sometimes
talking to You feels like
leaving a message on an answering machine
how do i know You can hear me?
call me selfish,
but i wish i could see Your face

summer is sunlight warming your jeans
chlorine up your nose
mosquito bites on the back of your knee
sweat pooling behind your ears
late nights and late mornings
scalding stone walkways under bare feet
dry grass crumbling between your fingertips
burrs in your socks
sunscreen dotting your nose
air conditioner whirring to life
fans spinning so hard they shake the room
car rides over hours of half-melted tar
lake water soaking your tennis shoes
afternoons spent at home

afternoons spent wishing you were somewhere else

music soft like honey
notes drops of nectar on the skin of your wrist
the bass is your heartbeat
and the warmth of my hands on your cheeks

could we stay here forever?
you and me and the ferns
sunlight drifting in
you and me and our greenhouse
this moment is a thousand years
or, i wish it was

i can see us in my mind
dancing to music
that's been stuck in my head
for years
you are my daydreams
and i am the whispers
exchanged between us,
two souls in a glass house

my fingers find yours
you fill the negative space of my body
i reach up to touch your face
you smile gently, and i feel it

the melody of our song is
the rush of blood in my veins
when i hold your hand
you press my hands to your chest
and i feel the bass of your heart

my bad days are black holes
like ink spots on your perfect universe
from where someone pressed down
too hard with a fountain pen

my blood is the ink
and your eyes are the stars
i am a corrosion of your beauty
i am hungry for the planets
that adorn your wrists like jewels

i am gravity without the heat of passion
could you still love me?
could you let me stain your skin
could you let me brush my lifeblood
over the divots of your constellations

i am a perfect sphere of loss
homeless, exhausted
please, let me stay
let me soak the warmth from your fingertips
let me absorb the light from your smiles
like dusted galaxies stretching across the sky

i am a black hole
and you are my universe

sometimes an acrid heat
rises in my vocal cords
it tells me to do things
i don't want to do
but i do want it
i just wish i didn't.

it steals my voice
it masquerades as honor
it whispers justifications
it reveals itself to me
in a way i can't refuse

it tells me
it reminds me
how sweetly it stings
when i drag my fingers
against my skin
how could i say no?
i am weak

it wants me to hurt
i want to hurt
it wants me to hurt
i want to hurt
i(t) want(s me) to hurt
because it never was anything
but my own desires
i just didn't want them
to be mine