I'm done
no, not yet
I'll be done
later
maybe tomorrow
or would it be soon?
sigh
I will someday
it's hard to let go
just let me cuddle
with these feelings of mine
the feelings of being in love
with you
til then
I won't be okay

I stare blankly at the
bathroom wall
where the tiled portion
meets the faded blue paint
as it soaks in...
I liked it

The years of unrequited love,
the chase for affection,
the tortured artist
twisted up in twisted tortured
feelings

I spent year writing
dark poems,
letting the liquid manifest as a physical representation
of the tears shed
and bleeding heart.
Did I like it?

My existence was
wandering streets alone,
getting lost in melancholy songs,
wondering if love equated pain.

Then I found
what I told my notebook
I'd been searching for all along.
Someone loves me,
someone gives me love,
and I spent so much time searching for it,
enjoying the hunt and
getting gratification out
of my own self-deprecation
that I'm lost even though I'm found.

Do I like it?
Did I like that?
Do I like this?

I can't seem to decipher
affection and how it's supposed to
make me feel
versus how it does.
Did I like looking for it more than having it?

Am I so ****** up that
I love not receiving love more than receiving it?

I don't want to run; I want to stay;
I always used to run
to
     and away.

I have forgotten what
it feels like to be
loved.
It is so odd and
most definitely sad,
as I still know so
substantially what it
feels like to
love.
My existence is so
unrequited,
for even when you
again shared your
body with me,
even though two years
time had passed since
our last dance,
the wall you built remained intact.
I searched every surface
in hopes of finding a crack
in the stone that,
with some effort,
could finally help me to
topple the blockade.
But your love,
or what I have (probably pathetically)
convinced myself
exists on the other side,
it is as well-protected and
well-hidden as ever.
So I soldier on,
fighting my losing battle,
feeling love for you,
the love from which
I am doomed to be destroyed,
shot down, blood staining the
ground
beneath me,
no shield of your love
with which my body,
my heart,
could remain intact.

you always encouraged me to become a poet
yet i told you
that the words i needed
was too hard to find

then one day, you left me
and the words i had needed for so long
came to me
like snow falls on a december day

you said that
love
was for
the weak ones

never have i ever
been this happy
to be            
weak

i saw the future in someone
who saw the past in me

i am sorry
for falling in love with you
but your gorgeous mind
made me love you

i am sorry
for falling in love with you
but your amazing personality
made it hard for me not to

i am sorry
for falling in love with you
but your kind and sweet person
made me fall harder than ever before

i am truly sorry
for the trouble of loving you
because i know
that you love somebody else.