I remember that first dose
From the gawky greeting to affecting adios
In the drunken darkness I prowled
Watching that boisterous dancing crowd
I thought you a goddess, a toothsome treat
And from the golden apple did I eat
Small bites
Became all nights
All nights blurred into days
It’s all kind of a haze
And now
I can’t take more of you
My receptors are bound by your molecules
Our relationship is a sigmoid curve
Your affinity to my nerve
An agonist, baby, is not what I need
To ween off this goddess dependency
I now just tolerate
I mean I just acclimate
But without you my heart palpitates
I am nauseous, I sweat, and I shake
An antagonist is what I seek
For I am far too weak
I mean without you I am nothing but lonely and depressed
In a dark alley needle obsessed

Take me to where you don't exist
Somewhere you could not be missed
Push me to the farthest opposite of you
The farthest side where you can't go to

Throw me away like a stone
Away to the point of the unknown
Kick me out from the scope of your being
Like an alien finally leaving

You don't have to look out for me
You have to be free
Now to be happy
So lose me.

In the beginning  it was all fun and games

It was nice to have you caring for me

The next time it happened you left me behind

I didn't care, I was feeling just fine

When I noticed it was getting out of my control

I decided I should probably stop

As hard as I could, I tried to end what you begun

As hard as I could, I just couldn't do

It was eating me from the inside out

I hated but thanked you for proving me weak.



I thought I could fight it, I can't without him

And now that he's left, there's a hole in my chest

I've tried to fill it with all I could think

His presence was just too big for me to succeed

What I thought was right was just making me numb

Now that he's gone I found out

I need him more than before



"I'll see you

In another life"

That's all you said when you left me that night

I was too proud to admit what it was

You were my drug

And once you were gone

All the symptoms showed up



Trying to replace one thing with another

Easier said than done

But I see a light at the end of this road

I thought I'd lost you

But perhaps I didn't

I know how to see you again

I'll just trace back all your steps

I will, too, leave my everything behind

But not really

Since you're all I want

SITTING, staring patiently
debating taking silent leave
to heave my bones toward reprieve
and shake off all that's shaking me.
SITTING, staring patiently
I see the demon's point in me.
I see it shine, I see it weep,
and see it when I go to sleep,
LAYING, waiting patiently.
Horribly, these foggy dreams
do less to please
than psyche needs.
I feel a presence gazing me.
LYING, waiting anxiously.
Now here it is debasingly
teasing me insatiably,
promising my every need:
LYING, hiding everything.
What do we call this foul disease?
This object overtaking me?
A spoon and needle ****** me.
LOSING, hiding everything.

Do you really think you're never gonna die
The day shall come, you'll know this was all a lie
'Tis, a four day journey
Two days of desire, two days of pie

No one knows what's gonna happen in the grave,
Once the man's put, nothing wakes up the dark eye
The punishment he pays for, is not seen but felt
The wealth he gave his life for, is nowhere at sight

His life was just the same as of a potato blight,
When he was asked to look at the beneficial light
But he didn't bat an eye at the given advice
Nor did he take a look at his hair full of lice

Everyday he would eat a full plate rice,
Still no sign of thankfulness, despite
Was he deaf, or was he blind
Even the disables are not as lost as he was at night

The whole story seemed like a joke to him,
But sorry, it's too late to make everything right (while being placed in the coffin)
Anyways it's too late to write,
Let me have an apple to bite

.
Bare feet pound along the pavement
yet there is not feeling.
The connection with the tangible solid
has with it no true healing.

The detached mind floats up high
a million miles away.
Terra firma are just empty words,
stout rock becoming clay.

As retraction of the emotions sits
apart from what is real.
A no-man's land of security shrieks
'this is what I feel'.

Withdrawal has its positive notes,
protection from the pain.
Keeping close the hearts secret safe,
never to be killed again.

Autopilots most clever disguises hide
that which should be faced.
But burying reality in cold defiance
renders it all but erased.

© Pagan Paul (29/08/17)