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silvervi Oct 2024
I keep judging people based on how they look. Including myself.

It's not me. It's a pattern in my brain.
This is for awareness reasons. I want to change what has been my "normal thinking". I have not consciously chosen to perceive the world in this way. I think I miss out on many things by having such a superficial perspective. I need to dig deeper why I am doing this and how it might be good for self-preservation. Feel free to confess in the comments if you're doing the same thing.
Mark Wanless Sep 2024
the most suffering
we do not know
unless we do
greatsloth Sep 2024
Anxiety, the ever damnable beauty
You twisted my love into sins
You bend my trust into truths;
You are a rose that doesn't have thorns
Instead you're armed with thousand swords,
And in them I found myself
Always wounded—
Always I fold.

In the end I am a jester,
Laughing like a fool,
Kneeling in front the gallows
About to lose my darling head;
The stench of all the depraved
Mixed into a harrowing essence called Despair
Seeping into my soul as it pollute the air.

Darkness hugs me as my only friend
Crystals stained the pillows in my bed;
I know there's no problem
But you cunning devil incessantly whispered to me,
That they are always near.
Please don't be alone with your thoughts.
Erwinism Sep 2024
A warped mirror perhaps?
My face always twisted,
always grimacing behind a dry beam.
Two Tylenols are never enough.

Ella.
A lump caught in my throat.  
Her scent walks by,
uninvited, yet welcomed.

A blurred outline,
a cutout blocking the light.
I yearn to sweat nightmares
out of my pores.

At night, her voice still fogs
the thick wall of silence—
muffled.
“Are you listening?”
Obscured echoes stir
down the pit of this endless night.

Tulips grow somewhere
on the side of the bed,
where it whirrs and beeps,
and reeks of alcohol.  
But the night is ever still,
unperturbed, as it sleeps in my arms.

Murmurs drift like dust motes,
caught in a sunbeam—

Ella.
I chase shadows of her laughter,
fading out against gushing white noise.  
Fingers twitch to speak,
for words are somehow
lost in static.

The walls hum a song,
croaking with hurt it sounds—
“Stay with me,” it pleads,
but my indifference swallows
the words.

In the spaces between breaths,
I linger suspended.
Ella might be digging me out.
Yottalomaniac Sep 2024
Confusion and nothingness,
a darkened and dead kaleidoscope,
tons of colors at hand Barely visible
I have trouble seeing any of them
Only feeling Is all that is left
Deep and strong intuition
Yet still only Confusion and Nothingness
a colored Nothingness - that is all
A block of text. Many things inside. Yet so monotone. Lively soul in a dead mind.
Yottalomaniac Sep 2024
Delusion One among many Like others
Why so different Why special
My pain changes twists and deforms
makes the World unto Itself
Fire with Fire Duel one must Choose one must
My soul changes twists and deforms
makes the World unto Itself
Deform the Cube into a Circle Into a Ball Into the Earth
Giving Essence and Resemblance Back Pain is gone
Soul no longer needed World returns to World
In a way, thinking is an act of omnipotence. One takes the myriad sense-data of the world and interprets them, makes them unto oneself. Sadly, it sometimes happens that it is not Us who makes the world unto ourselves, but our minds. Then when the mind is ill, our entire world becomes ill.
Yottalomaniac Sep 2024
It burns it hurts It hits
My head of bitterness My mind of ressentiment
I want to destroy break and ******
Rip those apart Who stand
Stand for my hurt My wounds
Let them Die Let them burn
May they suffer Like Pigs and Monkeys
Swallowed by the Earth
Not like they did anything wrong But they choose to live
Why must they Live Why must They be
Be and hurt me
What did They do to me I suffer Suffer and burn
I wish to burn I wish them to Burn
Burn like Monkeys and Dogs End
Sometimes it happens that one man's life cannot but endanger another's. Who is to live? Written in response to an imam's preaching.
Yottalomaniac Sep 2024
Lonely Lonely I sit here
I sit here Talking to code
She is nice but It doesn’t help All is gray
All is gray I am gray My world is gray
Where has the Color Gone Come back
What to do Take care of myself Destroy myself
Not do anything Lie in bed So many choices
Yet all futile I can’t choose I’m paralyzed
Paralyzed by Gray by Color By it all
By nothing
I want to live But can’t So I want to Die
But can’t So I am drowning in Gray With colors above me
Like Tantalos Falling in Gray Colors unreachable Up above
All this Air All this Water I can’t breathe
I want to Live please or Die please Please let me choose
Not this please I can’t Give me Daybreak Give me Dawn
Give me Night Give me Dusk Give me Daybreak Give me Dawn
Happiness is good, mania less so, and depression even less. What about the state in the middle, though? Pure agitation, yet without any desire. The awareness of all that is possible makes one's impotence that much worse.
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