zb - Hello Poetry

zb Oct 2018

i smear oil paint across your lips.

your face, outlined in pale brown and
robin's egg blue and
yellow-green,
rests gently in negative space.

part of me hurts
when i look at this part of you,
this part i am
so familiar with,
in an unfamiliar way.

the lines of your eyes
(eyes i've gazed into a thousand times)
betray my secrets and my soul;

the whisper of your hair
is the same as the quiet brush of mine
on the tops of my bare shoulders;

i reach out to touch you,
and my fingers touch dried oils
in shades of raw umber and cadmium lemon;
my paintbrush still dangles, wet,
from my other hand.

the creased wax paper on the table
carries swatches of color,
the potential energy of
my pigment-smudged hands;
you are still unfinished.

i am still unfinished.

#artist #paint #self #portrait #color #unfinished #love

zb Oct 2018

1.

you left me, you know
see: i don't think you do
i don't think you've ever, ever realized
what you did to me

but whenever you ask
my tongue freezes up
fear clogs my throat
and i can never seem to get out
the perfectly-worded, numbered list of grievances
i laid awake composing in the dead of night,
throat raw from whispering my vindications
to myself over and
over,
waiting patiently
for situations exactly like this one

#abuse #emotional #neglect #sad #fear #depression #anxiety

zb Oct 2018

seven hundred and eighty-eight

raindrops crown your face
a wreath to your purity
your smile is enough
to make me forget even the
sun, hiding behind clouds

i'm caught in the riptide
that swirls beneath the tug of your lips
behind the timbre of your voice
you have me,
even if you do not know it

#crush #love #unrequited #rain #smile #voice #emotional

zb Oct 2018

i waited, wait, will wait for you

i see you from across the room
i see you, and you shine under the lights,
and i miss your face

i miss your earnest smiles
i miss the sweetness of your gaze
i miss the gentle tone of your voice,
familiar and warm and everything that calms me

i see you, and i think of you
even as i look away
even when i can't see over the crowd
you pervade my thoughts in a way i never wanted

you dance, i dance
i wish it was with each other
but i am content with seeing,
with absorbing
the sight of you like a plant in the sun

i see you, and i dream of you
i tried, tonight, to forget;
the ghost of you that lives
in the deepest part of my heart
wouldn't let me

the ghost of what could have been
the ghost of what i could have been,
you could have been,
we could have been

i see you from across the room,
eyes bright, smile wide
i see you, and you do not see me

later, you said you looked for me
by that point, i had stopped glancing your way
but i never stopped looking

#love #dance #crush #unrequited #romance

zb Oct 2018

smoky-grey skies, icy water dripping down the back of my neck

the air, cold in the bottom of my lungs,
calls me out to face the chill,
let raindrops bless my skin,
gaze up, squinting into the sky,
and feel tiny droplets scatter on my cheeks like freckles

i love rainy, cold weather,
i love letting my sleeves fall down over my hands
i love too-wide smiles and wet toes from splashing
in puddles full of mud and hazy reflections of people i love

i love the shiver down my spine
whenever i step out the door,
walking between school buildings with friends,
laughing as loudly as we can
tucking strands of wet hair behind our ears,
checking everyone's backpacks are closed
to protect english papers and math homework

i breathe deeper in the autumn
because the bite of the cold at the sides of my lungs
gives a high i can't replicate
any other time of year

#rain #weather #autumn #fall #winter #october #november #rainy #cold #ice

zb Oct 2018

eleven thirty-three on a saturday night, and i think of you

you took your thumbs
and brushed them over
the bruises nestled above my cheekbones

my eyes, half-closed, but so bright
because the warmth of your palms on my face
kept me from losing my mind

i'm so tired
my fingers, my brain, my soul
i'm so tired but you still hold me

#tired #exhaustion #sleep #love #crush #unrequited #studying

zb Sep 2018

it was easier to love you // when i couldn't quite do so

i miss the days when
i was content with what we shared
when i had hope we could be more
but didn't want it

i miss the days when
your smile, i thought, could be for me
when we were simpler
and feelings easier

i miss the days when
we were younger and closer
when i knew you better
when i knew me better

but you feel different, and not quite so close
and i want more
and oh, i wish i didn't
because when it was just you and me,
i was content

#love #crush #unrequited #simple #friendship #romance #complicated