Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Lydeen Dec 2019
I've been waiting for hours.
Awake on adrenaline, anxiety, and caffeine.
Pure will, too, I suppose.
My heart is thump thump thumping.
Threatening to beat right out my chest.
I'm trying to decide wether to text you again.

I sincerely doubt you're asleep.

Spent the last two hours deciding.
Just waiting for you.
I've been awake more than a day.
I think I drove you away more than I thought.
That's okay though.
I accept the blame for this.
I won't say goodnight.

I promise.
Lydeen Oct 2018
1884.

A simple number.
Four digits,
Four numbers,
Containing
1 thousand
8 hundreds
8 tens and
4 ones.


1884 calories.

A simple number.
Four digits,
Four numbers,
Containing
1 thousand
8 hundreds
8 tens and
4 ones.

7882656 joules.
Enough energy to heat 1884 grams of water by one degree Celsius per gram.
Wasted on me.

Which means to me
A day of careless eating.
Fat packing itself onto my skinny body.

A finger and some splashing.

I fixed my issue.
Oof this is literally the only place I talk about my friends Ana and Mia lol. I need to get help. I'm 108 lbs currently, but it's quickly dropping. I keep it under control, though.
Lydeen Mar 2019
3...  2... 1...
My blade pierces my skin like the shriek pierced the silence of existence on a midnight walk in which I never returned.

3...  2... 1...
My finger slides against the back of my throat in such a way as to release all of my guilt from my stomach from a day of carelessness and lack of willpower.

3...  2... 1...
I jump from the bridge similar to the way a fledgling dives from the sky for the first time, not graceful, but still coordinated enough to be considered  beautiful to those with a particular type of mind.

3...  2... 1...
My consciousness disappears in a single heartbeat, with a puff of smoke disbursing, like a drop of dew evaporating, a child's laugh ending, a life falling apart, I'm a candle being blown out.

3...  2... 1...
I am free.
I am not okay
Lydeen Feb 2020
At this point,
It's like clockwork.

I neglect to tell you something,
Because I'm scared you'll get mad,

I finally tell you,
You get mad.

And now we're not friends.
It happens with every friend I have.
I don't understand. I ******* told you, and then you had the audacity to to say "you need to tell us when something's up" like I hadn't literally just done that. *******. I don't think you were ever my ******* friend and this is a final goodbye. I'm sorry that I want to be treated like I'm not invisible. But that isn't an apology to you. It's an apology to myself for letting you treat me like that. Friends aren't only friends when it's just the two of them. Friends don't just want to hang out when they don't have plans. Friends don't only care when they feel obligated. *******.
Lydeen Jan 2021
Without you,
I lost a part of myself.
It isn't bad in and of itself,
It left me in a place to rebuild.

Like a mildewed, forgotten bulb,
I will return with gentle care,
Shed my disease of despair,
And thrive.

Even the most seemingly damaged, dried, moldy bulb can bloom into a beautiful flower when the disease stopping it is removed.

It only took a seemingly hopeless amaryllis for me to learn this.
Lydeen Dec 2019
If one spoiled apple can wreck the whole barrel...

How many barrels will I have to jump in and ruin until they finally  get rid of me?
I'm on a roll today lol
Lydeen Jul 2020
Ive... Been good.
Fought it out with my dad.

He knows I despise him.

Spent the night there for my brother,
Couldn't fall asleep till after four.

Got triggered.

Haven't eaten in a bit,
Got my license though.

I've been good.
Lydeen May 2018
Like silk the waves swallow me,
An endless abyss of silence.

Like a waterfall in the spring,
The water is crashing above me.

Like the sea water in my mouth,
My lungs burn for sweet air.

Like the soft glow of an ocean sunset,
My consciousness dissappears.

Like a tide falling,
I no longer exist.
I should get help
Lydeen Dec 2019
Copper coil,
Condensed candy,
Ceding comfort,

cotton,
candy,
clouds.

Cyclical contentment,
Cool convenience,
Captivatingly casual.

Cotton.
Candy.
Clouds.

