i’m trying to see what you meant
-when you said she was our kind of beautiful.

our skin is the same, a pimple in the same place,
and the same hair and color.

but have you seen your eyes?
in mine they looked golden.
and then green.
and then yellow, brown and back to gold again.

i know you’ve felt my hair,
and it felt softer in your hands
-you made it beautiful.

the comb, the brush
and my only regret was i didn’t do yours.

i also remember this
-you said you liked this clip,
this dress.

well the dress is still hanging,
and you can be sure i’ll wear it,
next time.

the other girls do strange things,
but they don’t mean it.
i can explain.

it's infuriating,
like the way my laptop won’t scroll.
i can’t read the comment section.

but it also kind of feels like the intro to a song
-the first flute, the first voice, the first breath of air.
the beginning of a story.

when you add that first swab of lipstick,
it has a voice like my crush:
sweetheart, you’re gonna be beautiful.

because sweetheart,
you are so much more than beautiful.

strange -i’ve never used the word sweetheart.
but it fits, because never have i ever,
never have i ever fallen.

i swear i didn’t plan this,
but i’ll dance to this music i’ve made.
it’s great music.

offbeat though, isn’t it?
because i think i’m dancing to another beat,
and wondering if you can do it too.

the other girls, they think you can’t dance,
but they don’t know anything about us.

honestly, you’re the only one of those girls,
the only one that exists.
i wish the others knew i was here for you.

his voice is like smoke and stars,
and a sad soft guitar,
outlined with hope.

so much hope
-so much strength,
so much that’s gone.

you look up to the skies
-something beautiful has happened,
and now you’ve begun to face the tragedy that came with it.

feet move to the beat,
a hand pulls you along,
but that hand let go.

and suddenly your
feet are made of stone,
dance no longer.

he understands,
and translates.
velvet, hope, heartbreak.

it’s not just lovers,
it’s not just lovers,
that cause heartbreak.

you and us and all of us,
we were good and we did it
-we broke each other’s hearts.

nobody really knew,
but even though you,
you didn’t know me.

you became the closest person,
because i didn’t have anyone,
or let anyone hold me while i cried.

but you -just you,
you did hold me somehow,
everything you did was like a blanket.

when i doubted them,
when they weren’t enough,
you.

a warm embrace,
a translator for a girl without words,
smoke, stars, and soft guitar.

we are like stars, like dying embers,
clusters of us and only one
explodes.

my dreams have turned me into desire,
and i wonder where my desire will take me,
i wonder what my desire will make me.

will i be like star, or ember,
or will i be like the fireworks at night,
the ones no one notices until they explode.

that boom sounds like my heartbeat
-it’s still looking for a beat.
hasn’t found one yet.

hasn’t found one yet,
but it seems to beat for you.

darling, you know i love the stars.
at night, they light up the sky,
they’re brilliant and i can’t not love them.

you’re a star of mine,
brilliant,
but do you fade?

in the morning, will you still seem
bright,
or beautiful?

are you even there?

i’m scared you only glow at night,
and that my eyes will lose you,
and my heart will just beat somewhere else.

will you stay in the morning,
or will you be gone
like the fireworks last night?

the first night, it was you.
there was no sky, and it was nothing.
but your name brought me to the edge.

the next night, it was the sky and the stars.
i didn’t think about you.
i was under the sky and in the water.
it had begun to grow cold,
and i had started to shiver.
but i was alone in the water.
i could lay on my back and i could see the stars.

a day later, i couldn’t not think about you.
i’m addicted to you.
the water was a cool blue and i imagined that you’d come with me.
see, the walk was really really long.
but i’d have liked it more if i’d held your hand.
i think the water would have been
something
if you’d laughed as the spray hit our faces.

your name seems to be my edge.
the only reason i’m a bit normal is you.
part of the reason i love is you.
my thoughts hit walls,
push these boundaries.

they were so carefully set up,
but not for you.
you were what i didn’t consider.

i didn’t consider where your name made me go.
i didn’t know how consuming this was.
i didn’t know that every view made me wonder what i would feel,
what i would feel if you were there.

our love doesn’t exist.
but i can tell you about our love.

our love is like gold dust in a miner’s pan,
soft and glimmering, sparkes lost in the world,
thrown haphazardly across the sky.

our love is warm like a summer evening and gentle like the cool breeze you feel when you
fly on playground swings.

our love is that pent-up feeling before a rainstorm,
charged air and a sense of something to come.

our love is like the rainstorm,
soft and loud and enriching.
it’s in the air i breathe, and i’d breathe it all the time.

our love is like blueberries in a red wagon
-aesthetic, cold and sweet.
i taste every time i encounter you.

our love is the curious look on girl’s face,
awkward and longing to know,
to accept this feeling.

the feeling that doesn’t exist.