As it turns out,

You were just the cocoon which trapped and tested my willpower,

and you only succeeded in making me into a stronger,

more beautiful person

Without you,
I lost a part of myself.
It isn't bad in and of itself,
It left me in a place to rebuild.

Like a mildewed, forgotten bulb,
I will return with gentle care,
Shed my disease of despair,
And thrive.

Even the most seemingly damaged, dried, moldy bulb can bloom into a beautiful flower when the disease stopping it is removed.

It only took a seemingly hopeless amaryllis for me to learn this.

Why do you think that it's okay
To rip out my heart
and try to shove it back in

You were drunk?

No ******* ****,
I haven't seen you sober in
6? entire years

*******

"You're my kid, that's not an option"
Then why was it an option two years ago??
Why was it an option last Saturday?

You're not my ******* parent.


You never were.

I really didn't think that when you finally disowned me,

It would be so liberating.

Freeing.

Stress-melting.

Wonderful.


Thank you,

Jordan Matthew Jansen

**

Nighttime.
Cars light up my room.

I count.

The moon keeps me awake,
Beaconing.

I can hear you.

Telling me to do it-
Hurt me, you, them...

Everyone.

Thoughts SCREAMING.
Words begging to become actions.

I close my eyes.

Deep, deep, deep breath.
It's just a thought.

Grounded.

Soft sheets, pillows...
Moon, stars, lights.

It's quiet.

When I'm home alone,
I feel empty.
The circles under my eyes...
Bruises.
Wind carries through cracks,
Mice scratch scratch scratch scratch...

Something clatters.
Whispers?
Footsteps?!

And suddenly it's loud.
My heart pound pound pounds...
Adrenaline.
Anxiety.
Getting closer...
Quick! Grab a weapon!

I call out:
"Is someone there?!"
Silence.

And suddenly it is all quiet again.