The few years I had bad bones in my body
are years I regret.
But maybe bones shed like snake skin does
and the bad bones
withered away.
I pride myself on being a good person -
people know it
and feel safe with telling me their problems
without uttering
a word to anybody else.
But I still worry if I'm good enough to be considered
a good person.
If I said it, then I am a good person, right?
Is it enough though?
I'm not so sure.

I'm the person who cleans up after
parties -
the kind of person who makes the
host ask
"Who cleaned up?"
and leave the room wondering who the
kind guest was.
Maybe it's because it eases my
troubled mind
when I'm the only one who's awake,
but then
you come down the stairs and I feel
a sudden calm
as you hold me in your arms.

One day the sun rose
and it graced my face with light
while I still felt rain.

With you, I hang up the phone
like I’m taking a bandaid off --
swiftly and quickly.
They say that way,
there's much less pain.
Which is strange, because
I'm still able to feel some pain,
even if I pound on the "end call"
button to make not talking to you
less painful.

I have never felt more beautiful
with mascara running down my face
when you drunkenly told me you wanted
to marry me with your head in the toilet.

In the morning,
you said "I shouldn't
have said those things...

but they are very true."

When you put your hand over my heart,
I swear that's when everything changed.

When you drive,
and you see cars
in front of you
with their blinkers on
and you wait
to see when the
blinkers will all
blink together -

that's how it felt
when I was waiting
for both of our heartbeats
to be in sync with each other.

You make me feel like
I've got sunbeams
shooting out from
every pore of my being.
I never thought I'd feel
content with you not here,
all the while still craving
you behind me kissing
my neck and caressing
my hips and hands.

Visit me in my dreams tonight.

I cried
when Eleanor and Park
held hands for the first time.
Maybe it’s that memory
of a first relationship thing.
Or maybe it’s just so sweet
that it makes you a little sick
in the best way possible.
But it’s probably because
I thought about you
the entire time I read it
and about how I still can feel
every fingerprint you’ve grazed
across my skin from September to now.

Last year,
if you told us
that we would part
twice in one year,
we'd laugh in complete
disbelief and go on
******* face,
not having one single care
in the whole entire world...

...yet here we are.

More though -

there you are,

and here I am.

Now that you're gone,
the sun is brighter.
Now that you're gone,
my head doesn't hurt.
Now that you're gone,
the world seems sweeter.
Now that you're gone,
I smile so much more.

But --

you're gone.

No more.

I told myself

"You are through"

but --

I can't get you out of my head.

Now that you're gone,
I feel so empty.
Now that you're gone,
my heart aches.
Now that you're gone,
I am so alone.
Now that you're gone...
who will be there?

I know now, that I will be there.
For me.
Me and me only.

I still will love you forever,
but I am stronger than before.

Someday I'll come home
and not feel a weight
pull me into the dark --
I'll be filled with light.
For once my life won't be
empty with no knowing
for tomorrow, but instead
filled with nothing but love.
I just have to get there.

The journey is long, I know.
I've known it all my life.
But in the blink of an eye
I went from six to eighteen,
so is it really that long?
Who knows, I guess.
I'm close. Slowly and surely
I'll be getting there.

A name chosen well for you.
Every time I visited my friend,
your little feet would pit-pat-pit
right straight up to the door.
ESPECIALLY when mom came.

My friend was allergic, and
you absolutely loved my mom.
So we welcomed you with open arms
and very open hearts into our home.

When I first saw you in the house
it was strange, I wasn't used to hearing
your pit-pat-pit towards our door,
but it would be a sound that I would
give anything to hear one more time.

For six years you brought light into our house.
Sometimes you were so obnoxious,
and other days you were quiet as a mouse.
But no matter what, we loved you.

I watched you today, as the thunderstorm
went on. You were always afraid of them,
I needed to make sure you were okay.
I handed you food, your water dish,
you wanted nothing.

Then you were starting to pass.
My mother screamed and cried
as my brother and I tried to calm her.
She didn't want you to go.

But you had to.

Simple as that.

It was your time.

But we all weren't ready.

The last goodbyes were painful,
I've never seen my father cry like that.
Neither my two brothers, but I guess
that's how important you were
to each and every one of us.

And you lived up to your name.
You lived up to it, to the very last moment.
I love you little dude, and I'll miss you.
Rest in peace buddy.

We all have a door.

A door that when people knock, we can let in.

A door that we can push people out as well.

Once you exit the door, it's hard to re-enter.

Especially when the owner of the door made you exit.

So, please.

Keep me in.

For God's sake keep me in.

I can only push and shove against you so long before it gets

tiresome after every attempt to shove me out.

I understand how this is though; this, thing consumes you.

It takes the best part of you and pushes it

not just out the door, but in a black bottomless pit where

all the happiness can never even try to return.

It ***** up everything good you have in this world

and makes it all seem wrong. You keep all the bad

which it morphs itself into words you say to yourself

and the muscles in your body to give you that

ability to push people away.

But please, with all you can,

don't push me out.

If you do, I'll understand. And I'll try to stay

with all the strength I can muster up,

because I did this to you once, and now

I understand how it feels to be this alone.

But please, don't push me out for long,

because I want to stay.

But I'm not that strong to take you on.

The bad things keep getting stronger and

I'm afraid I won't be staying.

But I won't give up without a fight.

I'll fight even when my armor is broken

and my muscles are tired.

I won't give up.

I just won't.

Life lately is a bunch of
deadlines and running out of's
and it just won't stop.
You're running out of space
on your hard drive!
The deadline to pay this off
is April 20th!
My life feels shrunk
in a matter of time
of when I have to do this
or when I have to do that.
I wonder if that's all
life will be for me when
I become an adult.
Deadlines and Running Out Of's.
I'm not looking forward to that.

