Somehow, words bleed into the night,
and your voice is on the other end of my ear.

I know, my form lacks beauty, and the way I confess lacks grace or dignity that comes with the frail women you like. I know my antics are somewhat crude, and I still am a mystery to myself.

But fulfillment is having your chest stuffed with the sky and a bed of flowers. It is having 2am filled with your laughter, and their laughter. It is forgetting all beauty, all grace, all that binds misconceptions in the world, and leaving only your heart, theirs, and the love that you give.

Funny stories fill the room, hearts quiver with the truth. And the next day that we meet, we play with our friends, you cover my eyes and laugh, and I try to pull your hand away. You tap your forehead against my shoulder, and miss the way my heart beats.

Your smile is beautiful, I think.

And though a small part of me still wants their love, they're still here. We don't say my affections out loud after that night, but they respect me, and I respect them.

And isn't the person I love so wonderful?

Gasping
In your shadow,
To you, I scribble
In this little book.

Of a hornet
Whose glass wings
were shattered
by your skin
Watch him squander
atop your ivory toes,
pleading
you might hear
the clattering
of his gaunt limbs
as they crumple
and snap.

Of a vacant egg
after half its body
was swept up
by the wind
now festering
in the dried remains
of its splattered pearl.
How many dusks
And dawns
did this fledgling
spend snuggled
in your skyward arms
to wind up
a meager stain
on your chin?

Of a wilting boy
calm in clay
shaken in spirit
who wasted
too many years
praying for
your stony eyes
to fall
as his have.
Suffocating, he offers
dying souls
a fool’s paradise
that you,
Sweet Basilica,
will part your leaden lips
and breath each
And every breath
you take.

Silly, I know,
but for him
he imagines
you will.

Won't you?

I let my eyes speak
I smiled and tilted my head
I captured you with my gaze
And invited you to dance

I let my feet stride
I found you when you hide
I walked beside you together
And brought us even closer

I let my hands charm
I protected you from harm
I embraced you when you're lonely
And held your hand in the alley

All this time I shut my mouth
For if I talk, I'll only say three words
Which in turn would erase everything
'Cause I can see you're still not ready

There is a boy at work with laughter that feels like October. Kind eyes hidden behind shy smiles and butterfly wings for eyelashes. He makes early mornings feel like Christmas, I can’t be sad when I’m around him. When he’s beside me I forget everything that has ever hurt me. But there’s a girl with blonde hair and green eyes, a girl that radiates positivity and beauty. We’re almost the same but she’s so much better. I didn’t know it was possible to be a knockoff of yourself before I met her. She holds his heart and it stings to know that I’ll never be the one to see him smile in moonlight or hear him sing in the shower. Autumn boy you make me feel alive again, but your beautiful girl makes you feel immortal and I could never compete.

You make me feel unwanted.
I wonder if maybe it’s my fault::
          Did my silence make you leave?
          Did I bore you with my wrongly
          timed lack of energy?
I question my value.
Am I just not good enough for you?
You send signals I perceived as mixed.
You’re too kind to be a random passerby
Your blueberry eyes lock with mine for too long to be a courteous habit of life.
You don’t really compliment that often do you?
The hardest to dismiss is the week we met.
The proximity for prolonged time,
The warmth from how close our bodies were set.
Maybe I’m just mad of cabin fever,
Too long to distinguish hopefully wishing from an interested soul.

What I mean to say is that I heard the angels weep when I first saw you smile. I imagined that there was an invisible string wrapped around my heart and tied to the corners of your mouth.
        When you smirked, my heart skipped a beat.
Before that, your lips were parted, your mouth was open ever so slightly, and I have never ached so badly to kiss someone.
        I thought about how they would feel under the touch of my
        fingertips.
Your eyes--the color of the soil of the earth.
        I've dreamt of being buried in both.

So it goes--God created everything, and everything he created was good.
        And you are the firmament; you are the most heavenly,
        wondrous thing.

...

1. I had a crush on you for two years but we were never friends. I don't know why I was so heartbroken, it was elementary school. I can laugh about it now but I remember being so hurt from it. I never loved you, but I guess I did for what nine year old me knew love to be at the time. The only reason I got over you was because once we hit middle school I only ever saw you a handful of times and eventually it burned out.

2. We were somewhat friends, but I knew completely that nothing would ever happen between us. I had my moments of being upset but I pretty quickly learned to be okay with everything, but I wish I stayed hung up on you rather than suddenly crashing into 3.

3. You were the first person I ever actually trusted with my heart. You were the first person to ever say you have feelings for me and I had thought I felt the same way back, but I know now that I never really loved you as anything more than a friend. I feel guilty for that, but I was only thirteen and you did an infinite amount of worse things to me. I loved you deeply as a friend but you did nothing but manipulate and abuse me. You lied to me about everything possible. I realized that you never loved me, even as a friend, because you are incapable of that. You are cold. You are sick. You were just feeding off my aching soul and always got a kick out of seeing me on the brink of death. You completely ******* destroyed me and left me wanting nothing but to disappear forever. What we had was not a relationship, and I'm not saying that to make myself feel better. Two months of being abused is not a relationship, it's an experience, one I wish I never had. I managed to get away but the scars still remain and the fear still lingers. The vile words you said to me still vibrate inside my head. It's been three years since we last spoke and I am still scared of everything that you are. I still write about you with the same poisonous anger I had from day one. You are the only person that I truly hate and that I can physically never forgive. Congratulations.

4. I don't know what you were. I think you were just a stepping stone I so desperately was trying to find just to know that I can have feelings for someone after 3 left me crying on the cold bathroom floor gasping for air. I knew you would never have any feelings for me back, you couldn't, we'd only ever be friends, but even that started to fall apart too. I was distraught over our friendship fading into the void for months, you had made me so happy and I loved goofing off with you. But after meeting new people in high school I decided that I should focus on 5 since I'd have a much better chance. I still see you around and you messaged me a month ago and it threw me off. I don't have any feelings for you at all anymore, but it's weird to see you and know how I used to feel and how dramatic I was over losing someone who never really cared.

5. You came into my life when I needed it most. You gave me genuine happiness and made me genuinely excited to wake up in the morning just so I could see you before class. Things haven't always been the best between us, but we made amends and always fought through this hell of a life together, even if that meant arguing with each other from time to time too. We both grew together. You are the first person I've ever truly been in love with, and that's such a big deal for me since I was fully convinced after 3 I was never going to trust and be happy with anyone. I didn't think I could physically love after being so destroyed and abused. I knew you'd be important to me from the moment I saw you, and that sounds so childish. I know you can't love someone without knowing them, but I had a feeling, that hunch of knowing you would be something valuable in my life. I've gone through love and heartbreak with you. Watching you love and have feelings for others has been one of the most painful experiences of my entire life, but I tried my hardest to be supportive and happy for you, just like a friend should. But I'm sorry that I love you. You never asked that of me, you never asked me to love you as anything more than a friend. I tried to prevent it from happening, but that's not how it works. And I tried to force myself to move on, for both of our sakes, but forcing feelings to go away only makes them stronger. I'm sorry that I still love you, even after all this time. I haven't gotten over it, and I'm not sure I ever will. I know you want someone who's fully committed and I swear that's me but it means nothing if you don't feel the same way back. But either way I promise that you are all I think about.

// k.q.h.