I turn 20 in a couple days...
I remember hearing about what you did to my mom when she was 20.
How you took advantage,
How you decided her future for her.
She was probably so hopeful and full of life...
Then you came in and knocked her up.
Told her she wasn’t worth it.
Promised her that you would treat the baby as horrible as you treated her.
You claimed she and I ruined your life.
You were “so young”.
She was only 20.
If anything you ruined her life.
With me,
With the memory of you.
If you look at me, would you have justified what you did to her at only 20 years old?

My heart yerns for inspired words.
But I don’t have them.
I could write about my blessings but people only like poetry when it hurts.
I could write about pain but I’m determined to live life like it doesn’t hurt right now.
Even though it’s excruciating.
I feel so much yet have no clue how to express it.

They say that every 7-10 years your body is completely renewed.

How refreshing is it to know that the body I have now was never touched by your hands?

She feels sad and broken.
To her, hopelessness is now just an emotion.
She looks at her Bible and sees nothing worth reading.
She doubts and feels like she cannot pray.
“Where did you go?” She calls out to the God that was always supposed to be there.
“I’m lonely, I don't feel you anymore. How do I know you are even there?”
She whispers underneath her sleepy breath as she doses off to sleep, pleading to feel something by morning.

You aren't here anymore
and it's tearing me apart.
You were the one who showed me my wings,
you gave me reasons to keep going.
You told me to keep writing.
So I will write for you.
Thank you
for showing me that I am worth saving.

I've had an eating disorder since I was 13 years old.
I ate and ate to fill the void I had, the intense abandonment and anxiety issues I was dealing with.
Then I came out the other side and I would take so many weight loss pills to make me sick and I took so many laxatives to make me have to run to the bathroom every hour.
I restricted my eating, counted my calories and I would go on 72-hour fasts.
Then something happened, I went on a mission trip and I was forced to eat food. I was forced to like what I was eating and I liked it.
Eating wasn't so bad. I wasn't eating myself sick and I wasn't starving myself to insanity.
When I got back I had gained almost all the weight I had lost and I was so upset.
But I didn't have it in me to continue to starve myself again.
I've gained a lot of weight but I don't care anymore. Now I just want to be healthy and love myself regardless of what I look like.
And you should too.

Dear 12 year old self,

don't believe him when he says that he'll never leave again.

don't believe him when he says he'll be back in six months.

don't believe him when he says that you didn't love him anyways.

don't even think for a moment, that he is good enough to be apart of your life.

Just don't, never, ever again.
                                                                                                    Love,
                                                                            your 19 year old self

Changing your last name won’t get rid of the ache in your heart.
Don’t believe him when he tells you that you are making a mistake.
Remember that he never had a right in the first place.
You are worth a fight. Even though he never fought for you.
And that this man who raised you desperately wanted you to love me the way he does.
Being adopted really is the greatest gift you can receive.

Love,
Your 20 year old self.

Maybe I always try to reach out because
I still have a thread of hope that you’ll be there.
And that you’ve changed.
But your not.
And you don’t.
And I don’t think you ever will.

Life always brings in the unexpected.
The unexpected blessings and unexpected curses.
Sometimes they come in the same form.
That's why they call it a blessing and a curse.
They even disguise themselves as the other.
“A blessing in disguise.” or “I knew that was too good to be true.”
And that’s what you were, unexpected, at first a blessing,
But now I’m not really sure.
Because the smile on my face calls you a blessing.
But my underwear on the floor that was taken off by your hands calls you a curse.
So maybe you are both, you are two things in one form.
I can learn to love both sides of you.

The darkness came over her at a very young age.
The age where a child should be happy… be free.
For she was no longer free, set in chains like a slave.
She told no one, how could she tell anyone?
Which became the chains of slavery  that little girl bore.
She longed, she dreamed to be free.
But held on knowing that it was the only thing keeping her alive.
But as months grew into years, as she became older,
the hope drained from her once green eyes.
There was no more hope.
She knew she wouldn't seem again, only in her haunted nightmares would she see his cold, lifeless body searching for someone to hold onto…
Something like her.
She cried.
She screamed.
Those chains kept her from innocence.
Those chains broke her, she couldn't be strong anymore.
Those chains kept her from love, kept her from trust.
She lay convinced that no one could help her, understand her, love her.
She couldn't see Me.
I understood what she was going through.
I loved her more than anyone ever could.
I tried to help but the grudge she had only kept Me away.
I knew she was angry with Me for taking her father away from what she thought was too soon…
She didn't know I took him up here.
With Me.
She only knew that I took him from her.
That's why she fought,
Why she hid.
She put on those chains hoping they would comfort her.
Too soon figure out that they made her feel worse.
Isolated. And alone.
She just didn't know that she would see him again very soon.
She didn't know those chains were drowning her in a life she didn't want.
I cried for her.
My beautiful child who just didn't yet understand.
She just didn't know how much she was loved.
Then finally she broke.
As I stood behind her ready to catch her broken soul,
I whispered into her ear, “I love you.”
Then out of the chains and into my arms she fell.

Someday we will meet again and I will have the chance to forgive you for leaving on such short notice.

Maybe that same day we will meet and you will have the chance to apologize for leaving on such short notice.


Someday... Maybe...