A new start,
something fresh.
Friends look at you
with wide eyes
erasing all the previous
times you had met
with this new time,
all from something simple.
Something fresh.
A haircut.
Although going from
long flowing wavy
strawberry blond hair
to dark pixie short
brunette colored hair
is quite the difference...
but it's something fresh.
Something new.
Something great.
Exhilarating.
Exciting.
Wonderful.

Let us be one again;
to run through the rain
and laugh when we fall,
but knowing we'll pick
the other one up and
brush them off.
I do miss you dearly,
and I know you miss me.
And I know we have to wait
until we get life settled.
But can't we do it together?
Of course I can wait,
but for how long?

Everyone has things they go through.
And your things are the worst I've heard.
Life hasn't handed you an easy card,
and with that card, you've played it well.
Nothing you've done this year or last
has been played incorrectly. I'm proud of you.
You have a strong head on your shoulders,
you're doing well for what's happening.
But please remember these things:
You don't have to have that strong head
all of the time. When you're alone, and the
memories flood all at once, cry. Nobody
will think you're weak at all.
When the memories flood, let them flood,
because pretending nothing ever happened
will only leave you with regrets.
You and your family are the only important
ones in your life. Keep them close to your heart,
especially in the tough times ahead.
Don't be afraid to yell over the mountains
for help, somebody will come to your rescue.
But especially remember, that you are great.
Nothing will be able to get past you.
Feel the sun shine on your face, and know
that you're loved. By everyone.

I lie awake at night
wondering about what
will and could be.
Although I've come
to terms with not being
able to expect anything,
I still can't seem to stop
remembering the
late nights talking.
You were so easy to
open up to when my
days were cloudy.
I abused the power though,
which is why you slipped
from my fingers like
water sliding down skin.
I remember almost
everything, even the things
I don't want to remember
because they bring me
pain to think of...
both good, and bad memories.
I suffer through remembering
bad times, and I recollect
and sadly sigh over the
wonderful memories.
In the past few days,
I've come to terms with the
fact that part of me
cannot and will not
let you go without fighting.
I have time though, lots.
A little less than a months worth.
Then we meet again and
discuss how we want to
go about our lives again.
Like I said, I can't expect
anything, and I won't.
But for some reason I can't
let you go, and that's the
hardest thing about all this.
I read The Notebook and
wonder if we truly had that
Noah and Allie love.
I think we did, and still do.
But only time can tell if
that's true or not.

Uffda, is a word
that us Minnesotans
use quite a lot
to express a lot of things.
Explained on Wikipedia
on how it can be used --
"It can be used as an expression of
surprise, astonishment, exhaustion,
relief and sometimes dismay."
Which explains what we had.

I was surprised when you told me
in your car that summers evening
that you had strong feelings for me.
It made me feel excited and happy
that someone who had their head
on straight had strong feelings
for a girl who had countless
issues she was dealing with.
UFFDA!!!!

I was astonished when we first
exchanged "I love you's" with
each other. It felt real, and strong,
and for the first time, I actually
felt it back for someone. It
lasted for almost ever, as we
explored the world with
each other. It was real, and
it was so beautiful.
Uffda!

I was dismayed when what we had
started to fray and break apart.
Nothing we did was good enough
for the other. All we did to help
ourselves and each other just
ended in failure.
Uffda...
Then, when we got back together,
I went back to astonishment. Through all
we went through, I was happy
enough that you were still in my
life in the way we both wanted.
Uffda, right?

And then, I was exhausted.
I couldn't keep up with the
sadness. I couldn't keep up the
affection when nothing was
brought back to me. That's when
you told me that you lost the
feelings. Which is when I started
to comfort you. It sounds crazy, but
just because I sat in your car
and comforted you as you told me
how you wanted to love me again
but just couldn't, doesn't mean that
I didn't watch you drive farther
and farther from my house
with tears in my eyes and a very
heavy heart. I wiped my tears away
and swiftly walked upstairs so nobody
asked me why I was crying so hard.
uffda... [insert tears]

Now, I'm dismayed again.
On my way to relief.
It will be a long road,
but someday I will say
Uffda. to all that happened
in a tone of relief.

I figured out.
The root of all sad.
It was just in me.
My resolutions
were to leave
the past behind
and I couldn't
until I found
the root of
this sadness.
And I had it.
All along.
Without
realizing it
until almost
too late.
People may
have helped in
making me
this sad,
but I have
prolonged the
existence of it.
Goodness,
That can't
be healthy.
But in order
to make me
happy,
I must let
everything go.
Even the
anger I feel
for you for
some petty
thing.
Even the
sadness
I felt when
not getting
into that
college.
Even the
regret about
not caring
enough in
school.
Let it go.
Let it all fly.
Out the window.
And to never
haunt me again.

I know I am breathing
and living life well as I can
Life is going horribly
but I still strive on.
When life hands you lemons
you make the best
lemonade possible.
But when things
are just too hard,
you have to
take things away and
realize what is more
important to you.
So I bid you all adieu,
but I promise just
for awhile.
I know I don't post often,
but I wanted to
let you all know.
I'm okay, I promise.
But it's time for me
to look at my life
in a new direction.

How far away can you drift
to realize you've gone too far?
Is it at the point where you find
you've completely lost your way?
When you try and reach someone
but there's no signal to be found?
Or is it when you start to notice the
flaws in the structure and you sink?
I'm lost, my dear.
Please help me
find the way back
to your heart
before we start
to sink.

I feel as if
I drift lately.
There's something
telling me
that "I'm meant
for something
better.
Better place,
better life,
even;
better me.

The better me
needs come from
the better life,
but I need to be in
a better place.

betterbetterbetterbetterbetter

But writing a poem
won't do me
any good.