Clean conclusion,
Cheerless continuation,
Cultivating casualties.

COTTON!
CANDY!
CLOUDS!
Dude alliteration is hardddd
Lydeen Jan 2021
Too-big jean jackets,
Rolled up sleeves,
Cuffed pants,
You're all thieves.

Deliciously short hair,
Round glasses,
Soft skin,
Performing for the masses.

You're my big, lesbian, social media crush.
Sappho would be proud of how much I love women, even though I'm really bisexual :-P
Lydeen Nov 2020
Feet on the pedals,
Crunchy Gravel.
Sunshine.

Cycling to nowhere,
Round and Round,
Without a care.

Fences and trees,
and paths and leaves.
Laughter. Joy.

Up and Down,
Back and forth,
A circular journey.

Round and round,
Over and over
and over and...

Beginning, middle, end.
Addiction, Recovery, Relapse.
OCD, Depression, Anxiety.

Cycling to nowhere.
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
Lydeen Dec 2020
I really didn't think that when you finally disowned me,

It would be so liberating.

Freeing.

Stress-melting.

Wonderful.


Thank you,

Jordan Matthew Jansen

**
I mean I cried for two hours but honestly I feel amazingly calm now.
Lydeen Oct 2020
Ja faz algum tempo.
Sinto saudades de todos voces.

Tudo bem?
Estou bem.

Eu sou ainda sozinho.

Mas, esta tudo bem

:-)
Ja faz algum tempo, meu amigos e amigas. Sinto saudades.
Lydeen Dec 2019
Curves melting away
Numbers dropping
An obsessive measurement of worth

One food at a time
Or
Consider mixing it all together

Counting bites
Counting grains, kernels, seeds
Counting times chewed

26 waist
32 hip
5 wrist

11 neck
7 forearm
30 ribcage

17.8 bmi
16.3 body fat
98 lbs

Obsessively memorizing
Remeasuring
Plugging in numbers

Worrying if you look sick
Collar bones too defined
Hip bones jutting out just too much

Getting scared
Binging
Purging

Feeling deliciously empty
Thinking clearly
Everything fuzzy at the edge

It ain't a ******* joke
Lydeen Feb 2020
I don't understand.

(*******)

I ******* told you, and then you had the audacity to to say "you need to tell us when something's up" like I hadn't literally just done that.

*******.

I don't think you were ever my ******* friend and this is a final goodbye.

*******.

I'm sorry that I want to be treated like I'm not invisible.

(*******.)

But that isn't an apology to you.

(*******.)

It's an apology to myself for letting you treat me like that.

(*******)

Friends aren't only friends when it's just the two of them.

(*******)

Friends don't just want to hang out when they don't have plans.

*******.

Friends don't only care when they feel obligated.

*******!
4//8//2020
Lydeen May 2020
Finally
I can wake up in the morning
And be okay.

And not just... Okay....
Really.
Okay.

OCD is still an
Unwelcome
Visitor

The self loathing
Is still here,
Sometimes,

But I'm really okay.
I work a 9-6 job,
Sleep regular

Talk to boys,
Argue and talk back,
Get tired

My problems aren't gone.
They're still
Very much present

But,
I'm dealing with them,
Finally
Lydeen Oct 2018
I sit in a field,
Under the moonlight,
A shooting star,
Shining bright.

I fall back,
Watch the clouds,
A peaceful chill,
A silence so loud.

I count the stars,
Find Ursa Major,
Laying in dew,
I make my final wager.

A deal with God,
My final plea,
When I die today,
Send my love to me.

I looked at the stars,
Closed my eyes and sighed,
I remembered my life,
My lack of pride.

Moving and swirling,
The beauty above me,
I loved the stars,
Beautiful and free.

I plucked a flower,
Placing it behind my ear,
Whispered a prayer,
Hoped God would hear.

