Quill

Quill Jul 2021

The Lion

I want to die so badly
It's an ache in my chest that wont seem to pass
It's the pinprick of nerves asleep after too long at rest
It's a lion staring me down, baring it's hungry teeth through bulletproof glass
I'll look at my reflection and think "you are supposed to be dead by now"
My reflection flares it's nostrils and curls it's lips over it's teeth
I am the lion
I am the glass
I am myself

Before anyone asks, assuming anyone will see this, I'm safe, don't worry yourself over that

#death #dysphoria #suicidalideation #thoughts

Quill Apr 2021

The Gargoyle

I sit inside a body in blood that isnt my own. There are voices calling out a name, a name attached to this vessel. It's not mine.
I am conscious of my state, this sentience pains me.
I know what's out there. I know my potential, what I could be. This barrier of skin and blood prevents me. It hurts.
I'll sit in this shell of a body to be perceived by those who happen to pass by. Wading in blood that isnt my own, with skin like marble begging to be carved into, and I won't mind.
This body isnt my body, my body is inside.

I wrote this inspired by a nightmare I had once, where I was trapped in the shell of a plastic gargoyle, sitting in blood that I knew wasn't mine. Looking back on it, my brain was probably trying to make sense of my feelings, but the nightmare has stuck with me.

#trans #dreams #nightmare #dysphoria #dysmorphia #ftm

Quill Oct 2020

Hiraeth

Oh how silly for a heart to yearn for a home that doesnt exist

For a chest to ache with the sickness that one only gets when they've traveled too far

For a soul to feel as though it were born in the wrong universe

For hands to tingle with idle magic at their fingertips

Until it overflows, onto a page, into a song, over pillows and sheets as tears cascade and stain and drown

Oh how tragic for Hiraeth to take hold

Hiraeth: a Welsh word for homesickness or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person

#homesickness #magic #hiraeth #souls #vent

Quill Jun 2020

Habits

I still lay with my back pressed against the wall
A habit I learned from the two times you slept in my bed
And a habit I need to unlearn

#relationships #sleep #habits #exes

Quill Apr 2020

floating

There are moments where I am painfully aware of my existence.

Of the things around me.

I start to feel like I'm floating.

I'm suddenly very aware of the tiny screen I'm holding, how my fingers move across the keys, how small it is and how tiny I am.

It's dizzying.

sometimes i feel as though im floating in my own body, everything drowns out and I'm stuck in the limbo of unreality
its a nice place, for a while

#floating #projection #anxiety #panic #dissociation

Quill Apr 2020

4-25-20

just because you're 'over it'
doesn't mean that it hurt any less

Quill Apr 2020

i want to scream.

I want to scream.

I want to pull my hair
And slam my head into the wall
And bite my lip off
And scream

But I'll cry
I'll cry so silently you wont be able to hear
Not unless you pay attention
Not unless you read between the lines
Not unless you feel the pain in every word I say or type

I want to scream
So I'll cry instead

i wrote this when i was in a dark place mentally.. id like to think im better now <3

#vent #scream #crying #depression #anger