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i fell in love with you
every single day
for two years,
always reaching the same conclusion:
i could never give you
what you want.
but one day,
when i fell in love
for the 700-and-something-th time,
i came to a different conclusion:
you could never give me
what i want.

// k.q.h
December 26, 2019
1:26AM
i hate that tiny amount of hope.

// k.q.h.
August 30, 2019
12:37AM
i used to hate you.
and believe me,
i still do.
i still wince at the thought of you.
you make me ill and plagued.
but i am thankful for you.
it took almost two years,
but i am thankful.
it ***** that i had to live
through the hell you put me through.
but i learned.
and i feel.
i felt for two years.
and when i'm alone on the bathroom floor
and numb to the world,
and i think i'm dead,
i just think of you.
it hurts.
it burns.
it stings.
and it cuts.
i want to rip off my skin and *****.
i want to put my hand into your mutated chest
and rip out your disgusting, cold, black heart
and step on it.
i want to hurt you.
i want to hurt me.
but ****,
at least i feel something.

// k.q.h.
June 2, 2018
her
i swear i love you more than she does.

// k.q.h.
April 1, 2018. 12:33 PM
i’m not sure how i'll ever be able to look at you
and not think about how i’ve felt for so long.
all the sleepless nights and gasps for air.
all the tear stained pillows and sweatshirts.
all the downtrodden heads and clenched fists.
all the scars and bruises, inside and out.
all the tears that have traveled the world
and fell into the grout of too many tiles.
so many bathroom floors, hallways, and chairs
are forever soaked in my sadness.
i don’t want to be sad anymore.

i see you and i just want to talk to you,
i’m not sure as just friends or something more.
“i’m supposed to be your friend.”
i always failed at that.
“you never asked for me to feel this way.”
moving on is easier said than done.
“i think you hate me.”
i gave you every reason to.
“but this is my chance to talk.”
maybe i shouldn’t.
“i want to make things better.”
i only ever made things worse.
“**** it.”

we exchange a few, simple words
and then we retreat to silence,
just like we always do.
but i’m just happy we get to talk at all.
“i miss you.”
but the silence makes me ponder my feelings.
“what am i doing to myself?”
this isn’t good for me.
“i’m supposed to stay away.”
but i missed you like hell.
“i shouldn’t be here.”
i promised i would keep my distance.
“i’m supposed to find a balance.”
this is the most unsteady we’ve ever been.
“i just want to talk again.”
i need to let you go.
“you’re better off without me.”
yet i still try for selfish amends.
“all i ever do is hurt you.”
it's something that will never change.
“can we please just try again?”
we’ve fallen apart so many times.
“god, what does this say about me?”
i’m still stuck.
“why am i still ******* stuck?”
it’s been a quiet three months.
“that’s not enough time.”
but why can’t it be?
“what do i even see in you?”

there it is again,
the pointless anger.
“i hate you at times.”
but it's never more than i love you.
“and is that supposed to mean something?”
it does.
“don’t make excuses to stay stuck.”
is that what i’ve been doing?
“please stop thinking about it.”
i try but i never can.
“what’s the point?”
there is none.
“we’ll just fall apart again.”
i’ll just get hurt again.
“i can’t handle that.”
it hurts too much.
“hold it together.”
i’m trying.
“look away.”
okay.
“stop this.”
i’m sorry.
“let go.”
it hurts.
“move on, please.”
i’m trying but it’s slow.
“that’s how it’s gotta be.”
i can’t change the pace of this.
“and that’s okay.”
one day i’ll be over you.
“how do you feel about it all today?”
i’m not sure.
“still conflicted?”
yes.
“one day you’ll know.”
one day i’ll be okay.
“hold out for then.”

- i think i’m moving forward

// k.q.h.
December 8, 2019
sitting alone with you on those front steps
waiting to get our rides home.
but i didn’t want to go home.
i wanted to stay there with you.
we sat in lingering silence,
too scared to speak to each other.
we never know what to say.
but we didn’t have to talk.
i just wanted to be next to you.
that’s enough for me.

- her front porch

// k.q.h.
June 17, 2019
...

1. I had a crush on you for two years but we were never friends. I don't know why I was so heartbroken, it was elementary school. I can laugh about it now but I remember being so hurt from it. I never loved you, but I guess I did for what nine year old me knew love to be at the time. The only reason I got over you was because once we hit middle school I only ever saw you a handful of times and eventually it burned out.

2. We were somewhat friends, but I knew completely that nothing would ever happen between us. I had my moments of being upset but I pretty quickly learned to be okay with everything, but I wish I stayed hung up on you rather than suddenly crashing into 3.

3. You were the first person I ever actually trusted with my heart. You were the first person to ever say you have feelings for me and I had thought I felt the same way back, but I know now that I never really loved you as anything more than a friend. I feel guilty for that, but I was only thirteen and you did an infinite amount of worse things to me. I loved you deeply as a friend but you did nothing but manipulate and abuse me. You lied to me about everything possible. I realized that you never loved me, even as a friend, because you are incapable of that. You are cold. You are sick. You were just feeding off my aching soul and always got a kick out of seeing me on the brink of death. You completely ******* destroyed me and left me wanting nothing but to disappear forever. What we had was not a relationship, and I'm not saying that to make myself feel better. Two months of being abused is not a relationship, it's an experience, one I wish I never had. I managed to get away but the scars still remain and the fear still lingers. The vile words you said to me still vibrate inside my head. It's been three years since we last spoke and I am still scared of everything that you are. I still write about you with the same poisonous anger I had from day one. You are the only person that I truly hate and that I can physically never forgive. Congratulations.

4. I don't know what you were. I think you were just a stepping stone I so desperately was trying to find just to know that I can have feelings for someone after 3 left me crying on the cold bathroom floor gasping for air. I knew you would never have any feelings for me back, you couldn't, we'd only ever be friends, but even that started to fall apart too. I was distraught over our friendship fading into the void for months, you had made me so happy and I loved goofing off with you. But after meeting new people in high school I decided that I should focus on 5 since I'd have a much better chance. I still see you around and you messaged me a month ago and it threw me off. I don't have any feelings for you at all anymore, but it's weird to see you and know how I used to feel and how dramatic I was over losing someone who never really cared.

5. You came into my life when I needed it most. You gave me genuine happiness and made me genuinely excited to wake up in the morning just so I could see you before class. Things haven't always been the best between us, but we made amends and always fought through this hell of a life together, even if that meant arguing with each other from time to time too. We both grew together. You are the first person I've ever truly been in love with, and that's such a big deal for me since I was fully convinced after 3 I was never going to trust and be happy with anyone. I didn't think I could physically love after being so destroyed and abused. I knew you'd be important to me from the moment I saw you, and that sounds so childish. I know you can't love someone without knowing them, but I had a feeling, that hunch of knowing you would be something valuable in my life. I've gone through love and heartbreak with you. Watching you love and have feelings for others has been one of the most painful experiences of my entire life, but I tried my hardest to be supportive and happy for you, just like a friend should. But I'm sorry that I love you. You never asked that of me, you never asked me to love you as anything more than a friend. I tried to prevent it from happening, but that's not how it works. And I tried to force myself to move on, for both of our sakes, but forcing feelings to go away only makes them stronger. I'm sorry that I still love you, even after all this time. I haven't gotten over it, and I'm not sure I ever will. I know you want someone who's fully committed and I swear that's me but it means nothing if you don't feel the same way back. But either way I promise that you are all I think about.

// k.q.h.
August 28, 2019
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