Looking to the heavens,
I slit my wrists,
Moving with color,
The galaxy twists.
This poem disappointed me when I finished.
Hey
Lydeen Dec 2019
Hey
Hey.
I sent you another text.
Maybe I shouldn't've.
I was hoping to tell you something.
I don't really know if you care but.
I ate a proper amount today for the first time in months.
Have you eaten?
You probably haven't.
That's okay.
I get it.
I think under normal circumstances you'd be proud.
I actually ate fries and shortcake today.
I forgot my meds though so it made me feel icky.
It's okay.
I even ate some chocolate.
Nearly a full meal at McDonald's.
Well...
At least half.
I gave it my best, though.
How are you?
How's your mom?
Have you eaten?
(I miss you)
How's your girlfriend?
(I love you)
What's been up?
How can I fix this?!?


I'm sorry.
Lydeen Nov 2020
Counting... Always... Counting.

A cup of herbal tea, maybe with some sugar.
If I feel up to it.

Maybe some soup, grilled cheese.
If I can stomach it.

Dinner. Whatever mom makes.
My only supervised meal.

Tired, all day... Every day.
Drowning in college papers.

The curves I worked so hard to get back...
Well. They're nearly gone.

Protruding hip bones,
Protruding collar bones,
Boney fingers,
Pale skin,
Fantastic figure and pretty ribs,
Cold toes and bad circulation.

Heart murmurs... Shaky breathing... Migraines... Exhaustion... Confusion... Lethargy... Weight loss

Shaking, Shaking, Shaking...
Shivering?

Gotta go make a cuppa, warm up a bit.

But... what's left for me to be healthy for, anyway?

I'll take a bath to warm up instead






Probably.
Being home all the time isn't doing me well... If I die, blame Miss Rona for her ****** attitude.
How
Lydeen Aug 2019
How
Counting
Saving
Stashing.

How many will work?

Or! Maybe I can
disassemble
my Pencil Sharpener.

Or better yet,

Knit a long,
Skinny,
Scarf.

Where to hang it though?

Perhaps I could take a
Too Hot
Bath,

And sit till it's cold.

Maybe...
Weigh myself,
Until I'm satisfied

That'd do it too.
If you get all of this sorry lol but I bet almost everyone does on here
Lydeen May 2018
Your lips touch mine.

Caressing softly in the dark.

Your lips touch mine.

Gently like a summer breeze.

Your lips touch mine.

With the innocence of a child.

Your lips touch mine.

One last time before you leave.

Your lips touch mine.

In my memories and dreams.

Your lips touch mine.
I'm sad
Lydeen Dec 2019
It's j#st another love letter.
Tho#sands,
H#ndreds,
MILLIONS
Exactly like it.

I missed ###r text.
Sorry.
I promise,
The anxiety of realizing
MORE
Than makes #p for it.

### told me to chill.
That b#rned a little.
### know that my
ANXIETY
Is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad B a D.

I'm sorry for making ###
Worry.
Worryworryworryworryworry
All the letters
BL#RRING
With my tears.

We all want to be
Special.
I'm not special.
Not to ###.
Not to my best friend,
who ###'re dating.
Not to my other best friend,
###.
NOBODY.
That's why ### aren't in this poem.
This isn't very good and doesn't make sense #nless ## think a little, b#t it feels right to me. How abo#t ###?
Lydeen Dec 2019
I'll thrice kiss
your wrist. It's
the only way

I can know
that you'll be
okay. I promise

it will help.
Kiss Kiss Kiss,
Kiss your wrist.
Lydeen Aug 2019
The temptation is always hanging over me.
A cloud raining pure amber liquid,
Calling with a siren sound.

"I'll help you forget"

"I'll help you be happy"

"We can have fun"

"Make you feel nice"

"Give you back your laugh"

"Take away the pain"

"Supplement the light"


The cold silence of the night makes my nightmares so much more real.

I am alone.


"Together we will be warm"


That's right.





We will be.
I am far too young to be a ******* alcoholic **** but I guess I was always daddy's little girl
Lydeen Oct 2018
Little yellow daffodils,
Swaying in the wind.
Pretty yellow daffodils,
By the roots they're pinned.


