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This was last Saturday night. We were at a rooftop party in downtown New Haven thrown by ‘DocHouse.’ Doc-House is kind of a frat-house, owned by Dr. Melon, where he and seven doctoral students live. My BF Peter lived there once - before he graduated and took a job in Geneva - that’s how I met Dr. Melon. I think Peter asked Melon to ‘keep an eye’ on me - because he texts me an invitation every week and people with multiple doctorates and doctoral students don’t usually hang with lowly undergraduates.

The invitation said ‘rooftop’ but we’re mostly on the third floor - not on the actual roof - because it’s about 39°f and windy out there tonight. The floor space was about seventy by a hundred feet, there were pillars but no walls. The space was lit by a million strings of white Christmas lights.

The party was packed and loud - so loud I was wearing ear plugs. Beach chairs and card tables were the furniture. There were foosball, pool and two ping-pong tables (one of those being used for "Beer Pong"). A karaoke machine patched into two Marshall amps and speakers acted as a DJ.

Of course, there was a bar. Everyone was supposed to bring something. We brought two bags of ice, two magnums of Gordon's gin, two fifths of Cinzano vermouth, a jar of large green olives and a box of toothpicks, because there’s always room for the proper anesthetic. Martinis aren’t a shiny, new hobby with me - they’re a lifelong passion that I only indulge in on weekends and in psychologically safe environments.

There were 7 in our party - Sunny, Lisa, Leong (three of my suitemates), Lisa’s BF David (a Wall Street M&A man), Andy (a carrot-topped chain-smoking divinity-school undergraduate friend of Sunny’s), Charles (our escort, and driver) and me.

We’d been there about 30 minutes when Jordie, a guy I’ve been sort of crushing on for several months, showed up - alone. Lisa turned to me and yelled, “Uuu, lookie lookie,” when she saw him - I barely heard her - but I read her lips. I’d never really talked to Jordie, but when I looked at him, through the warm, martini mist, my tummy felt like Jello-excitement.

As the night wore on, Jordie and I started hanging out. We lost at foosball, 8-ball and ping-pong before we went up on the roof to get some air. The silvery ½-moon crescent was obscured, off and on by clouds, like a shell game where the moon was a jewel on blue velvet. You could almost hear the operator’s smooth, practiced patter, “now you see it, now you don’t, place your bets.”

It was quiet up there, so we actually talked. Somehow, the vast night seemed intimate. As we talked, the conversation was delicate and careful, like the words were made of crystal.

A while later, Jordie and I were back downstairs dancing. The entire floor was coated with that gray-speckled covering - so you could dance anywhere - but a rectangle of police tape in that flooring defined the official ‘dance floor’.

Two hours later, we were watching Sunny sing karaoke while holding a fuchsia martini (just add raspberry liqueur) in one hand. When Sunny goes, she totes commits and belting out an angry, screamo version of ‘Ain’t it fun’ by Paramore, she tried for a Beyonce-like head-spin (don’t try this at home), and slung half of her drink on the crowd - but it didn’t slow her, or them, down. After finishing, to huge applause, she took several bows and coming back to our table, she asked Andy, “How was I?”
Andy held out his hand and lampooned her by waffling it, in a so-so gesture.
As Lisa handed Sunny a replacement cocktail, she told Andy “You don’t get it - it’s supposed to be awful.”
“Then it’s the best version of the song I’ve ever heard.” he replied, holding up his hands like she had a gun.

Jodie and I danced some more and after a while, someone played a slow song. As we moved close together, his subtle, boy musk was torturous and intoxicating. How come guys smell better when they’re all sweaty and I smell like a horse? Eight weeks of lonely boredom and three martinis (4?) were almost enough to churn the sweat of desire into the intoxicating liquor of consent. In my secret heart I wanted him. Badly. I wanted to take him home and smash against him for hours. Alas, I have a (missing) boyfriend and I don’t believe in oopsies.

At that very moment I saw Charles, standing silhouetted in one of the dance floor lights - he had our coats in hand. I swear, that man can read my mind. I glanced at my watch, 2:30am. I stopped close dancing with Jordie and stepped back. “I gotta go,” I told him.
“It was fun,” he said, shrugging and smiling.
“It WAS fun,” I agreed, taking my coat from Charles who’d come over. “(I’ll) See you next week,” I added, as everyone in our little caravan started to move.

