You cannot frame the oceans waves.
Forever changing,
vibrant blue -- ever-changing into deeper shades of understanding.
A never changing struggle between the sand and the water.
I am the ocean -- blue.

No matter how many times I'm called beautiful
or pretty, of gorgeous, or any other comment,
I will always cry when I hear the name
You try to call me adoringly...

It is dead.
I bury it here
In the words.
I write its tombstone.

Oh, {deadname},

You're my beautiful daughter.
I know you're only lying.
You'll never, ever be a boy
No matter how long you keep trying.

Give up on transitioning.
Your mind has been poisoned.
The media has consumed you-
All the lies eating their way in.

Finally, you are my precious baby girl.
You're very smart, and you know that.
Don't think you're a boy- you're not.
You should put on your smiling mask

Until you're not sick anymore,

-Your loving mother

Mirrors like to lie.
Reflecting a 'girl'.
An image of an old self,
a mannequin.

Pain wracks my fragile bones.
Everything hurts me,
So please, please don't
Come close or touch me.

I can't look at my body
Because it isn't what I want.
I know it's selfish, you see,
But it's a paper without a font.

My skin is a tapestry of
Beauty and pretty and all
In the perfect girl you'd love,
But guys: absolutely appalled.

Nothing matched on me-
I'm the missing left sock,
My bones' rattle is all I'll be
Until I take the final walk.

Despite the number of YouTube videos in the world,
there are none titled, "If I had been a boy we would have dated,
but now I've transitioned sooooo???"
and it gives me anxiety.

I sit inside a body in blood that isnt my own. There are voices calling out a name, a name attached to this vessel. It's not mine.
I am conscious of my state, this sentience pains me.
I know what's out there. I know my potential, what I could be. This barrier of skin and blood prevents me. It hurts.
I'll sit in this shell of a body to be perceived by those who happen to pass by. Wading in blood that isnt my own, with skin like marble begging to be carved into, and I won't mind.
This body isnt my body, my body is inside.

the words come easy
when they are about love
they float around me,
and my mouth speaks
before i can regret letting out
all that i hold inside of me
the light and the beauty
spilling out
im shy.

we lay down in your bed,
but this time
my teeth pull the words back
my throat is on fire
so much of it
burning
why aren't they floating
i want to
tell you
show you
the love choking me up
im scared.

until my lips
stop trembling
until my hands
are brave enough to
hold us in their warmth
will you wait for me
I'll come back
with every
word and every
phrase
and every
tiny bit of longing
i swallowed back
for us,
i won't let all of it
disappear inside me,
not this time,
i love you.

maybe i was just hiding behind pride and shiny things,
maybe the shame i hold inside myself was too big to be left unseen,
bright colors and silky clothes, dozens of rings and necklaces, and the swish swish of oversized chains on oversized pants on oversized everything,

all meant to hide the ugly swirls of my hands,
the highest notes of my voice,
the round parts of a body i cant stand to see from your eyes.

or then again
it could just be called surviving.