Little Singing mourning doves,
Sweetly fluttering in.
I plucked up a daffodil,
Whispering of sin.


I love my little daffodil,
To it's unhappy disdain.
The life of my daffodil is short,
Barely any more remains.


It's my fault, my pretty daffodil,
That you will die young.
But remember my soft lullaby,
I always gently sung.


You are love, my little daffodil,
A pleasure mixed with lust.
My peachy little metaphor,
Dying so quickly it's unjust.
I honestly don't even know anymore. I'm sitting at home with a migraine, so I wrote a poem. No inspiration, no real meaning to me, but I still wrote it.
Lydeen Mar 2019
Staring
      Down
          Down
               Down
                    Down
Mixing
Swirling
Cutting

Making
   ­  Pretty
          Pretty
               Pretty
                    Pretty

Designs
In
Food
It was gonna be longer but I don't care enough anymore to even do that
Lydeen Jan 2021
As it turns out,

You were just the cocoon which trapped and tested my willpower,

and you only succeeded in making me into a stronger,

more beautiful person
Mia
Lydeen Mar 2019
Mia
Tired...
but Beautiful

Awake...
but Still Sleeping

Alive...
but Starving

Dying...
but Slowly

Eating...
but Not Really

Ugly...
but Pretty
Lydeen May 2018
Welcome to my personal Hell.
I hope your visit will go well.

Everyday, right in my eyes,
They look at me as if they despise.

Up to your left you will see,
A list of why they all have hated me.

Why is it blank?
I don't know.
Maybe it was just meant to be so.

They laugh and jeer,
*******'re such a queer.

They made me cry,
Hopefully I'll die.

Years and years,
But no-one hears.

Stick and stones
Break your bones,
But words can breaks a heart.

Why is it me?
You could see,
Am I small and weak?

Maybe they hate me because the outside defies,
The inside they so despise,

My strength scares,
My words that tear,

The weapon of choice?
Always my voice.

They asked for it,
Challenged my sharp wit.

They attacked and provoked,
As they cruelly joked.

I defended myself,
You better watch yourself.

My walls I have built,
Much to my guilt.

The friends I have hurt,
The words I still blurt.

My friends don't deserve my hate,
My only permanent trait.

I could just not talk,
Enforce my walls with bedrock.

To hide the real me,
Since no-one cares to see.

They look at me as if they despise,
Everyday, right in my eyes.

I hope your visit went Hell,
You can always take my place in My Personal Hell
I'm just sorta trying to write anything that comes to mind so this come out interesting
Lydeen Jan 2020
New year,
New me.
Or,
At least that's the idea,
Right?

I haven't really told anyone...
I've been counting calories,
Starving.
Working out.
It needs to stop,
I guess.

I'll figure it out.

New year New me.

Sounds nice.
Only an hour left! I'm hoping next year is much better than this one. We'll see, when I go through all my poems next December. I wish all my lovely followers well. Make it the best one yet <3 muito amour ~Lydeén~
Lydeen Aug 2019
Wal-Mart at 12 a.m. is almost eerie.

Silent save the occasional shopper or manager,
Perhaps following you to ensure you don't do anything foolish.

Picking out the dumbest things just because you need to smile.

Playing with your friend in the toys, letting go for once,
Just to be chased away by management.

Losing one of the squad and looking for her.

Wandering over to the makeup, glancing at the camera,
Then picking out what you want and pocketing it an aisle over.

Going to the arcade and winning for once.

It's not a secret, you needed a win,
Plus your little sibling will love the new stuffed toy.

Seeing a random family member.

Rushing away as to remain unseen,
Knowing if your parents find out you will be dead.

The general feeling of disassociated contentedness when you finally leave.

You won't remember half of what happened anyway,
But who cares.

Shopping at night is the best.
Lydeen Feb 2020
I wonder what would happen,
If more people knew about how not cute OCD is.

If they knew about intrusive thoughts,
Thinking about killing yourself-

Throwing yourself in front of an amusement park ride,
Closing your eyes and walking into the street.

