My Name is Caroline
by me

My name is Caroline.
It always has been.
It always will be.
But for some reason, I don’t associate myself with it.
No—reason isn’t the right word.
It just doesn’t feel right.

Caroline was always too much.
Too long.
Too hard to spell.
And don’t get me started on the endings:
Carolin, Carolina, Carol, Caro, Carolinchen.
I’ve been called many names—
But never the right one on the first try.

I used to resent my parents for that.
They said, Caroline, because you’re special.
You’re not common like the other Carolins and Carolinas out there.
They wanted me to be different.
And they succeeded.
But maybe I took it the wrong way.

Because with every introduction came a “but,”
And with every Caroline,
came a “You can just call me Caro—
or, in Portuguese, Carol.”
And don’t forget: it’s spelled with a C.
Because I’m special, right?

But what should have been special
Started to feel like a necessity.
The nickname—normally meant for friends,
Or intimate family—became my name.

Because of course it’s shorter,
Easier to spell.
You don’t have to worry about the ending either.
Just four simple letters.

And it isn’t even that bad if you mess up the first one.
Because I’ve spent my whole life
Correcting teachers,
Explaining:
I’m not Carolina.
I’m not Carolin.
I’m not Carol.

I’m just me.
But I lost myself—
And my name—
In the effort of making life easier for everyone else. on others.

Perfection was created
to make us feel imperfect,
but imperfect, of course,
is the perfect thing to be.

We spend every hour of every day,
every day of every week,
trying to be different,
trying to be unique.

Our nature is to search
for answers to life's questions,
concepts we don't understand,
like "What is perfection?"

You strive to be "perfect,"
a term you don't understand.
You should be yourself
before it gets out of hand.

Surely happiness is of priority
over a word like "perfection,"
so ask yourself this,
who looks back in your reflection?

I get the call.
I get denied.
I go again
but it’s different this time.
I strip and wait
to see if they find
something about my body that they like.

I get sent the script.
I learn my lines.
I put on a new face
and don’t recognise mine.
The following minute she’s on the stage
under the spotlight soaking up the appraise.

When the audience applaud
and the last curtain falls.
I take a deep breath and smile at it all.

so you say I am not putting effort into us....
you accused me of being distant and heartless....
while I laid in bed praying you'd call me or text me.
I woke up every morning hoping to hear from you
anything from the simplest hey to the most meaningful good morning.
I would think about your eyes and how they were so blue.... how badly I wanted them to look at me.... truthfully.
I craved to know you
how you liked your coffee,
your favourite dessert
favourite season
anything.
anything to get me a glimpse of who you are.
but you shrugged me off
saying you were busy....
I respected that, I respected you.
until you said you loved me
it truly did break me....
you were such a good liar until those words slipped from you lips.
you did not love me,
you just loved yourself to much.

they say don’t let the emotions gain control over your body.
But that is *******.
Actually — let it.

Let yourself fully feel every little bit of emotion
you always tried to hide so stubbornly.

And use it.
Gain energy from it.
And use it to heal
yourself.

I could tell right from the start there was much more to your heart,
for all those little things that made you smile.
I really didn't want to want you like I did.... (do)
but there were depths to you that were so beautiful I needed more,
I craved to know that side of you.... of one so pure.
but you should have saved yourself.
I wanted to know every secret you kept hidden away inside.
I wanted to know when you spoke what was going through your brilliant mind.
there was so much more than meets the eyes.
you always chose your words before you spoke.... just another reason you should have saved yourself.
I dove in without giving you a second to breathe, forgetting everything I wasn't and everything you were.
I could tell from the very start that I weighed heavy on your heart.
If only I had the strength to turn around,
or only you the strength to save yourself.
You were just so pure, not yet tainted by this world as I.
you knew of sorrow, but not yet have it break you.... until I.
really you should have saved yourself and find someone else.
but it was to late now....
to far in to turn around.
we let our feelings take control....
when you really should have been saving yourself....