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Tabitha Sep 2017
I tried
The same reason I cried, I died inside.
Imagine the life we live without feelings. Complete emptiness.

You filled me up, drew a smile in my heart,though you never loved me, I thought we loved each other; we just got complicated together.

The space between mind and soul, you filled it up wrestling with the pain that was left by the same one I'm running back to.

He tore me, left for you to
Mend it,
You did it,
I let you.
You did me, I loved it.
You did us, and lost it.
I'm here for you, she's there too.

You made me happy, put me together, showed me the passion any woman would **** for.....
......I died for..
When I hear your name it warms me, your face blesses me,the way you laugh, how toothaches make you cry, the confidence in your steps, the look in your eyes that strips me compliments and pleases me.
I see forever in your eyes, no secrets, no lies, unbreakable ties.
Forever together, without me.
I tried.
The same reason I lied, I hide inside.
I am not enough to hold you down, the stray in you defeats my power.
A majestic aura of supremacy you bring with you as I let you take over my weakness. I want to hold your hand, let go and hang onto your heart, slip and fall deep in your love, dive and drown into your soul....

How do I begin to imagine the loneliness of not having you with me?
If I could call you my forever, I would; but right now I can never but only dream
Tabitha Sep 2017
...And when it all goes silent, and I am left with only me.

My racing thoughts, the emptiness, the pain throughout my body.

Chaotic darkness in my mind

Directionless

Feeling disconnected

I need to find the route home back to me.
I wrote this years ago. I was in a dark place. Scary time of my life. Let me just say, tonight.... I think I don't feel so disconnected anymore.
Tabitha Sep 2017
You want to feel better?
A little better, a lot better, better than... who?
Better than what?
For how long? A moment, forever, in between?
When? Now, tomorrow, soon, later, just once, always?
Is it out there, that better feeling....
You think?
Where is it? in the wrap of someone's arms or legs, in the folds of a wallet?
In drugs, in music, in *****, in sharp blades, in a hangman's knot?
In the voice of a child, in the pews of a place? Pills?
In sticking your finger down your throat after you eat?
In a needle transporting a dream into your head via a vein?
In the words of a friend, in the scribbles of a poet?
In LA or NYC or Tibet- In possible or in impossible?
In wanting to be somebody else you can't be, or in wanting to be not you, the you who you must be?
In an office, on a couch for an hour, once a week, for a fortune, for a decade, or for forever?
Will the world change for you; Just for you; Just to make you feel better?

And....

Is it that "feel better" is not outside? Outside your door, outside your mind?

Could it be; And can you visualize that feel better feeling is right where it always was, is, will be....

Available, hiding, waiting, engine running, bright lights on, horn honking, screaming, "here I am!" but still stuck un-found and your yet to be discovered, beautiful, unsought, unseen, untasted, un-reached, unconquered, never climbed, never pursued pots of rainbow gold waiting impatiently amongst the treasure laden mountain tops existing  inside the barricaded barren self made obstacles hiding along the paths you have chosen that bypass the paths which would lead you to your untapped, untouched, untried courage that dwells, abandoned somewhere in your current over rated mind....
Tabitha Sep 2017
Knock Knock. Who's there? Anyone I know
behind that stare?
Knock knock. Well then? Still the same as it's ever been.
Knock Knock. Go away. Rather be by myself today.
Knock Knock. Still here. Get so lonesome if you're not near.
Knock Knock. Don't crowd. You've no reason to act so proud.
Knock Knock. You're nuts. You don't love me, and I hate your guts.
Knock Knock. Poor child. Get like this every once in awhile.
Knock Knock. **** it let me in! Any idea how long it's been?
Knock Knock. Not true. You know I love every bit of you.
Knock Knock. Don't say. Where were you all those other days?
Knock Knock. Chill out. You don't know what you're talking about.
Knock Knock. Me chill? I can't even understand you, you're yelling so loud!
Knock Knock. You're blind. Why, because I let you do this every time?
Knock Knock. Time out! I'm not doing this again! Do you even know what were fighting about?
Knock Knock. Why does everything always gotta be about you?
......................
Ding ****. It's too late, I found somebody new...
When I wrote this awhile back, I was going through this miscommunication type deal with my other half at the time. Going back and fourth. Always trying to get his attention, yet always getting turned away.
Tabitha Sep 2017
I am always a mess. I can never keep my own secrets. I laugh too hard at stupid things. I live in the past, in the memories. I love the people I have. I am heartsick for all the things I can't get back. It's hard for me to define myself. I guess I'm just a cliche, the person who loved too hard and didn't get anything in return. I just want the one person who has never given me a second thought.
Tabitha Sep 2017
My mind pours out in misty blue.
A mental state unheard to you.