'May I meet you soon, my yet unseen child,' I always wished as I ­stroked my belly.

Ooo, Ooo (shouts of joy) I wonder how your face looks like? 
Ooo, Ooo, I wonder how your voice sounds like?

..............

I see mysel­f reflected in your big eyes 
as your tears trickled down your ch­eeks

'Mama, mama, come, I'm finished with my food!' 
'Tatata, ta­tata, come,  let's go out for a walk!'

You hugged your knees, cr­ying out your eyes 
Tell me why, I'll listen to everything 
Don't­ worry, I'm not going anywhere 
No matter what happens, I'll be w­ith you 
I love your face when you laugh 
Even when you're down, ­please try to cheer up

'Ru-ru-ru, ru-ru-ru, come, let's sing a s­ong' 
'U-o-on, u-o-on, come, shout your hearts out'

Ki-ra-ra, ki-ra-ra (Shouts of Cheering) may you grow free from care!

...............


Run through snow,­ count the clouds, play in the rain, 
get blown by the wind, get ­buried in flowers, make your grass flutes sing  
with your four l­egs, with your two legs

A new morning,  
a new wind, 
prepared j­ust for you

A new morning,  
a new light, 
a world just for you
­
A new morning,  
a new rainbow, 
a world full of wonder

No matt­er which of the two roads you choose, 
I would probably no longer­ be able to gaze at you from afar 
Someday, when you set out on y­our journey, 
I'm sure I will see you off with a smile

Uuu, uuu (sounds of crying), 
but perhaps I'll be a bit lonely..
Uoon, Uoon (shout of cheers) Please, live strong.......

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We haven't talked in months... you won't let me break up with you. Did you know you're driving me crazy? You carved "insane" into my lips. Now everything I say comes out like like a ****** getting excited about a pretty girl walking home.
I twitch and twist.
I cannot get enough rest.
If I am not sleeping I think id rather be dead. I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. Well... not like i did yesterday. This pain is a dull throb always reminding me. Did you know I get excited about starvation? It makes me feel in control. I wanted to talk about it... You don't have time for me but you simply won't let me go. LEAVE
ME  
    THE
            ****
                     A
                         L
                           O
                             N
                                E
please for I beg... keep away
im a mess that you ******* ****** on.
im ruined but you seem to have caused more destruction.
the butterflies have morphed into lions. Ripping me to shreds from the inside out.

Let me love again
SoMEoooOne not yOOOoou <uuU!
let me paint again
you see... you've limited me to only shades of blue
I miss the grass.
I miss the grey of rain
Most of all i miss being OkAy

Don't you know? I'm sooooo not into you.

COME OVER.....

I'm feeling lonely,
I don't feel lovely,
I'm feeling lost,
I'm not in my best ,

Can you come over,
I know I will be happier,
Can you  can you come over,
Be my life saver,

All I'm asking for is one,
I'm tired to be alone,
Can you come over,
To restore that smile,

Come over i need your câlin,
Even your bisou,
Starting to feel chaleur,
Come over to calm the chaleur,

My mood rate is low,
I feel like to bow,
As if as I'm stabbed with an arrow,
Come over to restore my mood.


Tired of being lonely,
Come over you are my hope,
I know I'm not dope,
Uuu come over,

I'm going down,
Feeling like an clawn,
Can you please be  apace ,
I'm broken in asunder.

Hope you will cry with me,
Tired with this feeling,
Aah come ove,
You are my everything,

Please I'm on my knees,
Feeling like I had no purposes,
Please come over,
Onto come onto come,

Babe please come,
Please running out of time,
Can you can you,
I want you to come over just want you.....

Crying so hard you gum up the works
flem and spit that's gotta go down
nowhere else but the throat

Saying the wrong thing
being met with immediate silence
as you sweat and shuffle in your shoes

Hearing the wrong thing
and not knowing if you should speak
so you swallow followed by
'uuu-'ntil someone stops you

Can I be the world's forgotten boy?
because you forced me to search and destroy
you employed tactics taking advantage of the fact that back then I was still a boy
but I've since then ive put down my toys
I seek to destroy what you did to me and my familia with that not so clever ploy I'll probably find some perverse joy in ridding myself of your influences and mentions to the family uuu tried to separate me from I felt back then I was always under a loaded gun but I ripped those burdens asunder with your "love" but it's done now. it's over wow and all I have now is a smile on my brow

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