i should have known
the day you drove the wrong way
on the interstate
to steer clear of your path
we did not have to be in love
for you to leave a hole in my heart

you were the rising sun
creeping over my horizon,
filling my skies with dazzling bursts
of deep ambers and lavenders and crimsons
sending heat waves coursing through me
brushing the edges of my clouds
your silhouette imprinted on my eyelids
your shadow stuck to my feet
your taste scorched the roof of my mouth
i felt you in every inch of my skin
and i didn't mind at all

You always had to be strong but I
wanted to believe I could see through you
I traced your outline and
tried not to flinch when you
sliced my fingertips

I quickly learned that love is not fear
fear is when you called me
and told me you didn't love your father
your words wrapped around my throat and
pressed heavy on my chest and I
finally felt you
not in my heart but in
the marrow of my bones

You had seen things that I
could not bear to hear but I
had to bear them for you
I heard your mother's leg snap
and you shatter on the ground and I
stood over the fractures of you with
my needle and thread and
cried for the parts of you that would
never be the same

then I picked up a shard
and carved your name in my skin so I
could see you in rich, romantic crimson
but as the tides rose, I
inhaled the ocean water, I
let go of your hand, I
let my tears join the salty expanse
and swore on that night I
would never cry again

The dawn broke and the sun saw
a different world, with
your broken pieces at the bottom
of the sea, and
the soles of my feet have healed, but
you still sleep in the sand, scraping
the skin of those who have strayed
too far from the surface.

as i left
i set fire
to every word i ever wrote for you
so that it meant
as much to me
as it did to you
nothing at all

since we learned to speak, we have only
spat out the words before us
repeating remarks we hear and see
with impotent intonation;
the pretense to make it our own
we are watery reflections
longing to move freely, by ourselves;
to feel the wind whip wildly 'round
to scrape our knees on uneven ground
but we lie on the surface,
repetition rippling through our shallow skin
perhaps, one day, we shall learn
to stand
and to create

i know that soon
you'll be gone
out of sight
but i will still see you
between the lines of my favorite book
hear you
in the songs of my favorite cd
taste you
in the sugar in my coffee every morning

darling, you'll be
the space between the stars
and the dips of the moon
you'll be the crashing wave
that keeps knocking me off my feet
and the salt in the tears on my cheek
so forgive me if i do not say goodbye --
i'll be seeing you again

Tonight I'll wear
the black dress that never left my closet
hear it rip when the
backs of my thighs meet the cold piano bench
my stiff fingers will scratch the keys,
eliciting aching ivory groans
I'll wear it in the shower and shiver
as icy water skims my skin
I'll press our polaroids to my tongue
and chew you up
you'll stick to the roof
of my mouth when I swallow
and my skin will turn angry red
because my body always knew
what a bad idea you were.
I'll wear my youth like a medallion
hanging where my heart should be
and soon my red eyes will
forget what it feels like to blink.
The hairs on my arms will
stand on end as my
fingernails scrape the tile on my bathroom floor
tracing the lines of old poems I burned
in your fire.
I'll bite my cracked lips, just to
remember what regret tastes like
and with hot blood fresh on my tongue,
I'll stumble to your empty house
drag my bare feet in your driveway and
silently beg you to ask me how I am.
I'll shatter your bedroom window and
almost glimpse you through the haze and
when my knees buckle I'll
collapse where your bed used to be
and for a split second
I'll think it was you beneath the sheets.
Aren't I beautiful, darling?
I wore this dress for you