Ring... ring...

Pick up the phone,
Knees chattering,
Where’s my breath,
Oh god,
Ten minutes till my shift,
Kyles dead,
I just hugged him
12 hours prior,
I said goodnight,
I love you,
See you tomorrow,

But for him,
Tomorrow never came,
Why did I answer the phone,
How can I face the space
That you no longer occupy,
Why couldn’t you resist
That sweet high,
I miss you,

Another friend gone to early,
Every hit you took a gamble,
Your bed became your grave,
You sister just got married last
Week,
You were the best man,
This was suppose to be
The happiest time of her life,
Instead of planning her honey moon,
She’s planning your wake,

You never wore anything
Other than black,
Always dressed like
You were going to a funeral,
Now we’re at yours,
It’s a closed casket,
You sister is sobbing,
Your best friend is broken,
Your girlfriend lost her voice,
I’m hoping your body isn’t really
In that box,

You loved jack Daniels,
So that’s what we drank
Until the sun rose
For the first time
Without you,
It’s was August 25th,
I never did go back
For that last shift,
How could I without you?

It’s December now and it’ll
Be your mother’s first Christmas
Without her son,
Your sister has been taking
Care of your girlfriend,
They cling together
So that they don’t succumb
To the numb,
It’ll be the first time in three
Years I spend New Years
Without you,
Your best friend moved away,
It was too painful to stay,
Cause every place in town
Feels empty without you,

We don’t go to grand central anymore,
Cause it was your favorite bar,
And the memories are still too fresh,
God ****** Kyle,
Why didn’t you tell us you had an addiction,
God ******,
Why didn’t we notice
Until August 25th.

Cry myself to sleep
You aren't here anymore
Loneliness sinks
And strikes me right to the core

Our love was forbidden
And the world kept us apart
But I’ll forever keep your secrets
On every page of my heart

Hate that you came home too late
And yes I waited too long
So now I stare at  old text
And replay your voice like a song

counting down
10 [sighing thoughts, aching fingernails]
9 [ugh where do i go now]
8 [falling apart...]
7 [my eyes are slowly blinking now]
6 [at the sight of your frail broken body]
5 [the quiet beeping next to you]
4 [my own heart is picking up]
3 [oh god oh god oh god]
2 [the beeping is rising the beeping is rising]
1 [i'm crying now]
**silence

ethan
it was beautiful outside on the day you were laid to rest
the sun was shinning and the birds were chirping
but inside was nothing but rain in my chest

they said "don't hate the addict hate the drug"
"he's in a better place now, he's  free"
and i couldn't help but look down at my shaking hands and hate the addict- me

it's easy to hate a pill but how do i learn to hate a drug when my drug of choice was always you
escaped your reality through a quick high and and a line
but i only escaped mine, when i was by your side

you're gone you're gone you're gone
and i'm going through withdrawals
i need you
i need my high

maybe someday they will say she's finally free too - when i die

And now begins
The guideless era
As my guide has departed Terra,
Gone, but surely not forgotten,
He's left...
His form is pale and rotten.
Slack jaw
Reveals the row of teeth
     A row above
          A row beneath
I perceive slight movement in his chest,
But a touch confirms
He's now at rest
His nostrils drawn
His ankles crossed
His hand is limp
And now the cost of sinful man
...is paid in full for this fond friend,
There's no remaining time to spend
At leisure in his kingly presence,
But he's left behind his essence,
And from him we all have gained
A starting wisdom, we were trained
To laugh and cry and live and pray,
To seek truth,
                  to love,
                            and point the way.

Now to Him who is abundantly able,
Receive this servant at your table
Dress him in your softest gowns,
Kingly colors, shining crowns,
With a smile upon his face,
Doused with your amazing grace!

i didn't mourn your death
i didn't cry, didn't scream
didn't **** the world or any god for taking you away

and then i remember
english class, we all had to memorize Atticus's speech
you know, the one in the courtroom where he defended Tom Robinson

and then i remember
that you sang about leaving us before any of us knew you were gone
ziggy stardust, i miss you

and then i remember
i'm 7, maybe 8 years old
you taught me what imagination meant, what i could do, what alternate universes i could create

and then i remember
you loved so much you died with a secret
as i grew, i learned how to understand you

and then i remember
the day purple rain meant a nation mourning in unity

and then i remember
your song was in shrek and i'm sorry but that association from my childhood never left me

and then i remember
the amount of pain you endured

and then i remember
i was 11, my brother was singing along to hotel california, introduced me to your band and pointed you out to me
"that's glenn frey he's the guitarist"

and then i remember
why this year has been such a dark one
so much of the light has vanished with you

and then i remember

i never gave myself a chance to mourn your death

-z.z