Why** can't I be happy?

Actually...
                 why can't I feel it?

                                                    I know I'm loved,
                                      but my mind can't comprehend it...

                                            My anxiety just screams
                                          "NOBODY LOVES YOU!"
                                        "YOU'LL LOSE THEM ALL!"
                               Maybe I should just push everyone away now
                                  and find comfort within these four walls.

                           Because it seems like If I have nothing left to lose
                 I'll no longer have to go through with this self mental abuse.

I heard the car leave.
He left with my dreams,
which I still couldn't believe
Incomplete and shattered.
I was sitting in the corner
as the night stole in.
The sky looked as pale as my
face when I looked into
the mirror.
My love for him was
blistering.
It was warm, untamed and
Vehement.
My heart sunk and my
body was floating.
My soul was wondering,
craving his fake love and allegiance.
My heart was filled with poison
and my mind with flashbacks.
He stabbed my heart with his
poisonous malicious words.
He had destroyed the glitter
in my eyes.
I felt used, I was again a
victim of the same game but
this time I heard him screaming
her name.
Before I could take a step back
he had captured most of my heart
and poisoned it with his phony love.
The cologne of his shirt and the song
he sang that only I could hear
kept lingering in my mind.
How could I let him go when
he looked so much like an
angel?
He had a smile that could light
up my entire world but his
poweful heinous words broke
the ***** that pumped my blood.
He left peacully and quietly
smoking his last
cigarette setting my world on
fire.
And I sat there admiring the
beauty of the view that was
burning.

When we were young, all things were new
The rising sun, the morning dew.
Through you I saw the ocean first,
From stormy eyes I saw the surf.
I tasted summer in your lips
The flavor of the brackish mist
That lingered on with days and years
That veil of time was thin and sheer.
When we were young the summer months
Seemed everlasting, endless once.
Heated asphalt, mosquito'ed creeks
We dipped our toes to beat the heat.

When we were young, immortal then
I never thought there'd be an end...
I never thought I'd move away
I never dreamt you wouldn't stay...
I never thought when we were young
Your final song would go unsung,
I never thought there'd come a day
Your final words- you'd never say.

When we were young
When we
Were young
When
We
Were
Young
I never thought
You'd die.

I want to be one with you.
Like a flower rising each day
Extending its leafy arms to the universe
Chin aimed high, hair flowing with the breeze,
And when you pick me I wish to remain in your hands until you take your last breath.
Pick me and I will thrive within your palms
I will not shrivel like the rest.
My roots will find a way into your heart
And there I will find peace.
I will find goodness and wholesomeness,
And you should see me every day and smile.
I will bring you hope.
I will bring you happiness.
I can imagine that this is what it would feel like to be one with you.

When you're around
Someone slips down the thermostat
Plays it like a violin
Drifting a decent toward
The most poignant Minor cord.
I feel lost within myself
Like an island watching a beautiful ship
Sail by without stopping.

And yet-
You leave and it aches;
Hurts like the thud of pulse
Behind a ripening bruise...
Feels as though my heart is about to
Rend my ribs and squelch
Painfully though the cracks
To slither away in your general direction.

In your absence
I realize that simple things
Can grow into necessity.
Tiny seedlings who take root
Can somehow cross time to become
A redwood with roots so deep
The foundation of the earth is never the same
When it falls.
Air is everywhere
And yet when its gone
Beneath tidal waves
It's more precious than gold;
Riches mean nothing when you're drowning.

She faded into the shadows
        of the love
             she wished she could forget
She solemnly swore
        to drown herself
               in the memory of her regret
Her eyes burned at the sight
         of the lost love
             she'd erased years ago
Her thoughts wondered
         and traveled to places
               she never meant to go
Life attacked her before
         she was even ready
                to feel the pain
Love forced her into the storm
         before she'd even
                 experienced **the rain

Every song you ever said was about me
I play on repeat
Singing along to all the words that hopefully still mean something
Titles and tracks that shuffle on a loop
Somehow constantly reminding me of you
And I can't seem to forget the words you wrote too
But what means the most
Is something only you can do
When you sing to me
And I can feel that every word is true

The first time your name kissed my lips
I knew this was it
I didn't know if you were just charming
Or if something about you was magic
But you stole my heart from the beginning
And I don't think I'll ever need it back
I have faith that you'll keep it safe
Constantly keeping me on track

Sometimes I wonder if you realize who you are
I've watched you grow, up close and from afar
Seen the subtle changes and what you've gone through
I can't take the pain away but I'm always here for you
That may sound a little cliche
But I don't care
A love like ours can't be faked

The first time I heard my name on your tongue
I knew the beginning of my life had just begun
I'm not sure if you knew it then
But you were my world, always have been
From the first moment your poetry spoke to my soul
I knew that without you I could never be whole

Sometimes I truly wonder if you realize who you are
To me? You're my best friend, my lover and my shining star
I would never change that for the world
And I hope I can forever be your baby girl