It's been awhile since I've visited here... a lot has happened.

It's not supposed to hurt this way...

You're a Friday night
You're a Sunday drive
You're the parts of life we can't compromise..

You've got a heart of stone,
You've got a promise of gold
You're the only one able to steal my soul..

What have we got in our favour?
The more I think, the more the list of flaws grows....

Age, eighteen.... Thirty.....
That's an alarm bell in itself.
But if I say I'm twenty one, and you say you're twenty six... We can get away with that.

Pasts...
You've done so much, you've travelled and seen the world, you're living your dream. What am I? Some girl from a small town, still living with her parents. That little girl saw opportunity and grasped it in both hands. You like that about her. About me. But you still know I need to live, before I can even dream of loving you right.

Timing.....
That night, our first kiss...
You told me 'our timing is awful.' And honestly it's not the first time I've heard that... And we've moved past that first kiss. Way past it. But you and I both know the score. Because you've got to pretend to love her, and I've got to pretend it doesn't hurt me so **** much that I feel like ripping my own throat out......
But that's life.
'Good things come to those who wait' and whatever other cliche saying exists...

But you know what bothers me most, the biggest flaw in all this. We are in love. But we really really can't be. It's forbidden, but oh so intoxicating.
A beautiful mess.
That we can only clean up in the distant future......
So for now our broken hearts can lay scattered on the floor.

Until we meet again... My 'friend'

Screaming thunder
Trembling hearts
The storm is raging
I'm falling apart.
Dream filled kisses
Apartment doors
Smell of your body
Seeps through my floor.
Decay. Decay. Decay.
I wish we could.
For that sweet poison
Forever will burn
Candles wait, extinguishing
Slowly.  Patiently.
We are burning out.
And I'm dreaming of you..
Too much.

Dear fifteen year old self,
I know you have never met me.
And you never will, for I took over...
Grew from your essence.
But I just wanted to let you know a few things.
See that face of yours? The one you cry in front of in the mirror? You're beautiful. You're changing from a cute awkward little kid into a strong wonderful, inspiringly beautiful woman. Trust nature. Wipe your tears, and believe that it's okay. You're 15. Relax. You're pretty. Those big brown eyes will get you anything you wish for. Trust me. I know.

Next, see that boy? The cute one who knows how to talk a little bit too smoothly... Who's a little bit too cheeky.... There's no point in me telling you to stay away because we both know that doesn't work. We are the same person after all... Just be careful...... And whatever you do, DO NOT sleep with him. You're too young. You're gonna have your first kiss, and he's gonna make you feel like you're flying and falling and being caught all at the one time.... But you're not. You're going to kiss people 1000 times better than that, you'll realise it was sloppy and kind of a waste of eight months.
But the heartbreak. When he leaves you for your best friend.. When you're left without anyone beside you. That will honestly almost **** you. But you'll be okay. The fact that you feel this way makes you become the strong beautiful woman you are today. You can get through it, all of it, even the **** that's not about the guy. The **** that is going on inside your head, inside your home.... You'll survive. And you'll write.

One last thing, I'm sure I'm missing a few things, maybe I'll realise them when I'm a little bit older...... But that musical talent you've got, it's there.... It's in your ears... And possibly your voice. That's a grey area at the moment. You're going to find your way. And musicians should come with warning signs..... danger sheer drop ahead like at the end of the road in a cartoon where the path turns into a cliff....... Because you'll fall, when you're around my age. And they are very good pretenders. Be careful sweetheart.

It's never too late.
You're growing up so beautifully.
Be proud.
And try not to be too sad........

Love,
18 year old you...

I don't know much.
I know I can feel something
In my very core
It shakes me
Haunts me
I'm terrified
I think it might be love