Stuck picking at your brain,
Ruining your day.

What would happen if...?
And knowing you shouldn't but REALLY want to.

It's not cute,
Love.
Ocd hits differently when you have the obsessive and compulsive parts.... Thoughts become enemies tbh. It gets stuck- nagging. Rip.
Lydeen Nov 2020
It has only been a week since I've been out of school.




The anxiety of being alone is getting to me.
Lydeen Jan 2020
Up and down,
Written in my
Own personal language,

Crossing my skin
In a sharp,
Bitter, language- personal

To me and
My skin, an
Ode to life
Lydeen May 2018
They just look like paper cuts, only skin deep.

The paper cuts are of a reminder of crying myself to sleep.



They just look like paper cuts, imprinted on my arm.

Too bad these paper cuts are caused by my self harm.



They just look like paper cuts, whispers of stinging hurt.

Hurt that is easily hidden by a long sleeve shirt.



They just look like paper cuts, barely there to stay.

Too bad these paper cuts will never go away.



They just look like paper cuts, but why do they scar?

It's because these paper cuts are much deeper by far.
I honestly hate all of my work.
Lydeen Oct 2020
Polycystic ***** Syndrome.

As it turns out,
Once your hormones are under control,
You aren't always overflowing with emotion.

Even if you're still infertile.
Lydeen Jun 2018
Pointy thing are fun,
Especially while you're having none.

Calling with promise of peace,
Leaving you with a feeling of release.

No matter your despair,
These are marks all can wear.

We all come for different things,
When we leave the heart always sings.

Some choose death,
Others need pain whilst holding their breath.

Pointy things are fun,
A quick slide and you're all done.
I can barely be active during the summer, so this is probably all you four that follow me will get for awhile.
Lydeen Jun 2019
That awkward moment
        When



You don't even

  Know

                        Why

You

     Started cutting


Again.
Oops
Lydeen Dec 2019
Remember the clear blue sky.
Remember the beautiful flowing grass.
Remember the warm spring breeze.
Remember the early thaw.
Remember the beautiful pine trees.
Remember the exploding life.
Remember the sudden jolt.
Remember the three flips.
Remember the burn of the belt.
Remember the sound of mom hitting the roof.
Remember the NOISE.
Remember the aftermath.
Remember the thump of kicking out the window.
Remember the desperation of getting out.
Remember the worry about your sweater.
Remember the fear you had stained your dress.
Remember the grass cutting your legs while leaving the ditch.
Remember the woman who was kind.
Remember the yogurt with cookie crumbs.
Remember the cold spoon.
Remember the grey lunchbox.
Remember the blue cube ice pack.
Remember the girl who hadn't eaten it at lunch.
Remember the lie that you hadn't cried.
Remember the grey van.
Remember the white car stained red.
Remember the bus.
Remember the blood.
Remember the shattered glass.
Remember the man.
Remember the crimson paint.
Remember the scalp peeled back.
Remember the shrieking siren.
Remember the neighbors.
Remember the glistening beautiful glass.
Remember the cops.
Remember the ambulance ride.
Remember the hospital.
Remember the glass embedded in mommy's back.
Remember the doctors.
Remember the first time your blood pressure was taken.
Remember the sling.
Remember the pain.
Remember the fear.
Remember the questions.
Remember the thousands of times you told the story over.
Remember the details you suppressed.
Remember the trauma.
Remember the gasp each time the car slowed.
Remember the hands clutching the door.
Remember the death grip.
Remember the anxiety.
Remember the tears.
Remember the first time driving.
Remember the first time almost getting in a crash of your own.
Remember the fear each time you grip the wheel.
Remember the accident on your sixth birthday.
Lydeen Nov 2020
Always,
always,
sad.
Lydeen Feb 2020
Maybe I hurt myself...

To keep myself from hurting you...

With the thoughts begging to become actions...
It's been a rough week
Lydeen May 2018
One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Fi-

Or...

Was...



It

four?

Better

start

again,

being

safe..



One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.



Start

Again.

Counting.

Every.

Single.

