"Remember?" She said.

"When you were that small?" As she holds up a photo of you dressed like a fairy for Halloween at 4 years old.

You nod and smile but you don't remember a thing about that night.

The things you remember are not like that.

You remember nightmares you thought were real that wouldn't allow you to sleep without a nightlight to keep the monsters out of your room at night.

You start to remember the way he touched you telling you its a special way that he loves you.

You remember bathing next to your baby sister and not getting a second bath when she peed, or worse in the tub because your parents couldn't afford that much for water.

You remember going on three-hour walks with your anorexic mom who was fading away into skin stretched around bone.

You remember promising yourself that you never want to be that thin.

You remember breaking that promise the first time you threw up that meal.

You remember breaking, and how you are breaking again and again.

So I ask.
Please do not wait for me.
Because while  you will be stuck in the game that it is
I will be free, moving, and experiencing new things.
I do not want you to be so consumed with hope that when it fails you it also destroys you.
Trust me. I have waited.
And I have been crushed by the entity of time with no hope of return.
I am just finding my way back.
And I won't let that cycle reach you too.

You were a dream
And like all dreams, they cannot be only reached for…
And I was too lazy to work for it.
Because like all dreams they start to fade
And I couldn’t remember why you were worth it anymore.

My mom is like a sunflower, always pointed at the sun.
Taking in its warmth, receiving life.
What she gives is beauty to the beholder, she is beautiful and delicate but no where near fragile for the thorns she grew protects her from all sorts of weeds and hands wanting to pick at her.
She is strong and when something picks at her petals she smiles, and grows more.
And she doesn’t fail to give me shade under her bright yellow petals
She never forgets to make me smile on the bad days and she always reminds me of the beautiful things in life, even when she herself can’t see them sometimes.
She is beautiful and strong.
She is just like a sunflower.

like i will never forget the smell of your skin...
never forget the presence of my soul...

I’ve prayed for him to come back,
But coming back wasn’t part of the plan.
I’ve prayed for the cancer to go away,
But the cancer’s plan is to stay.
I’ve prayed for some understanding,
But was too confused to see the point.
I don’t know why things happen
But they do.
I’ve prayed for you to hear me,
But you covered your ears to ignore me.
I don’t have a clue about what is going on,
But I know that there is a plan.  
So I’ll sit tight with my legs crossed,
Maybe someday all these things,
Will have to mean something?

I didn’t know that you needed help too.
Maybe if I knew then then things would be different.
But the thing is, I still needed you.
I needed you to be strong.
To tell me it was it all going to be okay.
That I would fall, break, get up, and climb again.
I wanted you to tell me that I didn’t have to suffer in silence.
But I suffered. And I stayed silent.
I might be strong but I would have rathered had a friend.

Something I will always look forward to is holding your hand when its old and wrinkly
And when I look up I see the same young eyes I met so many years ago wrapped around in the roadmap of where life took us upon your face.
How the hair I ran my fingers through is now wispy and white.

Something I look forward to is seeing our children grow from needing us all the time to not needing us at all.
I cannot wait to see your smile bordered up with my eyes in a little person we created out of love.

Beyond all, I will look forward to the day we stand in front of all our friends and family and say I do.

But right now I will hold your hand, I will run my fingers through your hair and I will be thankful that I have your heart and you have mine.
And we will wait until that day because it will be so worth it.

Maybe one day I'll share with you all the things I learned when I

danced amongst the stars.

In the days when she felt lonely
When she didn’t see the point.
She was reminded to look up at the sun
So the light would hurt her eyes.
And she would remember that she was alive.
The pain was there for a reason.
That’s what kept her going.

Tell me something.
about you, that you've never told anyone before.
Tell me something.
that you noticed and made me stand out to you.
Tell me something.
the reason you are still breathing.
Tell me something.
what stars are made of.
Tell me something.
how you grew from heartbreak.
Tell me something.
your secret for living so beautifully on this earth.
Tell me something.
that matters.

Haven’t called in a year
Haven’t sent a package
Or a letter
Why not Dad?
Where are you?
Why do you always have to leave?
It’s not what Dads do
Please come home soon.
Tomorrow’s my Birthday
I’m turning seven
You promised you’d be back by now
But your not,
You missed my 5th, 6th, and now 7th
That’s three years
I wish you could try to come home by my next birthday
I write and talk to you every day
I hope you know that
I hope you talk to me too
And I hope you’re still alive
And tell me that you are
I have to go to bed now
It's morning your time
I hope you have a good day
And every day I remind myself,
That maybe someday
Somehow you will come home.

You have been through quite a lot. I have put you through quite a lot, and I wanted to say I’m sorry. You did not deserve what I put you through, yet you still remain strong which amazes me. I’m sorry for all the hurt I put on you, the sleepless nights, biting my lips until they bled, the countless meals I made you skip, and the amount of food I shoved into you. You cried out for me to stop but I didn't listen, I was trying so hard to find my voice and I wasn’t willing to listen to you.
    I put you aside after he touched you where he wasn't supposed too. Everything reminded me of those nights, when I was all alone, with no one to save me. I resented you because you looked so much like him and I wanted nothing to do with it. But that wasn’t your fault and it was nothing I could control. I am sorry for not giving you a chance.
    My body, you are beautiful, not too fat. You are strong, not too weak, and you have overcome such horrible things. I’m sorry I didn't feed you when you were hungry and when I kept feeding you when you had too much to eat. I’m sorry for giving you away so quickly to a boy I hardly even knew. I'm sorry for straightening my hair enough to burn it to make it look like everybody else’s, and not like his. I’m sorry for covering you up with so much makeup so I didn't have to see the same cheeky smile he has. And I'm sorry I never gave my nails a break from constant nail polish, cutting, and sanding down so my hands looked nothing like his. He broke me and I punished you for it, because you look so much like the bad guy in my dreams. And to my heart and brain, I’m sorry for not giving you the time to process the feelings, I'm sorry for not giving you the opportunity to rest and heal from it all. Instead I worked you too hard and let people walk all over us to not cause anymore chaos. There was an earthquake inside of me for so long and now what's left are beautiful mountains that I intend to climb, and hike, and enjoy the journey and reminisce on all the things that got me to where I am. Now I'll get to enjoy the view.
    I will make a change to listen to you, and let you have a voice. Now I will give you the best of what you deserve and never settle for anything less. I thank God for you and I only hope that with time I will learn to love you as much my God does, and as much as my husband does. Because you are worthy of this love. And I can't wait to love you harder.

With love,
Me.

the way she gets up every day after all she has been through
all that she is still going through
that is pure strength
that is a beautiful thing.

My soul aches for a time when you will apologize.
You are a poem I have written over and over.
I want to stop writing about ghosts and shadows.

I want to write about the sun,
I want to write something you will sob over.
I want you to ache as much as I have.
I want you to write me down as something beautiful,
as your biggest regret.

I want to take it,
I want to mass produce it,
I want to hang it on the fridge,
I want to tattoo it on my face,
I want to make you realize that narcissists are nothing but slugs,
and you, were the king.