he swore he could provide me with oceans
when all I could give back was a mere
dew drop.
And so I let him go.

5840 days isn’t a long time to be on earth
when you really think about it.
& if all goes well I should have at least another 20440 until I take my last breath.

so why rush so fast into what’s nearly guaranteed temporary?
call me a pessimist, but love is just a feeling.
and all feelings are temporary when you’re 16 years old.

so when such things are so short-lived,
why waste time on exclusivity & commitment?
especially on someone with such different visions on what love is supposed to be.

no one is obligated to provide reciprocation.
despite the other party’s ambitions or
the strength of how they feel,
some things just aren’t meant to be—
some people just weren’t made to love the same.
so be patient.
savor your youth.
& choose wisely your first love.

but when you’re ready to love?
you love hard.
you love recklessly.
you love exactly as you would want to be loved.
because regardless of its ability (or inability) to last,
love is never easy to forget.
and love should not be taken lightly.

im addicted to you
to your laugh and your smiles
your "i havent seen you around in a while" 's
and i've made most of it up in my mind anyway
i romanticize the little things
like your bedroom and the way your t shirt clings
i can see our future so clearly its scary
its not happily ever after by any means
but its enough for now
its enough for us in our teens

That book, it was a drop of my youth's ocean,
Without filter I recorded each emotion.
I may have left my older verses now,
But through my pen its flow is still in motion.

To the little girl who grew up too fast:
Who had her childhood taken away from her too young.
Who never knew what innocence was.
Who desperately searched for love in all the wrong places.
Who was afraid to show her heart, but desperately wanted it to be seen.
Who craved validation from men, most who didn’t care to know her name.
Who drank until the world went black.
Who hurt people, because she was hurting her self.
So full of angst.

I can still see her now- clearly.
She lives inside me.
I can find her standing at her favorite beach.
Listening to the angry waves crash.
It’s night and she’s always crying, but silently.
Salt water sprays her face as salty tears run down it.
Staring at the ocean, gazing at the moon.
Desperate for a glimpse of hope.
Here she’s able to feel all the things she has kept inside—
Safely.

To the little girl who grew up too fast:
Who knew pain so young.
Who only wanted the love of her mother,
But looked for it in all the wrong places.
Who made choices to hurt herself, because she saw no value in herself.
Just know, I love you.
Even when you’re difficult to love.
I wouldn’t be me without you.

I am staring to feel that Salem sadness,
That I felt last year in the dorm,
I guess you can call it mental illness madness,
But it sure doesn't feel like the norm,
Lucy dacus says that she could **** him if I let her,
And Dan Barrett says no one will ever want me,
I don't understand the allure,
Of becoming who everyone wants me to be.
I got a tattoo at the end of last year,
A serial code for a replicant I love,
Sometimes I feel the same fear,
Illustrated in his face while holding a dove.
Bloodhail playing as I waste time,
In my new dorm,
Doing nothing while healing from surgery was so sublime,
But now I have to face the oncoming storm,
Of work and responsibilities that I hid from for so long,
Faces sweaty arms and legs what a glorious set of stairs this song makes,
I gained too much weight and no longer feel strong,
Guess I should have gone back to work and stopped indulging in things like cakes,
I'm trying not to eat that much anymore,
It isn't worth it when I feel too round and fat,
Just enough to sustain me and restore,
The energy that I spend doing this and that.
I no longer have hyperfixations on things I love,
it makes me feel so horribly empty,
I don't know how to fill my brain up with stories and men from above,
When it no longer brings me joy and won't tempt me,
Is this a part of growing up?,
Losing all the things you loved as a teenager?,
I draw a tarot card and I'll get the cups,
I can only sing in c major.
I guess I'm just starting to grow out of it all,
As scary as that sounds,
Will future me mourn for the current me,
As I mourn for the teenager that had created stories since he was born?

all the **** from your mouth that you thought was inspiring
slowly broke me down until my hope was expiring
never opened my mouth to come back with inquiries
just kept my head down and wrote my thoughts in a diary
and you read it, pathetic,
invading my privacy
called me out for feigning sadness and my ‘bogus’ anxiety
cause “im a better dad than mine so shut up and be quiet kid”
“you’re lucky im the head of this dysfunctional dynasty”
well congratulations dad, you’ve earned notoriety
for forcing my respect in the form of compliancy
and disbelieving science and the facts of psychiatry
so i ran away from home to join the freaks of society
where else could i escape from your emotional piracy?

Everyone always expects a butterfly,
When they find that fearless cocoon;
Hanging over certain death,
And inviting a birth from a new womb.
They expect a sunrise to arise,
To dry out their wings and take flight.
Glittering generalities caught in icarus's wings.
People expect the best from your worst,
And you'll expect that that's best.
Yet this expectation leaves us cursed.
Like the monarchs, who dance under the sun;
When moths are birthed, they dance under a dead one.

I reject the notion of expected beauty,
I reject this reality that-
I need to dance in the sun,
Shine bright beneath the trees,
And fly high to melt my wings,
I despise this idea
Because like the moths,
I will dance among the stars
Between the moons of Jupiter,
And sing with selene in the night.

I will burst from my cocoon
Not in your beauty,
But in mine

I did not know that I was too young to think about life was much better and easier than we could hold on something tight when we did not have ability to try more and more, but still did it little by little.

I did not know that I was easy to fall in the same place in my own mind and needed more loves  than breaths and needed more life than lives, and needed more rooms than this universe.

I did not know that I was afraid of being brave in nothing.

I did not know that I was killed by the time, I was only a young boy with no weapon to fight and I was forced to join this battle.

I did not know that I was alone with myself, talked too much, and said, "The strongest will fall and die".

I did not know that I was only of the last part in every story that no body wants to.

I did not know that I was only too fall to feel, too calm to realize it was too easy to be a real.