My lips, my tongue, they fight about.
While words are screaming, "Let me out!"

They fight and argue all the time
This bout between my lips, tongue, and mind.

Bounded by a mental state.
My words are destined to know their fate.

As gullible as my mind, tongue, and lips felt.
They got down on their knees and knelt.

With exclamation my words screamed and shout..
"I just wanted you to let me out!!!"
Tabitha Sep 2017
(If only you could) step into my heart for just a moment or two, you might be overwhelmed by what I feel for you.

Love, pure and simple. Love that has no end, and longs to hold you near. Now and forever.;
For as long as we are both here.

I want to hold you close
I want to hold your hand
I never want to let you go;
You're the best I've ever had.

I want to protect you
I want to keep you safe
I never want to see you cry;
or feel an ounce of pain.

I want to see you smile
I want to make you laugh
I never want you to wish for something, other than what you have.

I want to give you everything
I want to give you my all
I never want to give you less than anything you want.

Because it's simple
My love for you is pure;
And you are the one
I've waited my whole life for....
Tabitha Sep 2017
Overwhelmed,
My desires,
Unfulfilled,
Incomplete, lost
Somewhere,
My thoughts....
They have me tired.
Happiness,
It never lasts,
Running with life
But Im not fast-
Enough to scream
Why do I cry
I don't miss
You think your
Tough
I can be
Weak
Uncontrollable
You make me
Bleed
Don't look at me and not speak.
Tabitha Sep 2017
I sense and ending in the air;

And yet not clearly defined, but it's there.

Never came close to to closeness, for my fragments of reality shower my shattering heart.... How can this be right, dreams like melting ice within my mind.

How do I hold on?

Yet-

How do I let go?
One
Tabitha Sep 2017
One
One look, I was captured by your eyes
Left staring into your deepest parts
Where your passion and your love lies
The place where I see our hearts

One touch, I was brought down to my knees
So warm, so gentle and feelings so strong
They entered every part of me with such ease
Gave me a taste of love, I saw where I belong

One kiss, I was ready to take to the skies
Flying by your side, forever soaring so free
Under your wings, seeing the world through your eyes
And letting the moon and stars shine on you and me

One word, I felt you opening my soul
I felt your presence deep inside burning
You filled every empty space, every hole
You gave me all I needed.
You gave me everything.
I remember my exact feeling writing this. A man who was once in my life. A man whom I will always love. He's out there somewhere. I am only here.. Without him...
Tabitha Sep 2017
Time passes by
Still I try
Hold time still
Here without you
It's so unreal.

Dark, sad and empty....
I want, I hope, I wish, I dream
I need you back with me.

Hidden,
Misplaced,
Stuck,
Stop, I'm lost.
Is there somewhere to go?
Are you there?
YOUR life, WAS life, NO life,
Your nowhere.

What's the point?
Without you its hard to care.
Empty times four,
This isn't how it's supposed to be!
**** everybody, goin' crazy.
Lets start over.
Unexpected. Can I get a warning?

Are you down or up?
Or is it up or down?

Me and sis equals two, plus....
Wait....
Minus you;
My world has
Frozen,
Stopped,
Crashed to the ground.

Attract opposites,
Opposites attract
You've gone up,
Are you watching me shoot down?
Waterfall,
Deep hole,
Down size,
It's a downfall
And I fell down fast
But I'm still falling,
How long will this last?
Don't say FOREVER,
Obviously that's not true
It's not a lie,
Cause FOREVER I'll miss you.

