I’m sick of being tired
Constantly on the go
Because if I don’t leave enough time for myself, than I don’t have to acknowledge that i’m not doing ok.
I’ll keep overbooking my schedule until I’m so far run into the ground
That all that’s left to do is place the stone.

Im sick of being tired
Every action dictated by a thousand various imagined world exploding outcomes.
None of which come true.
Because if I’ve thought of every single thing that CAN happen- I can’t be surprised, disappointed, or let down, when it does occur.
The last thread of control in my grasp
But my grip is growing weak.

I’m tired of being sick
knowing that something isn’t right and constantly trying to figure it out.
Like trying to find Waldo on the page.
Everything becomes a blur of colors, frustration grows, until, right in front of you all along, there he is, the mystery solved.
Until you turn the page.

And I’m tired of being sick
and continuously adding names to the list of people I feel I disappoint.
True or not
It’s rapidly growing.

I want to feel ok
But I don’t
I want my friends to think I’m ok
But I’m not
I want to break free from this circle
But,
Really,
I’m sick of being tired
And I’m tired of being sick

You know when you are driving home at night and you zone out for what feel like a millisecond
but all of a sudden you’re one turn away from home and your first thought is, “wait, how am i here already?”

Somehow safely zoned out, yet still being able to control a vehicle.

But your mind -- in limbo -- between real & subconscious.

A minute or so of serenity.

Clarity, if just for a moment.

A frozen path to happiness.

What’s really interesting though, are the driveway thoughts.

“I don’t want to go through that door.”

Why?

Because going inside means that today is over and if today is over then tomorrow is coming and if tomorrow is coming then i have to do this again and I don’t want to do this again.

Going through all of the motions like I know what I’m doing.

I don’t.

I’ve been playing a part for years so no one will suspect how close i am getting to giving up.

Lungs, ya know, they get tired.

Makes you think -- if we didn’t breathe subconsciously, would i do it myself?

One time each time,
Thinking when is my time.
Each breath a crime,
It tastes like lime.
Can I stop this time?
Stop breathing by bedtime.

Let me write
This is how I live

This is how I fight
This is how I stay alive

This is how I survive the nights

The world is terrifying..

I've no other way to be alright..

yet the days stopped turning to night
ever stretching
everpresent
I just wanted the sky to fade

Open those tired eyes
Break free that deep and bellowing sound
Pull these wet tears and form creative drink,
Of poisonous thorns beneath blooming flowers
Feel every vibration from your toes to your fingertips

Let go
Breathe in
Forget the day
Forget the century

Sway each hip in your mind’s rhythms
Now is the time to feel that inner voice
Now, is the time to dance
Allow yourself to be caressed by a constantly changing direction through space and time
Where fear and shame don’t belong

Once the morning finds you,
Curled up upon the stained carpet,
Go ahead.
Embrace the day’s challenges
And when the going gets tough
Just open those tired eyes