I never understood the reason I cry before things end
is because the man that was supposed to wake up every morning and tell me I was worthy,
only ever texted me on my birthday to tell me he was proud.
As if he ever played any part in raising the person I am today.
How dare he show his face every other holiday and act as if the good in me came from him.
I've spent the last twenty years using boys to fill his void.
I've spent the last twenty years begging those to stay that were never meant to.
Because the only way I knew to recognize a man's love was in his inconsistency.
You tell me you want me but the daylight fades over and over and I haven't heard from you in two weeks.
I learned when I was 5 years old that a man's words mean nothing when his actions don't align.
I am done giving you the benefit of the doubt.

You were always loving me "despite"
I needed you to love me "because"

Must be nice

to pick and choose
when Im worthy enough

to be a part of your life


Too bad
Im not an option

How could you love someone so much that you tolerate the endless mistakes they do?
How you cover each wound with a band aid and look the other away when he pulls that band aid and digs deeper into that cut
Can you continue to look yourself in the mirror and live with the person you have become?
Is it fair that you sit by waiting leading with false hope and pretenses while he lives his best life and doesn’t give you a second thought?
When will it end? When will you realize that this he was never good for you?
You are worth more than what you sell yourself for

I could not survive you again. 
Your storm ripped me limb from limb;
I was strewn about, losing pieces of myself in the wind.
 
Lightning struck: the blow of your hand on my cheek.
Black and blue cloud-shaped bruises,
thunder rippling underneath my skin.
 
I used to like the rain, but my heart was sopping wet and
you were mad because I needed the sun more
than I needed you.
 
I was ready for flowers
to be planted within me,
not to be constantly uprooted instead.
 
I gained strength and freed myself from you, 
but that also meant I finally gained the strength to let go of the worst parts of myself too.

Do not crave me for the petals bloomed around into a beautiful bright red spread.
Do not crave me for the leaves decorated around my body in a dance with the light breeze.
Crave me for the thorns around every part of me for that is where my truth lies, where all of me is real and vulnerable.