Screaming into the ether,
That’s all I have left.
I cannot be ungrateful,
For the opportunity that is dangling in front of me,
As it has been
For what feels like an eternity.
Time has stopped.
I cannot move forward.
I cannot take new paths.
I cannot build my future.
I am trapped in this bubble of waiting
And I can feel myself aging
As the world around me spins on.
I am hurting.
My darkness rearing its head
For another attempt
On my battle scarred soul.
I am not strong enough,
Not as I stand.
I have spent so much energy
On merely surviving,
And the ongoing torment
Of all the unknowns are weighing,
Far heavier, than I could have anticipated.
I am pained,
But the guilt I feel
By that little voice in my head,
That likes to tell me how good I have it
How fortunate I am,
How selfish and ridiculous I am being.
So I want to hide away
Pretend I’m fine,
I have no right to feel pained,
To feel broken down,
To cry.
I have no right to be hurting,
To feel like I have nowhere to go,
No right to be afraid,
That I’m moments away from becoming
Completely undone.
My illnesses taunt me,
And terrorise me,
So I’m lost and afraid.
I don’t have the words
To express the depth of this
Which scares me the most
As they are my only defence.
My walls are crumbling
The enemy has breached the gate
I’m trying to run
I fear its too late.
I am lost.
