitting only a subtle reach away
I sat and smoked and watched you talk
Under the 75watt lamp

You were my first boyfriend.
I was smitten over someone liking me.
I didn’t even care that I was your rebound.
You compared me to the blonde character in an anime because you wanted me to be perfect.
You treated me badly and broke up with me for other girls
who seemed better than I.
Then, you’d come back to me,
because no one but me had low enough self-esteem to date you.
Sure, they didn’t know the real you; like I did.
They knew the goofy nerd who was in the friendzone.
Finally, I left because I knew I deserved better.
You cried.
Lonesomeness,
is not fun after you’ve been next to someone after two years.
What could you do?
Pitiful, shameful, *** with your ex.
I always regretted it.
Whether it was right when you came over
or right after
or when you left.
One time you said that I “didn’t last long”
because when I regretted it halfway through I told you to stop.
A year goes by.
I pay a visit to your house.
I mostly miss your mom;
ya’ll were my second family.
I had nothing to do before making an hour drive to my niece’s for babysitting.
I dropped in.
I stopped by.
One of my biggest mistakes of my life on that February afternoon.
I watched TV with your mom.
You were sleeping.
She made food so I went to wake you.
We went downstairs and ate.
I asked if you wanted to come outside while I smoked.
You did.
I told you about someone I was seeing,
about how they enjoyed the way I gave head.
Big deal.
To you
because
you said that my head “*****”
I should “prove it” to you that I was good at it.
I refused because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
especially you.    
Flash forward to your room.
Here’s the part where you can blame me if you’d like.
for going to your room.
How was I supposed to know what you wanted to take from me?
A friendly tickle fight turned into you on top of me.
Force kissing me.
I pushed you off.
Gravity was against me.
When you finally rose
I said “What the **** is wrong with you?”
Why were you doing this to me...?
Without skipping a beat.
I got my answer
that’d replay in my mind
forever.
“You can’t turn me on without turning me off.”
Shock.
Complete Shock.
You wanted my body
and according to you
I was only there for your pleasure.
That’s all I was.
An object for your enjoyment.
I immediately left your room.
You tried to stop me,
you tried to say sorry,
but the damage was done.
You marked yourself.
I had to pretend
in front of your mom
that nothing happened
until I left.
I cried many times that day.
Tears behind my eyes while watching TV right after with her
counting the minutes until I was supposed to leave.
Wailing on my way to my brother’s
Thoughts that it was my fault
that I caused it
while my niece slept peacefully.
And more tears when I told my mom
and even more when she told me to stay quiet
because your mom was already going through a lot.

I was objectified
disrespected
and silenced that day
in February before Valentine’s Day
2016.

How the **** did you get out of the fanzone so quickly....
That doesn't happen...
You like skipped the friendzone so quick...
God...
Come here you,
Get back to bed...