Somethings are better after.
You go somewhere and you find that your soul can be free.
You see new things that shape your views.
You meet people you can’t imagine living without.
And the people you thought you couldn’t live without seem to fade a little.
But maybe that’s not a bad thing.
Because when you come back and it all brings tears to your eyes.
You know that you will never be the same.
And that is definitely not a bad thing.

Stand out in the pouring rain.
Feel the drops on your skin.
Look at the sky even though it hurts.
The pain is a reminder that you are alive.
Feel your soaked clothes and your drenched hair.
They remind you that you are present in this moment.
Look to where the clouds are traveling.
Then look to where they have already been.
The blue sky and the dark sky seamlessly merged together.
Remember that even though you walked away you were creating something new.
Cleansing yourself in the purest form.
Finding the person you were meant to be.

Don’t tell me this is how it is now.
Don’t tell me thanks when I say I love you.
Don’t tell me that I don’t do enough for you.
Don’t tell me that I do not care.
Don’t tell me I don’t love you.

I have given you the world.
I have sacrificed so much.
I have loved you with my entire being.
I have given you my all.
When will you give me yours?

The truth is, is that I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that one day in twenty years you’ll wake up and you’ll be tired of me.
That you won't be excited to see me anymore.
I'm afraid of giving you my all because if I do and you decide to walk away you’ll take all that I have.
That's why I hang on, and every time you tell me that you will never leave.
There's a voice in my head that whispers “He's going to leave you eventually."
So I smile and nod, and try to let myself believe that what you say is true.
But this endless doubt that runs through my head makes it impossible.

The way you made me feel was unbelievable.

And for you I would do anything.

And unfortunately that is my biggest flaw.

What is this i feel?
                            A sense to speak,
             A need to say something.
                                                     Yet the words,
      They fail me.
                  Yet the feelings,
                                     They go away.
                                                   I sit in words i cannot say aloud,
In the void of nothing.
          I feel nothing.

I.
                                                    ­       Am nothing.

                Mirrors are bullies,
                           Fathers are abusers,
Toilets are comforters,
                                                     ­    Yet I still feel nothing.
         Yet I cannot find the words…
                        to express the nothing I feel.
Why?
                                                      ­     Why do I hurt?

               No one understands,
                                     I don't understand.
    I am an empty well.

         Why do I continue to swallow pills to make me sick?
                              He tells me I am beautiful…

                              She tells me I am not fat.

   How come I roll?
                                                          How come I don't fit in like they do?

                                                  Why do continue to write him letters?

                           How come he hasn't showed up in seven years?

    How come no matter how many times I tell him

                                                            ­                      I forgive his abuse
                I still get angry
                                               And want to die?
  Why do I want
                 What everyone seems to be so afraid of?
                                                             ­         Death
So sweet
                                       Asleep forever.
                                                                ­  In a place where I don't have to
                Feel
                                            The
Nothing
                                                                ­ That
                         I am.

I feel worthless
No one truly cares
I have a God who I’m almost convinced hates me.
He will never save me from this pit.
I feel like I have no purpose.
Like I just float around existing.
But not living.
I feel hopeless
And I feel like it’s all my fault.
I don’t even know what the truth is anymore.
Because every time I start believing it
It changes.
And what’s the point then?
If everything you thought was true
Just isn’t anymore?

If I spoke to you again would I have the courage to tell you the truth?

Would I be able to yell at you like you deserve and actually hear me? Would you apologize for everything you did and didn't do?

Or would you have a stubborn heart and refuse to see my side of things?

I hope that one day we can meet again and I can call you out on everything truth you made a lie and every promise you broke and maybe.

Just maybe I can stop writing about you and write about something that matters.

I am slowly coming to peace with who I am.
And with what happened to me.
I still feel sad.
I still feel anxious.
Anxiety loves to sneak back in and push me around.
But I'm trying to stay positive.
Trying to keep an open mind.
I know the sun will rise tomorrow,
and I know that I will be okay.

My world is beginning to shake again.
The ground is starting to crack,
The houses I built are starting to crumble.
I spent so much time fixing my houses,
Planting flowers in the ground to make it look presentable.
Flawless.
Perfect.
And again, I am starting to break
All over again.

It comes in waves now.
It's funny the kind of things that trigger it.
A certain word
A certain place
A certain smell.
Then it all comes flooding back in and you go back to that moment
You think of the things you should have done differently
If only you had known what would happen.
"If I had known I could have stopped it." You say in your mind.

But you have to remember that these things happen for a reason and what happened was not your fault and getting past it has made you the amazing person you are today.

It'll all be okay.

I think of you as the sun.
Brightly shining down on my world.
Giving me what I so desire.
But then there comes a time where you disappear.
And I get cold.
I get scared of the dark and cry until I see you appear again.
I crave your attention
Long for your touch,
I am addicted to the way you feel.
You are the sun.
And I am a flower.

Grow
Learn
Shine
God knows you deserve it.
And if, on your journey, we meet again.
I won't be hostile
I will give you a warm smile
I will offer some encouragement.
If we are meant to be, then honey we will be.

Hey, it’s been a while.
Truth is I’ve been lost...
I’m still lost. But I’m getting to where I need to be.
I can feel it.
Just be patient with me, while I find the person I’m meant to be.