Pain makes you hurt
So hurt equals pain.
Memories are made to remember,
Remembering drives me insane.

What good is a question you can't answer?
Why
What
Where
When
And who's to blame?
Was it me?
She thinks it was her....
Maybe it was him.
I guess its irrelevant
And answers are cheap.
Vanished
Disappeared
Your still gone
Absent filled with a blank
I'm still here
Unclear
Without you
I'm incomplete.
I wrote this poem 7 years ago after my mom....My one true best friend died 3 days after she was diagnosed of stage 4 Lung Cancer. My Mom actually kept the fact that she had cancer from my younger sister and I. We thought she was sick with the flu.... Thats what she told us for her reasons why she was going to the hospital every other day. Had I known.... I would have spent every last minute with her. I didn't know though, So I only spent the last 2 hours of her life beside her hospital bed with her.... I remember it all just like it was yesterday..
Tabitha Sep 2017
Sometimes in relationships,
our love defeats our lust;
But sometimes not.
Sometimes in relationships,
our peace is kept by trust;
But sometimes not.
Sometimes in relationships,
we each to each, are hurt and held and healed.
Sometimes in relationships,
we share our heart and mind;
But sometimes not.
Sometimes we are lost lovers, our lives blaze with brigher burst of passion; Sometimes we are best friends, we balance with compassion;
But sometimes not.
Sometimes we are up-in-arms night and day, our battles are fought and won;
Sometimes we are at-loose-ends, and struggle to be one;
But sometimes not.
Sometimes we are with others, together we entertain family;
Sometimes we are you and me;
Two is good company;
But sometimes not.
Tabitha Sep 2017
When it comes,
I feel the need
for needles
stabbing through my skin,
piercing bone,
a healing pain
fighting darkness,
the false light
flees
as if it never was
or ever has been.
Black is nature,
weighed by blood,
burned by cutting
no scent of smoke
sweet delicious pain.
I wrote this back in 2010. I was going through an extremely heavy addiction.
Tabitha Sep 2017
I get tired of it's confusion,
tired of the pain.
I'm tired of the emptiness from hearts I've parted from.
Tired of wishing for more, but not knowing which way to turn...
And sometimes too scared to look back.
To let go completely of yesterday,
and grasp a hold on the hope of tomorrow.
A hope that if tomorrow gets here, it won't be like yesterday.

Yesterday's holding on to the hope of a lost love
Yesterday's disappointments of the same ol' routine
Yesterday's wishing bills didn't exist, so there wouldn't be any living from check to check.
Yesterday's empty dreams of a fairy tail ending,
Wanting an end to all my struggling.
Holding onto the hope of tomorrow....

A tomorrow filled with pure happiness, knowing that this direction  on the path is the one and only way...
Success.
A tomorrow filled with the reassurance that your headed for better days.
A tomorrow with a love that was sent to you from the heaven above, that will only grow deeper and deeper as time goes by to last forever.
A tomorrow that will complete and fulfill yesterdays wants and dreams.
A tomorrow that will conquer all my hardships and troubles.

I grasp the thought of what wonderfulness tomorrow could bring.

(How can you let go of yesterday?
Lost in my thoughts after my mom died....
Tabitha Sep 2017
One gun, one bullet, one shot, one miss, our love, our hug, our song, our kiss, my tears, my hurt, my pain, your bliss.

Would we still expect good, if in our minds we knew that one of lifes biggest let downs is "its to good to be true." Would we still let our feelings and emotions build inside? Would we try to mask the excitement shown by our smiles?
Theres no where to hide
Why do we build ourselves up for such a big let down, then realizing the statement was true, turning our smiles to frowns.
It's like starting a game that we know we cant win, and breaking promises to ourselves when we swore we wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't even know what the hell I am writing
I swear,
But to me it makes sense....
If you keep reading, maybe you will understand the very last sentence.
From here on out, when I hear the words "it's to good to be true," I want the whole world to know, that my thoughts will always be on you.

— The End —