the war of egos
bruised and blue
the shooting of arrows
straight and true
do not run me for a loop, deploy me like troops
i understand the situation and i command your strength
i understand my situation so i summon my faith

is my wish what i really want?
are your kisses really that soft or are my memories unreliable
all this time i was unviable but now the tides changed
if the overcast can fade then so can the return of the grey
my impressionable mind molded by stoic time
the inescapable vines consume my innate drive

aroused from my slumber
through nightmares of your tongue
the potential it holds
sprout in my fruitful mind
the scariest ones
worsen in truth with time
espoused to another healing trajectory
peace and serenity
understanding my powers of empathy
treat you with delicacy
persist like evergreen
trout swimming in the confines of my oceanic surmise

love to see your smile but only when it’s coated by my love
hate to see you violent but my love will calm the rough
jokes that make you giggle until you forgot how grave it was
to be a passing ship in a sea of storms
this was happenstance, yet we cannot ignore
the embers that burn, the tables we turn
the shells we found on our own

IGNITE THE HEART OF THE FOREST FIRE
DO NOT COMPLAIN WHEN LACED W ASH
DESTROY THE CONFIDENCE OF THE PRINCE
EXPECT THE DRAGON’S FLAME TO BE RASH
UNLOCK THE B*TCH TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH
DO NOT DISRESPECT ME AGAIN

cold drinks in the warm breeze
seeing the burning of evergreens
i used to know where to roam
but you always roam without a home
who am i without the soil i’ve known?
cannot grow in these conditions but sometimes comfort zones act as limits

my tears clearer than the ocean
yet my emotions rival the waves
i wish my happiness didn’t fade like the sun at the end of the day
but growth is what i wished for and i accepted whichever way
didn’t understand the toll it would take
i kiss my peers as i waste away, i love you all i wish i could say
under my drunken spell i forgive my ways
all the days i rot away, my insecurity remains the same
fill me with venom, treacherous rain
there is only so much my frame can take

I’ll enjoy the sunset while you’re gone
I’ll enjoy my evenings humming alone
I’ll cherish the buzzing bees and the butterflies in my lawn
I don’t need to yearn
I don’t need to worry
I am in stasis not determined
I am freedom not burden
so I write the song that we sing along
I’ll enjoy your company when you come
I’ll cherish every fingerprint that you left on my heart
I don’t need to strive
I don’t need to worry
I am in stasis not determined

Like a drawer with a false bottom
i don’t meet expectations
invitation to my secret oasis
understand my strange basics

like a flower with no petals
i dont meet expectations
conversation to kissing faces
under the covers of my new favourite

the smell of smoke stings
memories of what could’ve been
catching fire but the spark lost in the wind
in my journal i wrote many things
Not much spoken
But we watch the water from the bridge
Not to address or dispute
we are too avoidant to provide proof
Far too broken

callously cradling curious kids
hounds make the sounds to scare the men
hurricanes in my periphery
violent wash, electricity
buying unobtainable zen

coals of the days
warm summer paved
deprived still we try
to go our own way

flowers in the trash
wilted and rash
deprived still we try
to let the car crash

ego a mess
cannot make amends
making me feel like the excluded kid

i still paint with the shades of you
aquamarine to midnight blue
i still taint myself to get close to you
confident to unsure, untrue

lock my lips, seal my secret
sketching my emotions in my notebook margins
far then, far now, my head i bow down
a tear slips from my face, splashing disgrace
scarred then, scarred now, my tears stream down

took 3 years for our orbit to weave
such serendipity then you quickly leave
took too long me for to finally see
such negligence, green to brown leaves

took every ounce of me to not bottle it away
such strength it took to continue the day
took too long for me to finally be ok
dangerous, nefarious, warped awareness
welcome back to the grey

You did it again
I forgave and repented
But after you did it again
I am feeling resentment
you do not care, hands in my hair
you never share your words, i care
i care to listen
i care to hear
i care to know all your fears
i care and i hate it
i care, i think its fated
do i stay while you run me over or get out of your way?
do i stay in the flames another day?
burn my ego?
burn any grace

grandfather clocks and long talks about home
boring thoughts clogging the dome
under the bell jar everything is magnified
my emotions become personified
you are my anger, you are my sadness
i scream from behind the glass
you are my danger, you are my weakness
i wish it was that simple of a reason

pour me slowly over ice
hot hands and tender thighs
understanding and rebranding
time is taxing for your love i’m famished
refresh me as you undress me
it is only right
caress me as you undress me
take your time
undress me, slip into my mind

bashful, ash blonde hair
unnatural how much he cared
burnt like a cigarette
slurs always hurled at him
unassuming he still cared
joyful, knew it wasn’t fair
try again like a spare
to be cut like a pear
misunderstood, too aware

stomach aches, illness
heartbreaking stillness
craving a remedy but avoiding the potent
heal in increments, cry in instalments

stomach aches, imperfect
only 3-4 days i am working
other than that, diving as deep as the ocean
explore my brain, ruffle my feathers
distill my vain, sew the pieces together

tripping over my words
cannot express the tidal wave
wait for it to dissipate
wait for goodness sake
dripping over lack of words
my world dries up like dirt
waiting to get off the bench
craving to be quenched
needing to be heard

singing notes gives me ropes to escape this pit
lingering shame, my mind is a river,  i am trying to sit
with the goodness like the badness
sunset, deep breath, seasonal sadness

