I’ve never had a boyfriend.
Not even close.
But that has never stopped me from wanting one.
I use to think I needed one.
Like how could I possibly go through life without a guy by my side?
But here I am at 24 (almost 25) and still no one is around.
But now I realize that I never needed one.
I didn’t need one to make good grades or get my degree.
No that was all me.
I didn’t need one to go to prom.
And that’s because I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t need one to break my heart.
No. I could do that all on my own.
I wish I could fix my broken heart myself but I can’t.
But I still don’t need one to fix my brokenness.
God is fixing my broken heart.
I’ll let you know when He’s finished.

It was a parting word
And a kiss on the cheek
That proceeded
To teach
That sometime we
Are only what we are right now
And not what we’re growing to be
And not what we’re capable of being
And never what we intend to be
And she was
Is, and always will be
Sorrowfully more to me
I’m basking in the misery
Of her effervescent glow
One that I’ll know but never truly know
I tell her I love her
And she tells me to go home
I’d say it’s the final blow
But I know better
I’ll be the faithful knight
And act as if I’m all put together
Because of all I’ve weathered
Because deep down I’m fettered
Holding the key that’s binding me
In hopes I’ll be freed by her
And it’s never that easy
I say how I feel
And cover it with something cheesy
To mask the bold taste
And what I intended it to be
Because I know she’d easily let go of me
Reaching for the next crevice on this cliff
As the rocks move earnestly
And maybe I should leave
And I tell myself I could leave
And I know that I have to leave
But every time she says she needs me
I believe

Wanted:

A permanent partner, a fast friend,
A heartbreaking Harlow, a mystifying muse,
A goth girl, a Southern seductress

Must be:
     Someone who will call me up & call me
     out
     Someone who wakes my senses and keeps
     me in bed
     Someone strong enough to show me her
     faults and weak enough to cave to my
     cravings of
          intimacy in caffeine-driven crescendos
          of stimulating company & conversation
          as well as the spontaneous shenanigans
          of improvised encounters
     Someone to sow the seeds of new love in
     the furrowed field left by Life's scarring
     upon my heart.

with my head in the clouds
i wonder when I’ll hurtle back down
into the godforsaken ground
where most people live
with reality, safe and sound
yet me, i liked to dream impossibly
of how my mother’s sharp edges
would melt into soft clay
of how arms clad with armour
would cradle me, make me calmer
or how someone would look at me
and be desperate to see my vulnerability
as if i was a painting in a museum that
they wanted to look at endlessly