CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND
So I cut myself with a knife
just to see if I can still feel anything in this pathetic life
But I feel nothing at all
as I watch my crimson blood fall
I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in
nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing
I frantically seek a virginal place I can carve, cut away my hate
self loathing, disgust, as I look at myself, what a ******* state
Waiting to faint, as my blood seeps and escapes
but as if mocking me, I have to wait
relief comes at a price, a deadly cost
and reminds me of all that i've lost
tired and sleepy, waiting for death to collect me
I've planned for no one to save me, finally be free
one last slice, just to ensure
deep across artery, my blood pumps no more

utter futility of self righteous anger
wraps it's dark cloud around me.
my brain becomes foggy, and my
perception becomes distorted.

love feels like hate, and pain feels like freedom.
my fear leads to anger, which leads to a split
second choice where my fists punch a concrete
wall.

my hand explodes with pain that spreads to my arms
and then to my whole body.  the pain numbs my inner
pain and discomfort.  I want to be a spiritual person, but
sometimes I'm just a frail human being afraid to feel hurt,
so I numb myself with pain.  Utter insanity to try to escape
suffering by self-harm, but that's what happens sometimes.

I am left facing the wall cradling my hand.  I am left with a feeling of utter futility.  My own powerlessness over my
self destructive behavior leaves me humbeled and willing to ask for help.  God, help me let go. Help me not harm myself and others.  Help me feel emotional discomfort without resorting to
punching walls.  Help me be free.

you inhale
and lock the door
you can’t do it anymore
a single thought
that’s all it takes
then you’ve made your last mistake
you close your iceberg blue eyes
and count from one to ten
looks like you’ll never speak again
you open your eyes
lower the razor to your wrist
it’s your two dollar psychologist
there’s no turning back now
the blood wells on the vertical cut
honey, this is deliberate
salty tears roll down your red cheeks
and on the tiled bathroom floor
a roaring waterfall of red is gushing forth
you collapse
the pinpricks of black start coming
all of a sudden, your vision goes fuzzy
you exhale
your last thought comes when
you realize you’ll never breathe again

I am getting bad again
I can feel it
I can feel the urges rushing through my veins -

begging

for me to slice into them
there's a promise of adrenaline
it will rush through my body like a jet
I want to hurt hurt hurt I want to
cut and scratch and rip and dig
until all I see is
red
and I want to drown in it until all I see is
black

From the perspective of
A girl whose demons escaped
Through red ribbons sewn on wrists,
And whose thoughts wished to follow
The drain that contained them;*

Stop glorifying your shame,
Your ****** poems do nothing
To stop the pain and tears
Are not beautiful. No love
Will ever suffice, except
Yours.

*From the perspective of
A survivor whose smile reflects
The love of her name, and never
Ceases to see from what place
She came.

Hello, hello,
you sweet little child.
Hello, hello,
you innocent soul.

Can you see me cry?
Can you see the demons
reflected in my eyes?
Can you see the scars
inscribed on my skin?
Can you see through my mask,
so feeble, so terribly thin?
Can you see it peeling off,
can you see me rotting?

Hello, hello,
you sweet little child.
Hello, hello,
you innocent soul.

Are you afraid?
Are you scared of the
big bad scarred monster
on your doorstep?

My scars relinquishing in
sunlight,
the devils inside me
caught in a ****** war,
the pain that's decaying
my organs, my soul,
my body crumbling
like pastries to dust,
my tormented existence,
my struggle through life.
Gnawed at by self-hatred,
praised by self-harm,
thriving in blades,
awash with blood...

Can you see this?
Can you hear them?

Can you hear the voices
roaring in my head,
screaming, yelling,
howling
sweet little
"disgusting"s
"failure"s
"****"s
"good-for-nothing"s
"nobo­dy-needs-you"s
"ugly"s
"fat"s
"stupid"s
"pathetic"s
"you're better off dead"
?

Can you hear
the cry of my veins?
Can you hear my blood
begging for release?
Can you hear
my gut-wrenching
cries for help?
Can you hear my screams?

Can you see the figures
scrutinising me
deep inside my head?
Can you see the pain
bleeding down my
arms
and things?
Can you see me
ripping myself slowly
thread by ******* thread?

Hello, hello,
you sweet little child.
Hello, hello,
you innocent soul.

Can you recognise me?
Can you see yourself?

Don't stay, my sweet little girl,
don't stay,
run away,
my sweet little girl,
greetings from your
future self
on the path to decay.

Believe me, I am breaking
under the pressure of life
and the static routine of
a schedule.
Believe me, if this time,
because in the ebullition
of my intoxication;
a mind wringing in the brink
of dislocation will surrender
to the edge of a ledge.
Believe me, I beg you,
before my feet carry on
wayward and the neurons
press a red button on my
self's destruction.
Just look at me, for once!
Notice the way red snakes have
scarred my shaking arms,
the way caustic tears scorch my pale
cheeks and wails turn inward;
a shrieking sorrow.
Please, understand me and save
my mind on a ledge.

i crush all of my thoughts-
seizing those fleeting-
and put them right back into me.

my arm looks like a mood ring.

green for envy
and blue for broken.
black and purple,
both pathetic.
yellow is yellow.

when my skin fades back
to it's dowdy, cloudy white,
i'll know
i'm numb
again.

no color, no feeling.

I feel empty.
Hollow.
Sometimes it feels like an improvement
better than the pain
it's deceiving in that way.
Because what is the point of it all
if I feel nothing?

Pain is better.
Pain is something.
Pain means I'm still living.
I want to feel.
Anything.

So I dig
deeper and deeper
but I find no secrets hidden within my flesh.
Empty.

But for a second
before the pain fades away
I can pretend.