I text him at 5:50 in the morning to tell him a group of butterflies is called a kaleidoscope.
Because it is.
And because I'd looked that up, having had the feeling that I'm full of an army of butterflies all trying to free themselves.
I worry that if I'm not vigilant enough they'll get free and I'll just scatter, not be anymore.
Maybe we're all that way, made up entirely of unruly butterflies.
I wonder if everyone else is just a better butterfly wrangler than I am.

What does my future hold
The untold story of me would be helpful to see
the next step to make
My name: Mistake
I'll make my name known often
To walk a straight path in this combat zone of fear
My name is proclaimed loud and clear for all to hear daily
With every land mine hit is a word audibly heard
                          
           "You were a mistake of a husband, I shouldn't of married you"

"It was a mistake staying with you for all of these years"

                  
                   I tried hard to defuse the explosives awhile ago
                   Believing the meadow was clean of the obscene
But I refused to take the time needed to re-fuse each bomb correctly


Sincerely:
Mistake

What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.

That is where you walk
On the golden path paved
By frozen hearts like mine

This is where I walk
On the lonely and dark trails, which light is taken
By shining hearts like yours

That is your atmosphere
Filled with birdsong singing in joy and cheer
Birds that feed on fright felt by breached hearts like mine

This is my atmosphere
Polluted and dismantled
Abandoned by hope lead away by believing hearts like yours

We are as divided
I in this dim world with thunder and agony
You in that gleaming world full of happiness and liberality

Inbetween us a dash
I cannot reach your world
And in a flash, it is gone
Now nothing but grumpy monsters and dark rooms
My memory is captured by you, and my eyes caught by the moon