Thing.

He­re.



Cracks.

Wait?

How

long

was

that

there?



One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.
­


Scratching.

Poking.

Prodding.

Anxiety

makes

me

tick.



­Breathe.

One.

Out.

Two.

Breathe.

Three.

Out.



Four.

Brea­the.

Five.

Out.

Six.

Breathe.

Seven.



Haiku.

Seven.

Five­.

Sev-

Five.

Seven.

Five.



Seven

Doesn't

Have

Seven

Freaking

Numbers



Crap.

That

was

six.

Need

to

revise.



Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

­One.



In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.



Ignore

it.

But
­
I

Can't.

You

can.



But

I

simply

don't

have

the

strength.



I

just

can't

stop

ticking

right

n­ow.



Help

me.

Gonna

drown

and

die.

Save

me.



Seven.

S­ix.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.



Now

it's

too

late

to

save

me.



The

numbers

have

already

won

this

one.
Uhm so this is my first post on here, because I got accepted like two days ago. I know I'm trash btw, and all of my poems are super long. Sorry.
Lydeen Aug 2019
Oops.

I fu
C

ke


d

uP.

Now I'm under

lock
                 and key




wEll ****.
Lol
Lydeen May 2020
Sic Itur Ad Astra.
Assim para as estrelas eu viajarei,
Em tempos de luto e perda,
Através das estrelas e galáxias,
Ao calor fugaz do sol,
Sic itur ad astra.
Lydeen May 2020
Sic itur ad astra,
Thus to the stars I will journey,
In times of grief and loss,
Through stars and galaxies,
In the fleeting warmth of the sun,
Sic itur ad astra.
Lydeen Mar 2019
You're worthless.
You can't even go a day without eating.
Even when you do you stuff your face just to puke it back up.

Why don't you just end it now?
You're ugly and no-one will ever want you.
Much less want to be with you.

You think that we made you tired?
That we are what's making you sad?
No. You did this to yourself, you worthless, ugly *******.

Why can't you be strong like the other girls?
Why don't you just quit eating and have discipline like they do?
We know it's because you're scared. You ******* coward.

Even we aren't the worst things that you deal with.
What about your little "habit?"
Be it drugs, self harm, purging, or alcohol. Just take your pick.

You deserve every little thing that's happened to you.
You'll never be enough.
You aren't worth it.

You never were.

Sincerely,
Ana & Mia
Oops I'm depressed
Lydeen Jan 2019
Falling
Falling
Falling
Spiraling like a top.
The world spins as I walk,
My body.
Desperate for nutrition.
But beautiful.
I still haven't hit rock bottom.
Spinning out of control.
Lydeen Jan 2019
Breathing out a cotton candy cloud,
Vaping to slowly **** myself.
It's subtle,
Plus I always smell good.
Sliding my thumb across my blade to bring a bit of sharpness back to this dull dull life.
Chewing my lips until they're bruised and bleeding.
Laying back in the tub as the water slowly slowly slowly covers my face.
Sitting up gasping for breath.
I know I'm bi.
My dad will **** me when he finds out his baby girls kissed another girl.
Oh well.
Laying in the snow until my senses burn,
Clarity.
Staying up all night just to make myself feel alive.
Spiraling spiraling spiraling.
Out of control.
Lydeen Oct 2018
A finger in a jar,
Spooning out peanut butter,
In a cold empty house.
A pack of crisps.
A crunchy bar.
A sandwich.
Some fizzy.

Slowly,
Pushing the handle,
Tap,
Tap,
Tapping,
Gush.

I push it all back out.
Lydeen Aug 2018
(A rose)

The colour crimson.

(A rose)

The beautiful pain.

(A rose)

Thorns hiding in wait.

(A rose)

Beauty that won't last.

(A rose)

Reminding of the hurt.

(A rose)

Thinking of the patterns.

(A rose)

Carved into your wrists.

(A rose)

Soaked in blood by your beautiful hand.

(A rose)

The last beautiful thing you see.

(A rose)

Stained crimson in your death.
Next page