screaming words to birds because nobody understands me
throwing rocks into the river praying for someone to establish me
learning to be okay with average
embracing the rainy days, days of madness
sunset, deep breath, seasonal sadness

just molted
new body still sensitive
your fingers brushed through my hair
my perspective is questioning
birds eye view to warped perception
confidence then second guessing
snow angels in the backyard
tears in the diary
smoke joints in the backyard
fears feel so fiery
your fingers traced my cracked heart
my fingers drew you and your scars
i just molted
new heart still sensitive

sparkling shattered citrine
bleeding out of a broken promise
wondering why he did me like a piece of garbage
cast away, ran away
wondering why i hold myself hostage
past erased, ran away
bleeding out of a potent promise

you said things that shook me
you said things that hooked me
still i am left with my loneliness
confusion is haunting, confusion is taunting
praying you once again hold this
you did things that stuck with me
words spoken still rattle inside
i rewrite, i relive every line
i feel fine until daylight strikes
praying you once again hold this

you look good in corduroy
but it looks better at the foot of the bed
you bring me so much joy
3 years deep, in our connection we invest
you look good slicked with sweat
make you work for what you get
you bring me so much strife
3 days, is that all I have left?

i picture your hand on top of mine
catching fire while i rub on your thigh
i didn’t have expectations but you exceeded mine
thunder stricken, hit it a second time
wonder if you dreams look like mine
your body draped in candle light

fireworks erupt from our spark
your soft lips kiss my fractured heart
i feel safe and that makes me scared
not used to men who exhibit such care
used to men who shoot and scar
play with my crown only after you asked
kiss my pearls, hand slides down my back
keep me in mind, keep me in check
candle lit make out sesh, pomegranate red
passion enmeshing with my nervous head

Enmesh ourselves in the forest of our bodies
the movie could be written by our calculated cadence
folded arms to euphoric statements
tap your head to drink your thoughts
did not expect it after so long
massage your scars, unbuckle your taming
i can see the movie we are making
the wide eye boy and his capital charm
the small town boy with a fresh fresh start

i threw a penny into a fountain a fortnight ago
i trust the process, removed my ego
the story unfolded like a novel
now I have room to grow
into the grooves, towards the sun
rain is a blessing to some
pain is a lesson for some
i trust the process, trust i’ll become
the words I write in my journal
the worlds I create are personal

felt more waves of emotion in the last week than i have ever
reached a new peak, trying to be better
each day, i commit
each way, i submit
felt more dazed today than the fall from heaven
reached for love, eleven eleven
each day, i pray
each day, each day

I read and read but the words do not stick
trying to forge a path but the plants are too thick
my brain fills with mist, my days i reminisce
i was simple before the downloads
now i etch the voices of my mind into the poetry i write
so i shuffle my tarot cards laced with divine
now is never the time, they say, i fray
i am fickle, riddled with adversity
i am tickled by you thinking you deserve me
a dinner date and you expect to open my legs
i say my thoughts but they get lost in your primitive state
ephemeral, see me through the lens of withdrawal
chemical, plentiful, ego mixed with alcohol

shame leaving me a widow in the window
singing the haunting notes of doom
writing in blood with feather plumes
shame convinced me about you
the prince carries broken promises
i thought i could stitch, ditch the rust
the jagged edges continued to cut
fiction, your diction, death by a thousand cuts
in and out of honeymoons, in and out of therapy rooms
beating me down mentally never enough for you
obtrusive, abusive, obtaining the useless
to use it, to ruin, dispensing the fruitless
beat me down, screaming out, enough is enough
call back your hounds
this is not love

scrolling or snoring
calls from men and divine i am ignoring
ponder on topics not so boring
trying time, double my dosage
ivory mind, cracked porcelain
back to scrolling then snoring
either wrapped up in work or my blanket
my daydreams like lightening
suddenly flash, reality i cannot grasp
then a voice follows mumbling crass
words, worlds, bridges, roads
open doors then immediately close
it is scary, it is a journey
that my soul has been yearning
discerning 3rd eye glowing

stifled in this house of mirrors
thought my promised love was here
my flaws become all too clear
critical seeds deposited deep
i can see them blossom here
rose petals, swollen fruits
but no pair in this house of mirrors
cracked the case, racked my brain
all this data, i need to leave it
in this house of mirrors my confidence is decaying
my ego grows tired, i lean into yoga
realize my ego’s expired, my old life is over
my stability is fading
in this house of mirrors i saw possibilities
in this house of mirrors i saw atrocities
in the shadows of ambiguity, i almost lost me
balancing beam, shattering dreams
warped perception, endless maze
biological embrace, removal of societal shame
this house of mirrors lives with me today

stepping from the shadows into the penumbra
violent salty seas return to chaotic calms
i understood in the beginning but i’ve lost the plot along
the way, days bleed into days, mistakes live in the grey
tumbling towards the sea from cloud nine dreams
idealistic, unrealistic, done climbing the tree
done trying to see
past the unclarity, revoke my charity
done climbing the tree

my biggest fear is to forget
forget how my lips stretched into a smile
forget how my comments made you giggle when you were raining tears
my biggest fear is to be forgotten
like the shoes that carried you 100km or the eldest daughter
my biggest fear is too common
just like me, riding the waves of insecurity
peace is a breath away but so is shame
the only thing unforgotten in my brain
the way it stitches my situation
the way it feeds the roaring flame
my footprints in the sand are destined to wash away
my biggest fear is to exist without a trace